Posts filed under ‘News’

Boo is BACK, bitches!!!!!


BOO LIVESEnd the panic!
Bring the YAY!!
SMILE EARTH DWELLERS!!!

For Friday the 13th is NOT a bad-luck day and life as we know it is NOT, in fact, coming to an end!!

Because it’s not true.

Because he Is ALIVE!!!!!

Mah (newest) BOO is ALIVE, y’all!!!!

ALIVE!!!!!!

As in not dead!!!!!!!!

Boo is BACK!THERE JUST AREN’T ENOUGH EXCLAMATION POINTS TO CAPTURE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS DEVELOPMENT!!!!!!!!!

Awful, horrible, heinous people were spreading  awful, horrible, heinous rumors over the interwebs yesterday that Boo — the cutest, cuddliest, most captivating canine ever to set paw on the planet — was just a desperate little piece of D-E-A-D, sparking worldwide SADZ!

‘… Boo is dead? This is traumatizing,’ one devotee to the little doggie wrote.
::: *sniff :::
‘You will live forever on the Internet,’ wrote another.
::: WAAHHH! :::

Frownie faces everywhere!
Until today!

Today, when God parted the clouds, opened the heavens and mercifully rained down showers of shiny, sweet, golden kisses of AHHHHHH as the truth was revealed.

BOO LIVES!!!

And life is good again.
On Friday, the 13th.
The day before the Greeneyedgirl’s birthday.

AHHHHHHHH

🙂

SOURCE

April 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm 1 comment

Best Actress – EVER!


Take a hike Katharine Hepburn!
Elizabeth Taylor and Bette Davis? BORING!!
And forget you Jane Fonda and Jodie Foster!!!

Step aside ladies – and take note all of you little gold statue awarders – because there exists an actress of such singular accomplishment that no other can possibly even be considered for the ultimate acting accolade this Sunday.

OH YES THERE IS!

And she recently delivered a performance so riveting, so compelling, so crazy wicked amazing that it puts to SHAME every other winner of every other Oscar in the 83-year history of the presentation of the prize!

TO SHAME, I SAY!!!

Meet Patricia Hastie. ——->
Patricia recently played Elizabeth King in movie ‘The Descendants’.
Elizabeth King is married to Matt King.
Matt King is played by George Clooney.

Now, I’m not going to go all ‘spoiler’ on you or anything in case you, like Elizabeth King, have been in a coma or somesuch and are walkin’ around all oblivious to shit — but let’s nutshell this bitch and suffice it to say it turns out Lizzy’s just a big ol’ ho-bag who’s been having secret sexy times with someone who’s initials are NOT HER HUSBAND MATT and poor Matt was none the wiser until Lizzy bumped her big ol’ ho-bag head in a jet-ski race and basically cut the legs out from under her entire family’s not-so-normal life.

But playing a comatose ho-bag is not what makes Patricia worthy of serious Best Actress EVER snaps.

Playing a comatose ho-bag who lies motionless, expressionless … COMATOSE … NOT EFFING RECIPROCATING … while George Clooney plants his pucker all up on her comastose ho-bag lips is what make her the BEST ACTRESS EVER!

It does not get more METHOD, people!

She had to dig REALLY deep – give the hand, the side-eye and a very Sahar-worthy lip curl to her very own emotional core to pull that off!

She had to travel to that place where basic human instinct takes over and naturally COMMANDS you to open wide and make sweet, sweet love to George’s tonsils with your tongue for no less than 90 consecutive seconds!

Patricia Hastie scaled the heights of acting theory, came back and delivered nothing short of acting MAGIC!!

She is a MASTER THESPIAN!!!

She is the BEST ACTRESS EVER!!!!

Oh hell, who am I kidding.

That scene alone makes that her the Best Actress OF ALL TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOW UNIVERSE AND ALL GALAXIES EVER CREATED …

EVER!!!!

February 24, 2012 at 8:24 pm 2 comments

NOOooooooooooo!


I may have to say farewell to love for my (other) boo … my comedic counsel … my satirical soul-mate … ‘cuz he has brought the WRONG, y’all!!

My hopefullyhecanredeemhimselfbecasueIdon’twanttosaygoodbyetomy Ihopenotsoontobeformerlove Katt Williams was supposed to bring the hee hee during a performance in Phoenix last weekend but instead he just brought the ‘Oh HAYULL NAW!’

Because he went there.
Because Tracey Morgan’d himself and that, my friends, is a taint you almost can’t terminate.

During his show, the Pimp Chronicler singled out a man seated near the stage and asked him if he was Mexican.
::: ruh roh :::

“It appears to me y’all like it over here a lot,” Williams then said.
::: here we go :::

Cue the tirade in 3 … 2 …

“If y’all had California, and you loved it, you shouldn’t have gave that motherfucker up! You should have fought for California, goddamn it! Since you loved it.”

The audience member then stood up and said “This is Mexico, motherfucker!” to which Williams replied by turning in his direction, stomping his foot and responding “You think I’m dissing Mexico and I’m defending America. Do you know where Mexico is? No, this ain’t Mexico, it used to be Mexico, motherfucker, and now it’s Phoenix, goddammit. USA! USA!”

Now, kiddies, this is the part where I don’t have to tell you that this heated little exchange headed straight for the land of NOT GOOD with no detours, pit stops or bathroom breaks … because it did.

Because NOT GOOD is disparaging another person’s culture and heritage and should never be confused with defending your own.
Because it’s not.

After singing a bit of the national anthem — which Williams apparently either doesn’t realize or doesn’t care was written by slave-owner Francis Scott Key — he exploded with “Fuck, we were slaves, bitch! Y’all just work like that at the landscapers, motherfucker! It’s not even racial, you’re a bitch!”

Except that, well, I love you Katt, but let’s put it out there, ‘kay hon?
It was racial.
And it was undeserved.
Which makes it, like, you know — wrong ‘n stuff.

It wasn’t ‘edgy comedy’.
It was ignorance and undeserved mean-spiritedness toward someone else on the sole basis of ethnicity.
Which — stay with me here — makes it racial.
Which also like, you know — makes it wrong ‘n stuff.

Outrage over the incident has roundly risen everywhere, including the national Latino advocacy group Presente.org, which petitioned for — and seems to have perhaps, maybe, on some level received — an apology.

A very dry white toast, probably publicist-penned apology, that is.

“My remarks were not meant to be offensive. I want to apologize if my comedy act was taken out of context. I sincerely appreciate my fans within the Mexican community and would never intentionally go out of my way to offend them.”

Not exactly dripping with sincerity there.
Just sayin’.

Katt, baby, if history is any guide toward the future – we’ll see if you do sincerely appreciate your fans — from all communities.
Or if you just appreciate their money.

I know which one I hope it is.

September 1, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Nature’s a muthah


Not that you didn’t know that obvious obviousity alfuckingready, but apparently some folks didn’t … and had to get their study on to get a gat damn clue.

So here’s the nugget:
If you start bringin’ the crazy all of a sudden – don’t panic.
It’s ok.

Because it’s, like, 100% Mother Nature’s fault.
::: subsitute teachers, guidance counselors, babysitters and parents everywhere breathe a sigh of relief :::

A report being released today titled ‘A Climate of Suffering: The Real Cost of Living with Inaction on Climate Change’ says the past 15 years of planet cracking has been a ”preview of life under unrestrained global warming”.

A PREVIEW?!?
FUUUUUCK – this shit’s gonna get worse?
::: rhetorical question, of course it is – you thought 2010 was an anomaly?! :::

The report is the culmination of someone’s idea of serious researchological determinerifficality, prepared real special-like for the Climate Institute, and it puts the loss of social cohesion in the wake of severe weather events related to climate change squarely in the center of the blame circle of things that could possibly, likely be linked to increased rates of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress and substance abuse.

”What we have seriously underestimated is the effects on social cohesion,” said Professor Ian Hickie, the executive director of the Brain and Mind Research Institute. “That is very hard to rebuild and they are critical to the mental health of an individual.”

YA THINK?!

Dude, being stranded in your own flooded house with no running water (YUCK!) during a three-day power outage (BLECH!) with only a few gallons of wine to drink (PTOO .. oh wait, that was just good planning) wondering how the hell you’re even going to get out of your own neighborhood (SCARY!) if you run out (SCARIER!!!) clued The Cookie in to that whole anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress and substance abuse ACK!!! after Hurricane Jeanne upended my shit in 2004!

Save yourself the next few thousand and spend some time in SoFla during a truly heinous hurricane and you can studerifically conclusionize for FREE all day long!

SOURCE

August 30, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Dumbass of the day


But it’s not who you think.

I mean, you’d think it’d be Brianna here for gettin’ her panties in a BIG ol’ bunch over some messages on her cellphone, channeling her inner Tyson, breakin’ out a wooden nut cracker and schooling her boyfriend on the art of DON’T DO THAT!

I mean, I could see how you’d think that.
Because it’s a pretty dumbass thing to do.
And a pretty dumbass reason to do it.

But Brianna Del Rio isn’t today’s dumbass.
Her boyfriend is.

And you know why.

Because any normal, sane, sober person over the age of FETUS can take one look at that hot slut and know Bri’s a bitch with which you do not fuck.

Drink. Her. IN!

If confronted by a woman with eyebrows so razor sharp even drag queens won’t go there, eyes so dead they’d burn a hole right through your soul and lips so perfectly pursed she doesn’t even NEED to give you the hand – would you for one millisecond of a nanosecond even consider giving her anything close to resembling the likeness of a hard time about … fuck, ANYTHING?!?

No.
Of course you wouldn’t.

But he, apparently, did.
And you know what?
I bet the lovebirds are back in the news as soon as she makes bail …

… and he tries to make up …

… the dumbass

SOURCE

August 15, 2011 at 6:42 pm 2 comments

Would I lie to you?


OF COURSE!

Wait.
Uhh … what I meant to say was ‘of course – not!

Yup.
That’s it.

But I could put on my Fibber McGee pants and walk you through a veritable WORLD of whoppers!
And it’d be ok.

Because lying is like, a thousand kinds of good!

Is so!

Because there was studification of that shit at an actual institute-type place in Canadia that, like, PROVES it ‘n stuff!

The Institute of Child Study at Toronto University surveyed 1,200 little labbers aged two to 17.
And you know what they found?
::: yeah, I know I jumped that shark already, just go with me here :::

1. Tellin’ tales is a developmental benchmark kind of dealio denoting intellectual development.
2. We get better at bringin’ the bullshit as we get older.

You pickin’ up what they’re puttin’ down out there?!?
Lying is, like, a sign of SMARTNESS!!

YAY!

But you gotta ease gently into the pool of prevarication, apparently.

Only a fifth of 2-year-olds were able to lie, but by age 4, 90% of the preshuss snowflakes were capable of pullin’ the wool.

And the ability to fudge the facts purportedly peaks at age 12, which means the minors in your midst are flat-out mastering that mess as they mature.

— CUE MRS. DONOVAN’S FREAKOUT IN 3 … 2 … —
Britney isn’t going to any after-school study group, is she?

SOURCE

August 9, 2011 at 2:08 pm 3 comments

The science is IN!


And if it’s true — I’m gonna live to be a BILLION – YAY!!!

According to research that was published just this very week in the hottest of hot reads — the Journal of the American Geriatric Society — haulin’ your hot cross buns into super-duper old age is determined by your genes, not your lifestyle.

::: DNA: 1 / Tofu: 0 :::

Professor Nir Barzilai is director of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine’s Institute of Ageing Research, which is a really long title comprised of a bunch of letters that — when put together in an orderly fashion — sound out to a bunch of words that mean he’s smarter than you so shut your hole and listen up!

“In previous studies of our centenarians, we’ve identified gene variants that exert particular physiology effects, such as causing significantly elevated levels of HDL or ‘good’ cholesterol,” he said.

He explained that new research provides evidence that these and other “longevity genes” provide a buffer to the people who have them against the harmful effects of an unhealthy lifestyle.

Almost 500 people between 95 and 109 were studied and compared to more than 3,000 others born during the same period. The studiers found that the study-ees who were, like, hella old ‘n stuff ate just as shitty, drank (wheeeeeePINOT!) and smoked just as much, exercised just as little and were just as likely to be overweight as their long-gone friends.

SUCKIT HEALTH FREAKS!!!

The first woman Barzilai researchified was some 109-year-old trick who told him she had smoked 40 cigarettes a day for 90 years.
::: DAYUM!!! :::

While most people would have died of lung cancer or heart disease, he said, she wheezed sputtered coughed soldiered on.

So the puffy stuff is clear, fine. Whatever.

It’s the hooch I need hard data on.

And so, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be heading out now to continue investigative tactics of an exploratory nature to validate the long-term health benefits of alcohol consumption.

And I’m prepared to commit to my research full-time, if need be.

SOURCE

August 5, 2011 at 5:47 pm 1 comment

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