Posts filed under ‘law enforcement’

Well SOMEONE didn’t get the memo!!

I mean, really, this is basic ‘Ho Code 101’ shit, people.

The bottom-line, the guiding principle, THE golden fucking RULE when you’re bumpin’ fuglies with prominent, married public figures (or, ok, well, anyone who’s initials are NOT YOUR SPOUSE) is to take a chill on workin’ your grill.

It’s that simple.

No need for discussion!

It is immorality’s universally accepted imperative, for chrissakes!!

Yet, every few fornications there comes along some slut who just can’t keep it shut.

From Dynasty cast member wannabe Gennifer Flowers to dimestore hooker doppelganger Jaimee Grubbs to the demented and diapered Lisa Nowak — there’s always some skank who slips up and spoils the secret sexy times by spilling something she shouldn’t have.

Thanks a lot, Paula Broadwell!

Because of you tryin’ to go and blackmail a bitch over email and everything, poor David Petraeus now must foray back into the field of contraband coochie to find some stupid new streetwalker to screw.


But the real tragedy here is far worse than whatever future befalls dear David … or you … .

The real tragedy here is bigger, Paula … because it affects me.

Yes, Paula … the catastrophic consequences of your exasperatingly irritating email tirades mean that I now must go buy an ax, find a frickin’ forest, cut down a tree, chop that shit up, build a frickin’ fire, heat up a poker and GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT
in an attempt to rid myself of the mental image of David’s sad old doggy dick doin’ The Cabbage Patch in yet another whore’s hoo-ha!

I live in fucking FLORIDA, Paula!
Do you have any idea how far I have to drive before I wind up in the woods?!?

Fucking FAR, Paula!!



It didn’t have to end like this, Paula.

Or maybe it did.

Because there’s always one hot ho mess out there like you, isn’t there Paula?

Oh yeah there is.

Take it to the bank, gents! 😉

November 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm 4 comments

Some things never change

That was 2004.

And he’s right.
That (hate) train is never late.

Which is a million gozillion times beyond the saddest of sad things ever to spur sadness in the entire and collective history of the known universe.
At least it is for me.

Because, here I was, all peppy, proud and playfully politically puffy thinking folks were out there reading important shit, learning important shit and basically gettin’ their social and political shit all kinds of together.

Californians passed Proposition 30, which is a combined four-year, quarter-cent general sales tax increase and an income tax increase for people who make at least $250,000 a year. The money is projected to raise an average of $6 billion annually for the state’s general fund and education to prevent nearly $6 billion in “trigger cuts,” mostly to education, this year.

::: Yay Education! :::

Ballot initiatives allowing same-sex marriage passed in Washington state, Maryland and Maine.

::: Yay Equal Rights!! :::

Ballot measures legalizing pot in Colorado and Washington both passed, and initiatives legalizing marijuana for medical purposes in Massachusetts and Arkansas passed.

::: Yay Cheeto, err, Progressive Revenue Streams!!! :::

But then, alas, it happened.

The veritable tidal wave of racist rants I was fervently hoping against all possible hope would not be thought, typed or otherwise idiotically ideated flat out flooded the Twittersphere — with exactly who you’d expect to see barfing the most bigotry — Alabama and Mississippi.

::: Some things never change … :::

Racist Tweet

::: belch :::

Racist Tweet

::: blech :::

And I’m all ‘Goddamn you Alabama! Why can’t you make the news for something positive just ONCE?!’
ACK to infinity!!!

You are home to my two greatest joys and loves — my family and my beloved, sacred, down-on-their-luck-at-the-moment-but-ready-to-
RISE Auburn Tigers!!!
My happy places!!!

Why must you balance such wondrous glory and goodness with the kind of gut-level asshattery that should have died out MORE than decades ago?!?!
Quadruple ACK to infinity!!!!!

… oh, but I digress … this isn’t about me … it’s about an informed electorate … only not so much …

Floating Sheep produced a frighteningly telling geocoded map showing a spike in small-minded Tweets after election day.

They used a location quotient inspired measure (LQ) indicating each state’s share of election hate speech tweet relative to its total number of tweets. A score of 1.0 indicates that a state has relatively the same number of hate speech tweets as its total number of tweets. Scores above 1.0 indicate that hate speech is more prevalent than all tweets, suggesting that the state’s “Twitterspace” contains more racists post-election tweets than the norm.

Mississippi and Alabama have the highest LQ measures with scores of 7.4 and 8.1, respectively.

Some things people never change.

Ed. Note: I know it’s easy to be stupid and roll around in stupidity all day just being stupid and all … but now and then, just occasionally, every once in a while, open a fucking book and learn something rather than just sitting around spewing the stupid that just makes you look, well, STUPID!
This is why it’s called The White House, kittens:
It is a reference to the color of the house.
The porous sandstone walls of the building were coated with a mixture of lime, rice glue, casein and lead, which give it the white color and led to the familiar name.
It was originally called the “President’s Palace”, but was changed to “Executive Mansion” in 1810 to avoid connections with royalty.
People have always (always) historically referred to the building as the white house because of its appearance.
President Theodore Roosevelt officially adopted the name “The White House” on Oct. 12, 1901.

P.S. Pumpkins: Four More Years. Yep. Deal with it, bitches! 🙂

November 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Dumbass of the day

But it’s not who you think.

I mean, you’d think it’d be Brianna here for gettin’ her panties in a BIG ol’ bunch over some messages on her cellphone, channeling her inner Tyson, breakin’ out a wooden nut cracker and schooling her boyfriend on the art of DON’T DO THAT!

I mean, I could see how you’d think that.
Because it’s a pretty dumbass thing to do.
And a pretty dumbass reason to do it.

But Brianna Del Rio isn’t today’s dumbass.
Her boyfriend is.

And you know why.

Because any normal, sane, sober person over the age of FETUS can take one look at that hot slut and know Bri’s a bitch with which you do not fuck.

Drink. Her. IN!

If confronted by a woman with eyebrows so razor sharp even drag queens won’t go there, eyes so dead they’d burn a hole right through your soul and lips so perfectly pursed she doesn’t even NEED to give you the hand – would you for one millisecond of a nanosecond even consider giving her anything close to resembling the likeness of a hard time about … fuck, ANYTHING?!?

Of course you wouldn’t.

But he, apparently, did.
And you know what?
I bet the lovebirds are back in the news as soon as she makes bail …

… and he tries to make up …

… the dumbass


August 15, 2011 at 6:42 pm 2 comments

PSA, Bitches!

I know it’s summer and all and the kids are out of school and nagging you to the point of insanity on a daily basis right about now to go to some sunny spot to get their vakay on and stuff and a lot of the time that means places in Florida, which is fine and all as long as you STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUMMERFIELD, that is.

No shit.

Because I don’t know if it’s the water or the food or the air or the parenting or the lack thereof for any of the aforementioned, but something is definitely grimly, grizzly, grotesquely rotten in Summerfield, Florida … which is only about a half hour from Ocala and an hour or so from Orlando, where people go and gather and do summer-type fun and/or family things but may want to reconsider if for no other reason than the sheer proximity to some crazy ass pubescent crackheads in Summerfield, who seem to think it’s just a big ol’ slice of OK! to torture a trick for, uhh, well, NOTHING it seems!


Just scant months ago, a grand jury sat for about a nanosecond of a micronanosecond before indicting five hopefully future penal institute punching bags in the only-in-the-movies type murder of a 15-year-old in Summerfield, who investigators say was beaten and shot multiple times, hit with a blunt object so his kneecaps would shatter, then tossed into a burning fire pit before his remains were disposed of in five-gallon paint cans in a secluded area.

Uh huh.

And now comes news that a couple of other Internet Generation idiots made the dimwitted decision to ‘torture, kill and dismember’ another kid.

Doesn’t anyone just go to the fucking beach anymore?!?

According to the Orlando Sentinel, ‘The boys were playing an Xbox computer game and discussed a proposal to gag the boy, hit him over the head and stuff him into a “Kevlar bag” so he would sink when they threw him into waters near Miami.’

Uh huh.

This is the poodge that passes for summertime fun for some perturbed little punks in Summerfield these days.

The second boy offered to bring a “torture kit” that he said he kept in the trunk of his car.

Read that one more time.

The kid is riding around with all of the ingredients assembled to inflict an outrageous amount of anguish on another soul.

And he thinks it’s ok.

Uh huh.

Now me? Oh sure. The Cookie’s got some junk in her trunk.

A pair of jumper cables, a blanket, a light-up suction-cup AU sign and pair of platform shoes.

Not exacely ridin’ dirty … or murdery like some people I could name but won’t because the popo haven’t released the little fucker’s name yet, but a sheriff’s search of the butchery little bastard’s trunk revealed an ax, surgical cutting tools, a torch lighter, rope and scissors.

Uh huh.

The teens were each arrested on a charge of conspiracy to commit murder.

So, seriously and frealz out there whoever you are and wherever you may be accessing LIAC from … STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUMMERFIELD ‘cuz the kids there?

They ain’t RIGHT!

July 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm 1 comment

Did I miss a memo?

I mean, ok, so I have been out of it for a bit, but really people — this is just a smouldering pile of fuckupery!

Has donating your own plasma suddenly become passé?
Is it no longer profitable to get paid to work the pole?
Did embezzlement somehow become obsolete?

I don’t know how or when it happened but I do know this:
This is a dark day!
THIS is a sure sign of the Apocolypse!!
THIS is when it becomes just a big ol’ bag of crystal clear that this New Great Depression shall see no end!!!
::: this is where you act all concerned and shit :::

Gone are the days of innovative income ideas.
In their place now exists a ramshackle rundown of dastardly deeds I didn’t think could get any worse – ooohhhh but it has!

Because it’s come to this:
Weave Theives are stealing America follicle by faux follicle!


A bunch of bandits recently broke in to an Atlanta beauty store and stone cold STOLE $30,000 worth of extensions!


Lucien Poko, manager at the Beauty Master store near Greenbriar Parkway told Atlanta police that four burglars were driving a black Chevrolet Suburban when they smashed the two front doors of his shop with a rock and went directly to the display of Remi hair extensions.

Those low-down dirty cheaters of the counterfeit coif were probably casing the joint for months. How else can the beeline to those specific braids be explained?!

And this isn’t the first time!
Last month, mop muggers rammed a car through the front door of a Clayton County beauty supply store and made off with $10,000 in fake follicles — a paltry payload by comparison but still distressing to those sans strand and cause for concern for the rest of us as well!

I mean, can you just imagine the HELL there will be to pay if Beyoncé can’t lace up her locks or if Sam Donaldson’s next piece gets purloined?!

And don’t even get me started on Jim Eastabrook!!!

C’mon America! Don’t we have better things to do? Better ways of amassing even the smallest semblance of wealth?!

We can do better!
The time is now to rise, rise I say and RALLY against this hair nightmare before the inanity goes national!!
::: this is where you go ‘bitch was gone for all this time and this is the best she can do on return?! :P:::


June 20, 2011 at 6:52 pm

On the next episode of MTV’s ‘Cribs’ … NOT!

Now, I can freely admit that if I had read this shit on Fkdupdad’s Messed Up Parenting Tips blog, I’d have probably laughed until I peed myself or something because he’d put his usual HAHAHATHAT’SSOMEFUCKEDUPSHITHAHAHA type of spin on it and it would seem like something every parent should get on the ball and start doing, like, YESTERDAY.

Except I didn’t read it there.
And it’s not something every parent should start doing ANY day.

But it IS a 100% pure example of actual, real-world messed up parenting of Olympic Gold Medal winning proportions.

Seems Washington couple Captain Duh and the Wonder Wench over there thought it would just be a super slice of OK! to cage two 5- and 7-year-old boys.

“Because they are autistic, it’s the only way to contain them,” said Alayna Higdon, who is not the biological mother of either caged child but does live in the apartment with their father, her son from another relationship and their 11-month old baby.

Nature versus Nurture NUTJOB!!

“What am I supposed to do, let them run around the house and get into everything? What kind of [expletive] parenting is that?'” Father Failure of the Year candidate John Eckhart said.

Uhh, the fucked up kind?!?

Child Protective Services received a complaint and responding patrol officers found two of four children in the apartment locked in a bedroom tricked out with a sadly singular and definitely dirty mattress but missing those extra little luxuries like blankets, clothes and toys — and, oh yeah, one other teensy weensy thing — the door had been removed and replaced with a cage-like door, restricting access to the rest of the apartment.

One of the officers investigating wrote, “as I got close to the cage to take photographs, the children came close to me and were reaching their arms through to try and grab on to me. They were both making moaning noises and they tapped their fingers together through the holes between the metal bars. When I got close to them, I could smell a strong odor of urine coming from their diapers.”

Sounds like someone forgot just ALL about the kids in the kennel …. but you know, caring for anyone at any age with any type of special need can be just an exceptionally difficult and trying challenge — depending on the challenge — and so, you know,  I’d like to give the bad mom and dad a bit of a break on this outrageous set of infractions … except, according to the police reports, they seem to have come up short on one crucial component that might have compelled The Cookie, who is herself Aunt to an outstanding (and yes, autistic) nephew, to cut the corrupt couple a break:

Well, now it’s ‘Foster’ – that’s where.


April 15, 2011 at 3:14 pm 8 comments

The Fuck?!

I missed it?

The second most sparkeliciously spectacular event in all of recorded history came and went this past weekend and I missed it?!

An event so perfectly plotted and preeminently purposed and which could have been, for all intents and purposes, FUCKING NAMED FOR ME — and I missed it?!?!


More than 1,500 people who underfuckingSTAND got together Sunday for the first (hopefully annual ;)) “SlutWalk”.


I so suck right now!
But they don’t!

Sluts from all over my new favorite city – TORONTO – wore their finest floozified frocks to got their protest on over a badge-holding idiot of über proportions who found the voice of his inner fucktard when he told a York University law class on Jan. 24 that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

Umm, looks like someone was absent the day Kelly McGillis and Jodie Foster put that shit to rest in ‘The Accused’.

But at least his departmental superiors weren’t. They reprimanded his ass and sent him packing pending ‘further training’.
::: let’s hope there’s a cattle-prod involved in that coursework :::

But enough about him.

During the two-hour, peaceful march, most participants dressed casually, others flamboyantly, with many proudly proclaiming they are “sluts.”
::: shockingly – no one was assaulted! Whatcha make o’ THAT?! :::

Protest co-founder Sonya Barnett delivered TRUTH when she told the crowd that victims are “never at fault” and that “Slut shaming needs to be addressed.”

Hell to the yeah, bitc … err, slut!

Just do me a solid and slip me the 411 on our club meeting a little earlier next year, will ya?
I already know what I’m wearing!!!!!


April 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm 1 comment

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