Posts filed under ‘journalism’

So that happened …


With the Newtown Massacre just a super-sized slice of  STILL TOO FRESH :(, it’s no small wonder that my snark just isn’t as up-to-snuff as I like that shit to be.

So I’m not even gonna go there right now.

But I’ll leave you with this …

… and tease you with this snippet of a soon-to-be-revealed MAJOR AWARD — Major Awardthe likes of which is eternally unparalleled with any accolade ever accorded to any living organism ever to have existed throughout the entirety of all of the ages known the man!!!

Yup, it’s that big.

Advertisements

December 31, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Don’t be a bitch. Vote! Then bitch ;)


October 22, 2012 at 7:35 pm 1 comment

An Open Letter to Ann Romney


Stop it.
Stop it right now.

Stop using your illnesses as a campaign issue if you’re never once going to talk about the need to further awareness or the need to raise money for research or for anything other than furthering your own selfish agenda — all the while denying you are doing anything of the sort.

It’s disgusting.
So, stop it.

Because what you’re using it to snag is the White House. And the White House is the residence of the most prominent public servant in the United States. But public service is most assuredly not what you are advocating with the Ann Romney Pity Party Road Show.

The ME ME ME interview-train you are steering into seemingly any and every station with a broadcast signal or rag with publication privileges has steered very clear of any meaningful discussion of what real illness really does to real people.

But then it kind of has to, doesn’t it, Ann.

Because you wouldn’t know about any of that.

Because your situation is not representative of what real illness really does to real people.

Trust me, I know.
Because I am a real person really affected by real illness and I’m tired of your act.

I am Multiple Sclerosis – each and every day since my diagnosis on May 15, 2009.

I am also married with a mortgage, a full-time (and then some) corporate manager, and I am in the game.
And I — like the mostly 400,000 other Americans living, dealing and coping with the real realities of Multiple Sclerosis — do it all every day without spinning my sad tale of woe to manipulate situations for my own personal gains.

Because that’s disgusting.
So, stop it.

“I want people to believe in their hearts that we know what it is like to struggle,” you said this past Sunday on NBC’s ‘Meet The Press’. ” … our struggles have not been financial, but they’ve been with health and with difficulties in different things in life.”

Ann?
If you can lament MS as your ‘cruel teacher’ yet have absolutely no comprehension of financial hardship that often goes hand-in-hand with long-term and/or incurable illness, then I once more must advise you to stop it. Stop it right now.

No one begrudges you — or your husband — your success.
That is not what this is about.

The dream, the promise and the hopeful realization of financial success is part of the very foundation of our country.
Congrats on making it.

What this is about is that you put yourself front-and-center and go on and on (and on and on) about your struggles with MS and how you “don’t know how much is it going to chew me up and spit me out?” … and you, like the rest of us wonder “How sick am I going to get? … Am I going to be in a wheelchair?” … and you, like the rest of us, know “It’s a very, very frightening place to be.” … yet you never once ever (ever!) talk about why all of that is why we need to bring the issue to the forefront, to make health care a true and meaningful part of a national discussion, to raise awareness, to raise money for research, to find a cure (because we could) — for it and all of the many other diseases out there for which there is no cure, little money, even less discussion and scant hope … and so on and so forth.

What this is about is that you, Ann, are in the perfect position to do just that.
But you never talk about the bigger picture.
You never speak of or to the greater good.
Ever.

Shame on you!


It’s just the never ending Ann Romney Pity Party Road Show.
A true story about Ann Romney.
Starring Ann Romney.
Talking only about Ann Romney.

So, do not attempt to class yourself with me or other folks like me when it comes to Multiple Sclerosis.
Ever.

Because ‘The Hug’, the skin flips, eye jumbles, pulls, seizures, spasticity, word fishing, fog, falling, paralyzing fatigue, constant pain, more than occasional Krueger Claw and all of the other ruthless physical and emotional realities of daily life with MS are but a part of the conversation that speaks to that bigger picture you don’t talk about.

That bigger picture that, for the rest of us includes things like:
The worry over what to do about work when you can’t walk or think.
::: You don’t work, so this is not something that weighs heavily on your mind. Why talk about it, right? That’s not your MS. :::

The fear your colleagues will find out and feel you’re suddenly ‘less than’ capable.
::: Your colleagues on the campaign eagerly have you play the victim card, so this is not fundamentally significant to you. Why talk about it, right? That’s not your MS. :::

The financial stranglehold imposed by uncovered insurance costs.
::: We all know that ‘financial struggles’ are not intrinsic to your way of life. Why talk about it, right? That’s not your MS. :::

And so much more I don’t need to get into here because why talk about it, right, Ann? That’s not your MS.

But it is mine.

My MS means nearly $4,000 every month for just 4 Avonex injections (that’s just a one-month supply, Ann).

My MS means as much as $5,000 twice a year for brain or cervical spine MRIs to monitor my progression.

My MS means feeling helpless and very, very (very) scared when people I know and care about die from MS.

People like Dan Aronie …

People like my high school classmate Clay …

Oh but that’s just my MS, Ann.

Not yours.

And I know you don’t concern yourself with those things not Ann Romney.
::: Choo Choo!! And the Ann Romney Pity Party Road Show MUST go on! :::

Ann, I don’t doubt that you do you understand a small smidge of the physical plight the rest of us MS patients endure, but you cannot even begin to understand what it is like to live with (and in spite of) the rest.

So do not try to ‘relate’ to me, girlfriend. ‘kay?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a working professional living with (and paying for) MS … and I approved this message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

::: and I don’t really care what you think about it, Ann :::

September 18, 2012 at 6:23 pm 8 comments

Reprinted without permission …


… but doing it anyway because there is SERIOUS TRUTH here people, and every living organism in the entirety of all known galaxies regardless of elliptical or spiral status can should MUST read this, digest it and become one with it.

For the truth shall set you free …

You’re welcome 🙂

Cue the awesomeness in 3 … 2 …

ONE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonster”

Chris Kluwe Explains Gay Marriage To The Politician Who Is Offended By An NFL Player Supporting It

Background in a nutshell:
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to “inhibit such expressions from your employee.” This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe’s response to Burns.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees,” more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, Chris Kluwe is a heroyou also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.

September 10, 2012 at 9:09 pm 1 comment

NOOooooooooooo!


I may have to say farewell to love for my (other) boo … my comedic counsel … my satirical soul-mate … ‘cuz he has brought the WRONG, y’all!!

My hopefullyhecanredeemhimselfbecasueIdon’twanttosaygoodbyetomy Ihopenotsoontobeformerlove Katt Williams was supposed to bring the hee hee during a performance in Phoenix last weekend but instead he just brought the ‘Oh HAYULL NAW!’

Because he went there.
Because Tracey Morgan’d himself and that, my friends, is a taint you almost can’t terminate.

During his show, the Pimp Chronicler singled out a man seated near the stage and asked him if he was Mexican.
::: ruh roh :::

“It appears to me y’all like it over here a lot,” Williams then said.
::: here we go :::

Cue the tirade in 3 … 2 …

“If y’all had California, and you loved it, you shouldn’t have gave that motherfucker up! You should have fought for California, goddamn it! Since you loved it.”

The audience member then stood up and said “This is Mexico, motherfucker!” to which Williams replied by turning in his direction, stomping his foot and responding “You think I’m dissing Mexico and I’m defending America. Do you know where Mexico is? No, this ain’t Mexico, it used to be Mexico, motherfucker, and now it’s Phoenix, goddammit. USA! USA!”

Now, kiddies, this is the part where I don’t have to tell you that this heated little exchange headed straight for the land of NOT GOOD with no detours, pit stops or bathroom breaks … because it did.

Because NOT GOOD is disparaging another person’s culture and heritage and should never be confused with defending your own.
Because it’s not.

After singing a bit of the national anthem — which Williams apparently either doesn’t realize or doesn’t care was written by slave-owner Francis Scott Key — he exploded with “Fuck, we were slaves, bitch! Y’all just work like that at the landscapers, motherfucker! It’s not even racial, you’re a bitch!”

Except that, well, I love you Katt, but let’s put it out there, ‘kay hon?
It was racial.
And it was undeserved.
Which makes it, like, you know — wrong ‘n stuff.

It wasn’t ‘edgy comedy’.
It was ignorance and undeserved mean-spiritedness toward someone else on the sole basis of ethnicity.
Which — stay with me here — makes it racial.
Which also like, you know — makes it wrong ‘n stuff.

Outrage over the incident has roundly risen everywhere, including the national Latino advocacy group Presente.org, which petitioned for — and seems to have perhaps, maybe, on some level received — an apology.

A very dry white toast, probably publicist-penned apology, that is.

“My remarks were not meant to be offensive. I want to apologize if my comedy act was taken out of context. I sincerely appreciate my fans within the Mexican community and would never intentionally go out of my way to offend them.”

Not exactly dripping with sincerity there.
Just sayin’.

Katt, baby, if history is any guide toward the future – we’ll see if you do sincerely appreciate your fans — from all communities.
Or if you just appreciate their money.

I know which one I hope it is.

September 1, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Nature’s a muthah


Not that you didn’t know that obvious obviousity alfuckingready, but apparently some folks didn’t … and had to get their study on to get a gat damn clue.

So here’s the nugget:
If you start bringin’ the crazy all of a sudden – don’t panic.
It’s ok.

Because it’s, like, 100% Mother Nature’s fault.
::: subsitute teachers, guidance counselors, babysitters and parents everywhere breathe a sigh of relief :::

A report being released today titled ‘A Climate of Suffering: The Real Cost of Living with Inaction on Climate Change’ says the past 15 years of planet cracking has been a ”preview of life under unrestrained global warming”.

A PREVIEW?!?
FUUUUUCK – this shit’s gonna get worse?
::: rhetorical question, of course it is – you thought 2010 was an anomaly?! :::

The report is the culmination of someone’s idea of serious researchological determinerifficality, prepared real special-like for the Climate Institute, and it puts the loss of social cohesion in the wake of severe weather events related to climate change squarely in the center of the blame circle of things that could possibly, likely be linked to increased rates of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress and substance abuse.

”What we have seriously underestimated is the effects on social cohesion,” said Professor Ian Hickie, the executive director of the Brain and Mind Research Institute. “That is very hard to rebuild and they are critical to the mental health of an individual.”

YA THINK?!

Dude, being stranded in your own flooded house with no running water (YUCK!) during a three-day power outage (BLECH!) with only a few gallons of wine to drink (PTOO .. oh wait, that was just good planning) wondering how the hell you’re even going to get out of your own neighborhood (SCARY!) if you run out (SCARIER!!!) clued The Cookie in to that whole anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress and substance abuse ACK!!! after Hurricane Jeanne upended my shit in 2004!

Save yourself the next few thousand and spend some time in SoFla during a truly heinous hurricane and you can studerifically conclusionize for FREE all day long!

SOURCE

August 30, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Dumbass of the day


But it’s not who you think.

I mean, you’d think it’d be Brianna here for gettin’ her panties in a BIG ol’ bunch over some messages on her cellphone, channeling her inner Tyson, breakin’ out a wooden nut cracker and schooling her boyfriend on the art of DON’T DO THAT!

I mean, I could see how you’d think that.
Because it’s a pretty dumbass thing to do.
And a pretty dumbass reason to do it.

But Brianna Del Rio isn’t today’s dumbass.
Her boyfriend is.

And you know why.

Because any normal, sane, sober person over the age of FETUS can take one look at that hot slut and know Bri’s a bitch with which you do not fuck.

Drink. Her. IN!

If confronted by a woman with eyebrows so razor sharp even drag queens won’t go there, eyes so dead they’d burn a hole right through your soul and lips so perfectly pursed she doesn’t even NEED to give you the hand – would you for one millisecond of a nanosecond even consider giving her anything close to resembling the likeness of a hard time about … fuck, ANYTHING?!?

No.
Of course you wouldn’t.

But he, apparently, did.
And you know what?
I bet the lovebirds are back in the news as soon as she makes bail …

… and he tries to make up …

… the dumbass

SOURCE

August 15, 2011 at 6:42 pm 2 comments

Older Posts



Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: