Posts filed under ‘George Bush’

Rank … and File 13

Dear Earth,

I know it’s been a while since my last letter and I hate to be the bearer of even more bad news for you because I know you’ve been under your weather for a really long time, buuuut – remember how I told you the folks at the Pew Research Center were doing a survey to figure out what people think President O’Beautiful’s priorities should be?

Well, they’re done and … gosh, I, I just don’t know how to say this other than just to come right out with it …

About those priorities?
You’re not one.

I mean, your movie was off the chain and all – and you know how hot Al Goregous makes me (kind of like the way burning fossil fuels and deforestation make you feel) – but the bottom line is that we’re all just beginning the long journey out of the darkness of this New Great Depression and, well, you don’t put food on the tab … oh wait – ok, you sort of  do … ummm, uhh, what I meant to say is that you don’t pay the bills.
Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to say.

You don’t pay the bills, and so we have to make fixing the economy Priority Numero Uno right now.

Now, I know we made a big deal about you there for a while and, gosh, I sure hope you don’t take this too hard … it’s just that there’s just so much to fix!!

What with the economic situation, the health care situation, the education situation, the social security situation, the crime situa … well, just all the other situations we’ve been so so busy not fixing for the last eight years.

But you are important to me!!
You are!

Increased heating bills, higher cooling bills, rising insurance bills, ever-expanding grocery bills … I know you’re a part of making all of those bills higher … if only you could help pay for them …
… but you can’t and so folks were all ‘Global Warming Schmobal Schmorming, Earth Schmerth! – I need to get straight up PAID, bitch!’ when it was time to prioritize.

Soooo … you know, like, I’m sorry and all and I really do hope you feel better soon.
Maybe next year … right?!?

Yeah … ok … well, umm, see you at the rally in April



January 23, 2009 at 3:54 pm 10 comments


I think I came three times …
… I also don’t think I’m allowed in the Circuit City on Okeechobee anymore – but they’re all going out of business soon, so who cares!!!
::: sorry your losing your jobs in this New Great Depression and all but big ups for letting this slut catch O’Baby’s speech on your wall of 1080i goodness!! :::

It was great! Just what I expected from the hot manwichness of O’Beautiful,  Jon Favreau, et al.
I mean, fortheloveofmoneygodvodka and all that is holy – I didn’t think it was possible to give that big a ‘fuck you’ to someone without actually saying the words!
::: … then again, that might just be because I only know six words :::

I caught the first one way early on!
“Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms .”
::: … a polite one, but a ‘fuck you’ nonetheless :::

“At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.”
::: … as opposed to Dumbya and his 8-year love affair with challenging our primary founding document … so, fuck you #2! :::

“That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood.”
::: fuck you :::
” Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.”
::: a ‘shared’ fuck you … :::
Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.”
::: Fuuuuck You! :::

“These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. “
::: Oooo — a researchified and intellectualacious fuck you! SPIFFY!! :::

“On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.”
::: Fuck you and the Republitard good ol’ boy network that got you here … :::

“[Our forebears] saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.”
::: An ‘establishment’ fuck you — sweet! :::

“For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act – not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.”
::: A bit hidden, but there it is — a lipsmackin’ DELICIOUS layer of yummy ‘scientifical fuck you’ sandwiched between the action and education fuck yous … CRAFTY!!! :::

“What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them – that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply.”
::: HAHAHA — now that’s just a brass balls BLATANT fuck you! GET THAT SWAGGER ON, HOT STUFF! :::

“The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works – whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. “
::: Brass balls blatant fuck you² !! :::

“And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account – to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day – because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.”
::: ‘Cuz he knew we’d be gettin’ a little hungry — a tasty slice of fuck you straight from the no-oversight  TARP bailout pie! :::

“Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control – and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.”
::: And, with that, the Brass Balls Blatant Fuck You TRIFECTA is in play! :::

“As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, our founding fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake.”
::: 911 911 911 fear fear fear war war war Fuuuuck YOU! :::

“Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please.”
::: How about a little ”diplomacy’ finesse with a some ‘torture IS illegal’ on the side to go with your fuck you?!? :::

Suck it naysayers — he brought it, he bought it — he owns it.

And Dumbya?
Well, I got my guffaw on when – in the absolute LAST possible moment of his entire presidency – it was his own lousy appointee, John Roberts, who misquoted the presidential oath of office.

How symbolic.


PHOTOS: Reuters, AP

January 20, 2009 at 9:08 pm 16 comments

Pass that doobie, Dick!

I don’t know what Dick Cheney is smoking but I WANTS ME SOME!!!

America’s evil overlord says no one saw saw the economic crisis coming and, oh yeah – nobody at the CIA has done anything wrong!


Darth Cheney spun his fantastical web of lies to an Associated Press reporter who probably had to coerce the beastmaster sign some sort of legal document stating he promised not to – at any point during the interview – attempt to drain the blood from the reporter’s veins and drink it as an afternoon cocktail, quarter small children using chopsticks and piano wire or turn the reporter into a psycho robot killer with his demonic laser stare of doom.
::: LOOK AWAY!!!! :::

Once Ol’ Snarly scrawled his 666, the interview was on.
::: It’s the Fuzzy Logic History Hour with Uncle Dick – YAY!!! :::

He said there is no reason, no reason whaaaaatsoever for Dumbya to even give one little thought [like he’s capable of another kind] to pre-emptively pardoning anyone at the CIA because it’s just a giant ball of CRAZY to think anyone there would have been involved in any of those way harsh interrogationny tactics the rest of the world affectionately calls torture. Nuh uh! Nosireee!!!

“I don’t have any reason to believe that anybody in the agency did anything illegal,” he monotoned while playfully tasering Agent 6 of his Secret Service detail.
::: MULTI-TASKER!!! :::

Dr. Doom went on to say that Shrub has no need, no need whaaaaatsoever  to apologize for not picking up on the globally evident signs of  the looming economic crisis leading to the New Great Depression … even though key business leaders and economists (… Nouriel Roubini anyone? anyone?) had been warning about them, pointing right at them and hanging neon signs directly over them for more than two ‘nuthin’ to see here, war war war, buy a Hummer, the fundamentals are strong’ years.

“I don’t think anybody saw it coming,” he said, bits of crestfallen taxpayer falling from his fangs.

Then he blah blah’d some caca about his  ‘retirement’ plans to write a book or some crapass crap and his desire kill fish in rivers all over the country, but the interview was called to a convulsively abrupt end when his batteries got wet from an unexpected splash of pig’s blood and fried all the circuits in his motherboard.

… I hate it when that happens …


January 9, 2009 at 9:23 pm 9 comments

TARP for Dummies

Mr. Financial Industry: Say there Mrs. Congress, you sure are lookin’ nine kinds of fine on this bright October day! Can I have some money?

Mrs. Congress: Why thank you! Autumn is my season! I suppose I could come off a few bucks for old time’s sake – but I have to check with Mr. Government to make sure it’s ok.

Mr. Financial Industry: Oh certainly! He’s a wonderful leader who has always put our needs first.

Mrs. Congress: Hi George! Mr. Financial Industry was wondering if he could have some money and, since I know you and the banks are total bushmoneybffs to the end I figured it was ok .. ok?

Mr. Government: Money? For the banks? SAY NO MORE!! Is $700 billion enough?!?

Mrs. Congress: I think — for now — it should be enough. Do you want me to have Mr. Financial Industry sign for it or anything?

Mr. Government: Oh no! He and I go way back! NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

Mrs. Congress: Oh George, that’s wonderful! Mr. Financial Industry will be so happy! But, umm, where is the money coming from?

taxpayermoneyMr. Government: From Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer, but don’t worry about your pretty little head over that insiginificant little detail.

Mrs. Congress: No worries then! I’ll give Mr. Financial Industry his big, fat, no-strings-attached check when we meet for dinner and drinks tonight.

Mr. Government: Sounds great! Make sure to tell him I might be a little late for our golf game on Saturday, ok?

Mrs. Congress: You got it, George!


… a distinctive chill slices through the air as the holidays close in. No one can afford to buy gifts or food or heat, since roughly 850,000 jobs have been eliminated in the two months since Mrs. Congress and Mr. Government gave Mr. Financial Industry his early Christmas bonus …


Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer sit at their kitchen table, poring over bills and scratching their heads in wonderment at just how the 6% rate on their bank-financed credit card could have possibly ballooned to 28% seemingly overnight.

Mr. Taxpayer: I don’t understand! We’ve never paid that card late once in 12 years! Something must be wrong. Don’t worry honey, I’ll call the bank and find out what happened.


Mr. Taxpayer: Hello? Mr. Bank? Hi, this is Mr. Taxpayer. I noticed that the rate on my credit card went from low-interest to mega-ultra-shockingly-high interest sometime between 10:30 and 10:31 this morning. We’ve never been late on a payment – can you tell me what happened?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: I’m sorry, Mr. Taxpayer, but Mr. Bank is on vacation this week. Can I help you?

Mr. Taxpayer: Yes, thank you. I was saying that I wanted to find out why my interest rate basically tripled in the last nanosecond … ooooh – there it goes again!

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Oh that. Yes sir. That’s a new corporate ‘rate recovery’ policy that we’ve just instituted at random but across the board to select and preferred and targeted, umm, clientelle? Yes. Umm hmm.

Mr. Taxpayer: Wait. Fee what?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Fee Ree-cuh-ver-eee Proh-graaam. It’s designed to help offset Mr. Bank’s tremendous losses in this time of economic recession. I’m sure you understand.

Mr. Taxpayer: Not exactly. I mean, I just read in the newspaper that Mr. Bank just got a  big check from Mr. Government — using my money. What did Mr. Bank do with my money?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: I’m really not at liberty to say, Mr. Taxpayer. You have the ‘basic’ account with us. That information is available only to our ‘premium’ clients.

Mr. Taxpayer: Ok. How do I become a ‘premium’ client?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Are you a lobbyist?

Mr. Taxpayer: No, ma’am. I’m a sheet metal fabricator

frustratedphoneMr. Bank’s Assistant: *laughs softly* Ok, I see. Well, then I’m afraid – no. You do not qualify for ‘premium’ status.

Mr. Taxpayer: Then how can I find out what Mr. Bank did with my money?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: You could try calling his boss, Mr. Financial Industry, but I believe his office just instituted a comprehensive ‘rate recovery information abstinence’ program. Would you still like his number?

Mr. Taxpayer: Umm, yes, I guess …

Mr. Taxpayer hangs up the phone and turns to Mrs. Taxpayer with a look of determination, fear, dread and anger … he dials …

Mr. Taxpayer: Hello! Mr. Financial Industry?

Mr. Financial Industry: This is he.

Mr. Taxpayer: Hi, this is Mr. Taxpayer. I was calling to find out if you could please tell me what Mr. Bank did with the money you gave him?

Mr. Financial Industry: I really wouldn’t know. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a golf ga …

screwedMr. Taxpayer: NO! WAIT!!! Can you at least tell me then what you did with the money Mrs. Congress and Mr. Government gave you? That was my money too!

Mr. Financial Industry: Oh really … your money …

Mr. Taxpayer: Yes! That was MY money! What did you do with it?!?

Mr. Financial Industry: FUCK YOU, that’s what I did with it!

— click —
— dialtone—

Troubled Asset Relief Program: TARP


December 22, 2008 at 9:28 pm 7 comments

There’s a special place in hell …

OK – let me get this straight …

  • The Tribune Company’s in deep doo doo
  • The New York Times, on the verge of going tits up, takes out a second mortgage on their digs to the tune of about $225 million
  • McClatchy’s looking to cut their journalistic crown jewel
  • Businesses and newspapers left and right are riffing their ranks
  • Distressed displaced window company workers are about to enter Day 5 of peacefully protesting Bank of America‘s greedy bullheaded assbackwardness
  • Widespread panic over the New Great Depression tanks US Treasury yields to goose egg range
  • Some cities can’t even afford to recycle anymore
  • Entire school districts are going under
  • The bailout-a-palooza has cost us more than all US wars and government programs combined
  • The US economy has shed 1.9 million jobs this year (that’s 1.9 million people out of work, for you Republicans keeping score)
  • Our audaciously hopified president of change cautions us to be less hopified about our current (and future and future and future) situation …
  • ::: just to nutshell it for ya … :::

    … yet THIS greedy douchebag — who presided over his company’s $11.7  BILLION loss this year — is probably gonna get his manicured hands on the $10 million bonus he’s demanding.

    That about right?

    … cuz it doesn’t seem right …

    December 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm 10 comments

    The Weekly Prediction

    The Weekly Prediction at Life Is A Cookie

    In two years the board governing the Pulitzer Prize awards will create a category purely for online content.

    I decree it. It is so.


    Joe Strupp of Editor and Publisher talked with Pulitzer Administrator Sig Gissler, who discounted but did not completely rule out an online category. (did anyone else hear that door open?)

    This year’s journalism submissions, which were down slightly from last year, included between 15% and 20% online content.

    “I think this will be growing, papers are getting better at integrating online elements,” Gissler said. 

    The Pulitzers began to accept online entries in all categories last year, except photography, which again requires still images, no video.

    “Online figured in the Public Service category entries, and there was an extensive slide show in that package,” Gissler said of the Post’s Walter Reed Army Hospital entry. “The [Post’s] breaking news reporting of the Virginia Tech. tragedy also had an online element.”

    Gissler said that 44% of Public Service entries had an online component, while 25% of investigative and explanatory entries did. Asked if the awards would ever create a Web-only category, Gissler said, “we have no plans, but we are carefully monitoring it. The question is to what extent do you depart from the intention of the Pulitzer Prize.” 

    But that’s NOT the question because it wouldn’t necessarily BE a departure.

    From the Pulitzer website:

    … sensitive to the dynamic progression of his society [Joseph] Pulitzer made provision for broad changes in the system of awards. He established an overseer advisory board and willed it “power in its discretion to suspend or to change any subject or subjects, substituting, however, others in their places, if in the judgment of the board such suspension, changes, or substitutions shall be conducive to the public good or rendered advisable by public necessities, or by reason of change of time.”


    Don’t fight it guys – it’s coming.

    I decree it. It is so.

    April 8, 2008 at 1:30 pm 1 comment

    Odd man out

    Spot the lameass duck leader …

    George W. Bush looks stupid with other world leaders

    … Georgie was always the last kid picked for global dodgeball …

    April 6, 2008 at 1:33 pm

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