Posts filed under ‘fashion’

This much I know


I am no Mr. Blackwell
::: but hey, technically neither is he, since he’s dead ‘n all … :::

I am no Joan Rivers
::: thank GAWD!!! :::

I am no Heidi Klum
::: but I pretend to be every Thursday night at Sammi … err, uhh, nevermind … :::

I am no high and mighty fashion critic.
I’m a fashion ICON!

As in ‘Icon see that shit and that shit ain’t right!’

And this shit ain’t right! —–>

It’s wrongness exists on several levels, but let’s not go into the granular details lest The Situation wannabe at my local LA Fitness who tormented MY EYES this very afternoon feel compelled to divert his rufie and hair gel savings and put it toward the kind of marrow-level in-depth psychoanalysis his entire being is so desperately crying out for.

No.
Let’s not do that.
We simply don’t have that kind of time.

But address the all-out fuckery that IS those shorts – WE MUST!

Because they aren’t shorts.
Or Pants.
Or Shants.
Or Ports.

Those, my friends, are culottes, okay?

Fucking culottes.

As in women’s fashion trousers circa 1978!!!

As in kinda ok these days for (women who do) yoga but not much else.

So stop it, douchebag.
Because it’s annoying to watch you try to be all testeroney as you priss and strut and flex and grunt while wearing those ridiculous things.
Because it doesn’t work.
Because it doesn’t make you look muscular, or masculine or, well, much of anything remotely, uhh, male.

It makes you look like my Aunt Carol.

‘Nuff said.

There’s a Sports Authority at Southern and 441.
Visit the men’s clothing section pronto because, DAYUM!

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November 20, 2011 at 9:24 pm 4 comments

And suddenly I feel all …


Well, seizurey for damn sure … but then I take a step back and ponder Scrawberreh Shoatcake a while longer and suddenly I’m all …

… nah, still seizurey.

I mean, I get it.
I know we can’t all be Sahar!
Hell, Sahar can barely handle being Sahar!!

But try, ‘kay?
Maybe just a little?

Because jammin’ your hams into a mess like that is among the wrongest kinds of wrongs.

That pank is stank, yo!

I’m serious.
Stop it.

Because perpetrating this kind of absolute rock-bottom fashion fuckery is ick and blech and ptooey and I’m pretty sure illegal in several states because of all of the aforementioned reasonation-type shit not to mention it hurts my fucking EYES!

MY EYES!!!!!!

So seriously — stop it.
Frealz.

Because landing your bedazzled butt on POWM or Poorly Dressed should not be your goal, your fallback position or your alibi.

So, like, seriously really — stop it.

Because some things you just can’t un-see.

September 18, 2011 at 8:41 pm 5 comments

Look no further. This is the one. Right here.


BEHOLD!!!!!

The Photoshop Award Winner for July 2011 New Millennium ALWAYS AND FOREVER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY AND BEYOND – LIZA!

No, do not look away.
Drink this bitch IN!

Because she’s spreadin’ her legs, flippin’ off Mutha Naytchuh and channeling her inner ‘Chicaco’ in a photoshoot that underscores, CAPITALIZES and puts in bold type  that this is the kind of perfectly polished and preserved perfection you can only achieve through a life well lived spatula pan-cake application, a gallon of black hair dye, eye Sharpie and about two weeks of Photoshop touchup.

Because it is.

Only not for some folks suckups on the interwebs who are losing their gat damned MINDS over the S&M-y pics Terry Richardson shot of the sexxxagenarian for LOVE. They’re gettin’their gush on, goin’ all “she looks pretty freaking amazing here” and “Liza has still got it” and “WOW, Liza Minnelli looks amazing” and so on and suchlike.

And they’re right.
Sort of.

The pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.
The very super ultra digitally doctored pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.

And they do.
Because they are.

Because bitch looked like this in March:

Now, I give props to Liza. I really do.
She’s accomplished, she’s renown, she’s got nice veneers.

And I want good things for her.
Her health, her happiness, her honoring us with continued performance excellence.

But her hotness?
I do not want Liza bringin’ the hotness.

Not now. Not ever.

Because she can’t.
Because she isn’t.

So get rid of the diffused light sources, back away from the Wrap Tool and don’t even think of clicking the healing brushes.
Let Liza be the old and imperfect but perfectly talented old trick she is — chins, belly and all.

We can take it.

August 5, 2011 at 12:12 am 3 comments

Oooo! Oooo! I know! I know!


Kim Kardashian’s wedding dress?

What do I win, Johnny?!? 😉

June 23, 2011 at 11:04 pm 3 comments

Lady Blah Blah


Maybe it’s the overexposure.
Maybe it’s the unruly fanbase.
Maybe it’s just all the lies and alibis.

I don’t know.
But what I DO know I was headed full-tilt toward SO OVER HER HERMIE ASS this week for yankin’ the chain of The Yank himself over the purported pièce de résistance of his forthcoming album.

GRRRR!

Lady Blah Blah’s ‘camp’ has been puttin’ the cold kibosh on Weird Al’s parody of ‘Born This Way’, saying bitch would have to do what no other artist has ever asked when selected as the source of some serious satire — her betterthaneveryoneelseness would have to listen to’I Perform This Way’ herself in order to give it her genetically furtive seal of approval.
So, he took a quick mo to bang out the lyrics and sent them to her team.
Their reply?

 “She actually needs to hear it. Otherwise the answer is no.”

She’s been famous for, what, like 17 minutes and 30 seconds and she pulls this shit? Ugh.

Now, keep in mind that under fair use laws, W.A.Y has the legal right to release the raunch without her rubber-stamping the song, but that’s just not how he rolls.

“Because of his own personal ethics regarding intellectual property, he won’t do it. At least, not for money. He was going to donate the income from the song to the Human Rights Campaign as it is,” a Businessinsider.com story states.

So he released the lyrics on YouTube this week … for free. As you might guess, you can just queue the Weird Al Fan Frenzy and sit back and watch what you know is coming next.

Suddenly this morning, her team’s all WOOPSIE! OUR BAD! THE SONG’S OK!

Music-mix quotes Al’s blog this morning, writing “Gaga’s manager has now admitted that he never forwarded my parody to Gaga—she had no idea at all. Even though we assumed that Gaga herself was the one making the decision (because, well, that’s what we were TOLD), he apparently made the decision completely on his own. He’s sorry. And Gaga loves the song.”

MISMANAGEMENT TOMFOOLERY!!

But the colossal dumbassery of this mess does underscore the obvious, which is that Weird Al will long outlast the Lady Caca’s, Madonna’s and other self-superior meatheads who think they ARE the music biz.

Rock on man — I’m hittin’ ‘White and Nerdy’ on the clickwheel now 🙂

April 22, 2011 at 1:05 pm

The Fuck?!


I missed it?

The second most sparkeliciously spectacular event in all of recorded history came and went this past weekend and I missed it?!

An event so perfectly plotted and preeminently purposed and which could have been, for all intents and purposes, FUCKING NAMED FOR ME — and I missed it?!?!

ACK!!!

More than 1,500 people who underfuckingSTAND got together Sunday for the first (hopefully annual ;)) “SlutWalk”.

THERE WAS A SLUTWALK — AND I FUCKING MISSED IT?!?!?

I so suck right now!
But they don’t!

Sluts from all over my new favorite city – TORONTO – wore their finest floozified frocks to got their protest on over a badge-holding idiot of über proportions who found the voice of his inner fucktard when he told a York University law class on Jan. 24 that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

Umm, looks like someone was absent the day Kelly McGillis and Jodie Foster put that shit to rest in ‘The Accused’.

But at least his departmental superiors weren’t. They reprimanded his ass and sent him packing pending ‘further training’.
::: let’s hope there’s a cattle-prod involved in that coursework :::

But enough about him.
BACK TO THE SLUTS!!!

During the two-hour, peaceful march, most participants dressed casually, others flamboyantly, with many proudly proclaiming they are “sluts.”
::: shockingly – no one was assaulted! Whatcha make o’ THAT?! :::

Protest co-founder Sonya Barnett delivered TRUTH when she told the crowd that victims are “never at fault” and that “Slut shaming needs to be addressed.”

Hell to the yeah, bitc … err, slut!

Just do me a solid and slip me the 411 on our club meeting a little earlier next year, will ya?
I already know what I’m wearing!!!!!

SOURCE

April 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm 1 comment

Go with Gordo


No, this is not a repeat of the great splotch of sanctification or the faux-marble floor messiah or even the miraculous window pane of piety.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
You sillies — of course it is!!!

Just scant days ago, a couple more crackheads believers in HOPE chanelled the kook and had themselves a celestial sighting, too.
::: hey hey sinners — holies for everyone!!! :::

Caroline and Stephen Gray were just minding their own business, walking near the now-holy waters of Cornwall and taking sexy snaps of the joint when they captured that original hot slut herself, the Virgin Mary, right there in the jagged rocks on the edge of a cave.
::: I bet their camera was a canon 😉 :::

“There was nothing on the screen when I took the original photograph. Then when we got home the image of the Virgin Mary had appeared … It looks like a pregnant woman and she appears to be holding a lamp. It certainly looks like the Virgin Mary,” Caroline blah blah’d about the ecclesiastical apparition.

And who’s to say her no.
::: ummm, logic for $1000, Alex? :::

All I know is that Caroline needs to forget about finding Madonna in the masonry and stop by Chez Cookie during NFL season to behold the real natural miracle that is my neighbor Gordon, who loves rockin’ a nice sudz gut in the nifty Niners hoodie he has a clear phobia about washing while taking his lifelong lover (whose name we won’t mention but her initials are BEER) on a stumble tour of the cul-de-sac random evenings after any of the MANY smackdowns San Fran suffered at the hands of whoever they played that day.

Now that’s the kind of crazy that’s deserving of a devotional!

March 2, 2011 at 10:44 pm

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