Posts filed under ‘divorce’

Well SOMEONE didn’t get the memo!!


I mean, really, this is basic ‘Ho Code 101’ shit, people.

The bottom-line, the guiding principle, THE golden fucking RULE when you’re bumpin’ fuglies with prominent, married public figures (or, ok, well, anyone who’s initials are NOT YOUR SPOUSE) is to take a chill on workin’ your grill.

It’s that simple.

No need for discussion!

It is immorality’s universally accepted imperative, for chrissakes!!

Yet, every few fornications there comes along some slut who just can’t keep it shut.

From Dynasty cast member wannabe Gennifer Flowers to dimestore hooker doppelganger Jaimee Grubbs to the demented and diapered Lisa Nowak — there’s always some skank who slips up and spoils the secret sexy times by spilling something she shouldn’t have.

Thanks a lot, Paula Broadwell!

Because of you tryin’ to go and blackmail a bitch over email and everything, poor David Petraeus now must foray back into the field of contraband coochie to find some stupid new streetwalker to screw.

Nice.

But the real tragedy here is far worse than whatever future befalls dear David … or you … .

The real tragedy here is bigger, Paula … because it affects me.

Yes, Paula … the catastrophic consequences of your exasperatingly irritating email tirades mean that I now must go buy an ax, find a frickin’ forest, cut down a tree, chop that shit up, build a frickin’ fire, heat up a poker and GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT
in an attempt to rid myself of the mental image of David’s sad old doggy dick doin’ The Cabbage Patch in yet another whore’s hoo-ha!

I live in fucking FLORIDA, Paula!
Do you have any idea how far I have to drive before I wind up in the woods?!?

Fucking FAR, Paula!!

Fucking.
FAR.

ACK!!!

It didn’t have to end like this, Paula.

Or maybe it did.

Because there’s always one hot ho mess out there like you, isn’t there Paula?

Oh yeah there is.

Take it to the bank, gents! 😉

November 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm 4 comments

Pure Awesome


December 31, 2009 at 12:56 pm 6 comments

Cheating just got easier (to prove)


BEWARE!!!

Social media is the worst thing ever created in the history of all histories and you should totally freak your shit over it because — before it kills you 20 kinds of dead — it’ll fuck your spouse, eff your biz and just flat out ruin your life.

Yuh huh! Will so!!
Bona fide RESEARCH proves it!!!

See, some schmoe from some divorce website heard that social sites like Facebook are really just all about sexy chatty times and were, therefore, a fundamental factor in the fragmentation of marital unions all over the gat damned place, so he put on his ‘how can I use this to get free publicity for my website’ hat and got all probey!
::: It’s not their fault!! The INTERWEBS made them cheat!!! :::

Divorce-Online’s Mark Keenan scanned the his company’s database for the word “Facebook” and found 989 instances of the word in 5,000 petitions.

Horror!

“I was really surprised to see 20 percent of all the petitions containing references to Facebook,” said Keenan, who clearly just fell off the turnip truck this morning.

SHOCK!!

Other social networking sites, including MySpace, Bebo and Twitter, also featured heavily in the sample of 5,000 divorce papers studied.

OUTRAGE!!!

And just what lewd labors came to light over the social networking landscape?
::: HINT: Answer graph three … :::

“The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to.”

Inappropriate sexual chats.
Inappropriate sexual chats?!

Puh-LEEZ!
I have that in my Bag O’ Get The Best Treadmill At The Gym Tricks!
::: Because it’s the only way to get Mr. Overmuscled Roidhead Assmaster off my machine! :::

I have that in my How To Make The Tightass At Work Nervous Handbook!!
::: Because, oh who are we kidding? That shit’s just fucking funny is why! :::

I have that in my Ways To Get Mr. Cookie To Do … oh wait … we’re married, that doesn’t count.
::: #17! #17!!!!! :::

But whatever!
Inappropriate sexual chats.
Uh huh, sure … I’m all … meh …

Where’s the porn?
The passionless partners?
The innate penchant for hanky panky???

Has social media also killed those time-tested requisite exercises in infidelity?!?

I don’t know … but I DO know that Mr. Divorce Website’s serious scientifical researchification proves one thing: Cheaters better check it before they wreck it because these days dirty chat’s all you need to claim they’ve done the deed.

But, hey, turn those frowns upside down all you sadder but wiser spouses out there!
There IS  a bright side!
Writechic has found the perfect gift for YOU!

SOURCE

December 22, 2009 at 11:26 am 6 comments

OctoGEDDON!!!


Fresh off my five-day cerebrospinal fluid imbalance-induced week of the most horrific hurt EVAR!!!!! — I take the first baby steps on my way to rejoining polite society only to be smacked in the face by America’s newest national nightmare:

Jon Gosselin did something un-Jon and Kate Plus 8-ey!!!

Oh.
MY.
GAWD!!

While I was making the climb back to civilization – the Learning Channel’s favorite bossy broodmare and her boring-ass bitch of a husband became gossip’s new golden couple after the lab-created dad was spotted gettin’ his drink and party on without the old ball and chain.

And because YOU were coherent and generally ‘with it’ last week — YOU already know what happened next …

Total.
FUCKING.
PANIC!!!!!

jonkateThe interwebs were going all apeshit with rumors of boozified cheateration, whoremongering and *gasp* divorce – but I was going all ‘This shit’s passing for news now?’
Frealz?!?

Because – no lie peeps – I can think of, like, a gozillion other things more deserving of my attention [H1N1 … economy … recalls … China …] and my ‘getting bent out of shape’ energies than some poor castrated nutsack enjoying a rare moment of freedom while the zookeeper’s away.

Nope.
Sorry.
You’ll have to do better.
I’m just a tough customer like that.

The only way this thing has any ‘mo is if Nadya Suleman is (even if it’s just in some small way) responsible — because that would just be a big, bold shade of hot mess AWESOMENESS!

No shit!
That kind of showdown would totally set my summer!

X-Men Origins? You’re outta here!
Terminator? Star-Trek?? Transformers??? Totally trivial!
And you, Harry Potter?!? PISS OFF, fuckbucket!!!

octofight1These breeders better start bringin’ the pain or I cancel ALL subscriptions!!!

You got me TLC bigwigs!?!

Unless you’re putting the final touches on the bitchslappiest KY-jelly-filled steel cage Mother’s Day smackdown in history — don’t even THINK about getting me to tune in for another one of Maddy’s meltdowns next season!

You bring me that hot Octo-on-Octo action I crave … or we’re THROUGH!

May 4, 2009 at 5:05 pm 6 comments

Guess what? Now everyone knows you’re a loser!


Todd Dellinger is a deadbeat dadDeadbeat Parent (Wikipedia):
A pejorative term referring to parents who have freely chosen not to be financially supportive in their children’s lives. The real definition is an unrestricted parent treated equally who chooses not to be a regular or supportive parent in their child or children’s lives.

Todd Dellinger’s picture should accompany that definition. He’s your classic prick with an unfortunately working dick who will probably sire another child before turning tail and ducking out … again.

But his shortcomings aren’t limited to his personal relationships – heck no!
He sucks at business too!!
Just ask Pacesttr of Winterville, Georgia, who has hired a lawyer to try and get back some of the money Todd Dellinger stole from him – he posted all about it on RipoffReport.com – check it out!

And the children? What about them?

It’s true, we cannot lie — Todd Dellinger is a loser of epic proportions but he did at least one thing right in his pathetic, moronic, teeny-peeny excuse for a life, which was to help give this world one of the sweetest little faces it will ever know. And that sweet little face will thank her lucky stars forever that she has the most extraordinary mom (my wonderful friend) right there every day working to keep the now-Toddless family together.

Yes indeedy — he couldn’t hack it and left my dear friend to do it all alone.
And you know what that means? She gets everything …

She gets to give the kids kisses every morning and whisper nightie nites while tucking them in. She gets the big smiles for Fourth of July fireworks. She gets the handmade Mother’s Day cards with the stick-figure drawings.

When they come rushing through the front door, giggling at the end of the day it’s HER they run to give a big hug to.

Because HE didn’t think any of that was worth the child support payments necessary to make those things happen, SHE gets everything.

Every happy, every sad, every joy and ever hurt. Every holiday, boo-boo, slumber party, lost tooth … every report card, first date, prom, graduation, wedding and grandbaby.

Every childhood story they ever tell; every dream they ever have; every memory they ever recall — will have a common thread running through them:
Mom

You go girl!!

And Todd Dellinger? This may be what he has to look forward to.

Karma’s a bitch, loser!

April 2, 2008 at 6:18 pm 6 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: