Posts filed under ‘dining’

Cookie Casualties!!!

Calm down – Not that kind of cookie …
::: I would never hurt you intentionally :::

But seriously – not to pick on the Brits or anything but what in holy hell is wrong with you fucking people?!?

A new study has revealed that the fat prats across the pond are just a big ol’ bunch of pansy-assed wah-wahs who can’t seem to handle their daily tea without a round of tears to go with it.

evil_cookResearch company Mindlab International was commissioned by the makers of Rocky Chocolate biscuits and discovered that more than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits.


For any non-European nimrods reading this rubbish who don’t know — biscuit = cookie.

Don’t laugh!
::: ok, maybe just a little :::

This is like a national epidemic or some shit!

An estimated 25 MILLION apparently braindead Britons have been injured as they ate during a tea or coffee break (25 MILLION) and at least 500 of the crybaby poo-pooheads had to carry their crumpets to the local care ward for futher ridicule treatment.

gingerdeadmanThe list of injuries from the ingestibles includes:
1. People being fucking stupid poking themselves in the eye

2. People being fucking stupid falling of their chair while reaching for a bisuit

3. People being fucking stupid scalding their fingers reaching for crumbs floating in a hot cuppa something

4. People being fucking stupid getting bitten by a pet or “other wild animal” trying to get their biscuit

5. People being fucking stupid breaking teeth on too-hard biscuits

6. People being fucking stupid choking on crumbs

But none one of those owees can shake a stick at the most superachievery biscuit blunder of all time!!
The asshat who gave the middle finger to fate, went full retard and ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray cookie.
::: way to go dumbass, Foxworthy’s got your sign … :::

Researchifiers even sketched out a sort of ‘Most Wanted’ list of the most dangerous edible offenders out scarycookiesthere. The list, appropriately called The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation, or B.I.T.E. – ranks the dastardly Custard Creme the all-time No. 1 most badass bisuit in the bunch – The Supreme Cookie Casualty Causer!
So … just so you know – stay away from that bitch!

Mike Driver, Marketing Director for Rocky said: “We commissioned this study after learning how many biscuit related injuries are treated by doctors each year. orking with biscuits every day, we’d long suspected they’re not as innocent as they look, and we were right.”

And thank GOD – right?!?
Just think of all of the cookie catastrophes that could have been!



September 10, 2009 at 10:31 am 3 comments

Obvious Obviosity 101

We are a big ol’ bunch of lying fatties, America!

We say we want fast-food joints and sit-down restaurants to offer healthier choices but when it comes time to actually put our money where our giant pie holes are, we ditch all that ‘diet talk’ and go for the gut busters.

At least, according to a company which tracks restaurant menus to identify flavor, preparation, food and pricing trends and, apparently, does the occasional survey of the painfully fucking obvious.

Roughly of chowhounds quizzed by Mintel Menu Insights said they would like to see more healthy options, but only 51% order from those selections.
::: Frealz — someone needed a survey to uncover this bombshell evidence? :::

“There’s definitely a dichotomy between what people say they want and what they actually do when it comes to healthy restaurant eating,” a Mintel flak blah blah’d as some sort of a dismissive justification for our jowlitudinousness.

I’m shocked!

“Over eight in 10 adults told us it’s very or somewhat important to them to eat healthy, but when it comes to dining out, most people are really looking for taste, texture and experience.”


According to the company, the ready availability of better quality, more nutritious food wasn’t the only thing stopping us from eating better.
Oh no!
Price was also an obstruction to eating well!

Get. OUT!

Fifty-four percent of those surveyed admitted they believe it costs more to eat better.

“As cash-strapped consumers tighten their belts, they’re choosing cheap and tasty comfort food,” the survey concluded — which sounds plausible and all until you boil it down to the bottom like and reckonize that a bitch’ll befriend a biggie burger n’ fry combo over some lo-cal caca any day — New Great Depression or not!

Which make me wonder what great new revelation Mintel Menu Insights will bring us next?
That the colors used in a restaurant help determine if we’ll stay and how much we’ll spend?



June 24, 2009 at 2:51 pm

When crazy calls …

There seems to be some kind of fascination in Florida recently with calling 9-1-1 whenever some shithead gets his panties in a bunch.

First there was Jacksonville’s Reginald wrongwayPeterson, who singlehandedly spearheaded this super stupidity by calling 9-1-1 not once, but twice to complain to police that his Subway sandwich was not made to his liking.
::: Jared would NOT approve! :::

Then came copycat complainer Jean Fortune of Boynton Beach who called the cops when the local Burger King ran out of lemonade.
::: Clearly, the irony of the whole ‘when life hands you lemons’ lesson was lost on Mr. Fortune. :::

Not to be outdone by the men’s team in the Get A Fucking Clue Championships, Latreasa Goodman of Ft. Pierce suffered a mcdsupersized McNugget meltdown when her local Mickey D’s ran out of the deep-fried pressed ‘chicken’ parts.

“This is an emergency! If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one. This is an emergency,” Goodman griped in one of her two 9-1-1 calls.
* Oh DO click the links and give it a listen — you’ll thank me*

And now we have Tampa’s Evon Cavett – who skillfully set her self apart from the rest of that sadsack pack by going full retard without ever leaving home.
::: CRAFTY! :::

This bitch dialed dispatchers not one, not Two, but THREE times to complain that her roommate was trying to take away her beer — but when the cops showed up, Cavett conveniently couldn’t remember calling them in the first place.
::: … et wuzzin mee, occifers … :::

They left and she immediately called 9-1-1 to complain about their visit. I’m sure she would have made all kinds of good points and sincere statements –  but the emotional toll of being such a colossal dumb fuck was too much for even Evon and she started to cry.
She sobbed “It hurts my feelings” before doing a quick attitudinal 180 and evoncblurting out, “Look, if you’re going to lock me up, come here and lock me up! You heard that?”
::: All bets are off when you let Natty Light do the talking! :::

Not long after hanging up on her second ’emergency’ call, Sloshy McDrinksalot drunk dialed again, shouting “Come arrest me!” — and shock of shocks – they did!
::: That house coat in her booking mug is HOT! :::

Oh – she’ll be ok. Don’t you worry about old Evon. No sir!
County lockup is like a second home for this wacko ho, who’s prior arrests are a veritable treasure trove of transgressions – including
Battery, aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, theft, driving without a license, operating an unregistered vehicle and writing a bad check.

So it’s hardly surprising that she’d lose her shit over some suds.

After being arrested and charged with three misdemeanors, Twitferbrainz posted $1,250 bail and was set free to one day [very soon] delay emergency responders from handling your heart attack … or assisting after reported assault … or tending to a trauma victim …

March 27, 2009 at 4:50 pm 5 comments

What do you get …


When you cross a few 42-ounce Mojitos with some quality museum time?

One hella great weekend stimulatin’ the ‘economy’  in Miami, bitches!

What did you do?

March 16, 2009 at 10:23 am 7 comments

HAHAHAHA … noooooo


Apparently, this shit ^ is all the rage in Taiwan.

(I wonder if they’re actual bathrooms are Wallypop equipped … ) 


March 5, 2009 at 11:08 am 10 comments

Darned SHOOTIN’!

And the award for Most Retarded Display of Selfish Corporate Fuckery goes to …

McDonald’s! – for their patent refusal of Workman’s Compensation benefits to an employee who was shot [at the MCDonald’s where he worked] while trying to defend a woman who was being beaten [at the MCDonald’s where he worked].
::: Way to go, corporate fuckers!! :::

Nigel Haskett’s heroics earned him three abdominal surgeries and a permanent reminder of the universal law that no good deed goes unpunished in the form of a partial bullet — forever lodged — in his back.
::: Who says you can’t take it with you?!? :::

Haskett’s unselfish actions also garnered the highest admiration and respect from his employer.

Noooo — just kidding!

McDonald’s really couldn’t have said ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ more quickly or more clearly.

Facing more than $300,000 in medical bills from the shooting [at the MCDonald’s where he worked], Haskett filed a claim with the state Workers Compensation Commission — to which McDonald’s replied, well,  ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’
::: See! :::

In a letter to the Commission, McDonald’s insurer wrote: “we have denied this claim in its entirety as it is our opinion that Mr. Haskett’s injuries did not arise out of or within the course and scope of his employment.”
::: I’ll bet his timecard begs to differ! :::

The McLawyers say McEmployees are given strict McInstruction to ‘do nothing’ that would put themselves or anyone else in danger during the course of their McWorkday.

Oooook — and, umm, the McCustomers? Any advice on their safety, Mickey D?!?

Ohhhh riiiight – ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ – GOTCHA!

In a clear deviation from Chapter 6, paragraph 13 of McDonald’s We Didn’t See Nuthin’ Customer Beatdown policy, Haskett’s boss Ray Nosler called him a hero for his actions last August and contributed to a fund setup for his employee.

“We are all grateful to Nigel and that’s why it is so unfortunate that he’s having a difficult time with the insurance claim,” Nosler says.  “Because the insurance claim is still pending, I’m not able to say more about it, but I hope his claim will come to a quick resolution and the right thing will be done for my employee.”
::: awwww – i haz cry :::

Video of the incident had been available on YouTube, but now there is a disclaimer that reads: This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by McDonald’s Corporation.

They don’t want to own up to any responsibility for what happens in their restaurants but they’ll sure as shit own the evidence!
::: I’m not lovin’ it :::

Eh, McFuckem — you can watch it here.


So what do you think?
Should the Evil Clown Empire cough up some cash or should we just all understand we’re taking our lives in our hands each time we frequent the corporate-sanctioned anything goes, lawless wasteland that is your neighborhood McDonald’s?


February 23, 2009 at 11:34 am 3 comments

Feedin’ time!


Bein’ as we’ez so broke-ass broke an all, I’s oh’veer thinkin’ I’s gonna be shit outta luck an luv this Valentahnz Day — but Wahffel Haus dun saved it fer me!
::: Thank Yew Wahffel Haus!!! :::

They’s off’rin up a real nice candelaht dinner, wut wi’ wyte tablecloth an everthang!
::: ahhh romanse! :::

I s’poze they did it lass year er sumthin like ‘at an fohk’s took to it like salt on a ‘mayter cuz they’s doin’ it a-gin

… an yew no wut?
I am all a-bout it!!!!

Stan bak! Cuz I’m fixin’ to git twiiny kinds o’ Skatter’d, Smuther’d, Kuhver’d, Chunk’d, Top’d an Dahs’d!!


February 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm 7 comments

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