Posts filed under ‘crime’

So that happened …

With the Newtown Massacre just a super-sized slice of  STILL TOO FRESH :(, it’s no small wonder that my snark just isn’t as up-to-snuff as I like that shit to be.

So I’m not even gonna go there right now.

But I’ll leave you with this …

… and tease you with this snippet of a soon-to-be-revealed MAJOR AWARD — Major Awardthe likes of which is eternally unparalleled with any accolade ever accorded to any living organism ever to have existed throughout the entirety of all of the ages known the man!!!

Yup, it’s that big.

December 31, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Dumbass of the day

But it’s not who you think.

I mean, you’d think it’d be Brianna here for gettin’ her panties in a BIG ol’ bunch over some messages on her cellphone, channeling her inner Tyson, breakin’ out a wooden nut cracker and schooling her boyfriend on the art of DON’T DO THAT!

I mean, I could see how you’d think that.
Because it’s a pretty dumbass thing to do.
And a pretty dumbass reason to do it.

But Brianna Del Rio isn’t today’s dumbass.
Her boyfriend is.

And you know why.

Because any normal, sane, sober person over the age of FETUS can take one look at that hot slut and know Bri’s a bitch with which you do not fuck.

Drink. Her. IN!

If confronted by a woman with eyebrows so razor sharp even drag queens won’t go there, eyes so dead they’d burn a hole right through your soul and lips so perfectly pursed she doesn’t even NEED to give you the hand – would you for one millisecond of a nanosecond even consider giving her anything close to resembling the likeness of a hard time about … fuck, ANYTHING?!?

Of course you wouldn’t.

But he, apparently, did.
And you know what?
I bet the lovebirds are back in the news as soon as she makes bail …

… and he tries to make up …

… the dumbass


August 15, 2011 at 6:42 pm 2 comments

PSA, Bitches!

I know it’s summer and all and the kids are out of school and nagging you to the point of insanity on a daily basis right about now to go to some sunny spot to get their vakay on and stuff and a lot of the time that means places in Florida, which is fine and all as long as you STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUMMERFIELD, that is.

No shit.

Because I don’t know if it’s the water or the food or the air or the parenting or the lack thereof for any of the aforementioned, but something is definitely grimly, grizzly, grotesquely rotten in Summerfield, Florida … which is only about a half hour from Ocala and an hour or so from Orlando, where people go and gather and do summer-type fun and/or family things but may want to reconsider if for no other reason than the sheer proximity to some crazy ass pubescent crackheads in Summerfield, who seem to think it’s just a big ol’ slice of OK! to torture a trick for, uhh, well, NOTHING it seems!


Just scant months ago, a grand jury sat for about a nanosecond of a micronanosecond before indicting five hopefully future penal institute punching bags in the only-in-the-movies type murder of a 15-year-old in Summerfield, who investigators say was beaten and shot multiple times, hit with a blunt object so his kneecaps would shatter, then tossed into a burning fire pit before his remains were disposed of in five-gallon paint cans in a secluded area.

Uh huh.

And now comes news that a couple of other Internet Generation idiots made the dimwitted decision to ‘torture, kill and dismember’ another kid.

Doesn’t anyone just go to the fucking beach anymore?!?

According to the Orlando Sentinel, ‘The boys were playing an Xbox computer game and discussed a proposal to gag the boy, hit him over the head and stuff him into a “Kevlar bag” so he would sink when they threw him into waters near Miami.’

Uh huh.

This is the poodge that passes for summertime fun for some perturbed little punks in Summerfield these days.

The second boy offered to bring a “torture kit” that he said he kept in the trunk of his car.

Read that one more time.

The kid is riding around with all of the ingredients assembled to inflict an outrageous amount of anguish on another soul.

And he thinks it’s ok.

Uh huh.

Now me? Oh sure. The Cookie’s got some junk in her trunk.

A pair of jumper cables, a blanket, a light-up suction-cup AU sign and pair of platform shoes.

Not exacely ridin’ dirty … or murdery like some people I could name but won’t because the popo haven’t released the little fucker’s name yet, but a sheriff’s search of the butchery little bastard’s trunk revealed an ax, surgical cutting tools, a torch lighter, rope and scissors.

Uh huh.

The teens were each arrested on a charge of conspiracy to commit murder.

So, seriously and frealz out there whoever you are and wherever you may be accessing LIAC from … STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUMMERFIELD ‘cuz the kids there?

They ain’t RIGHT!

July 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm 1 comment

Did I miss a memo?

I mean, ok, so I have been out of it for a bit, but really people — this is just a smouldering pile of fuckupery!

Has donating your own plasma suddenly become passé?
Is it no longer profitable to get paid to work the pole?
Did embezzlement somehow become obsolete?

I don’t know how or when it happened but I do know this:
This is a dark day!
THIS is a sure sign of the Apocolypse!!
THIS is when it becomes just a big ol’ bag of crystal clear that this New Great Depression shall see no end!!!
::: this is where you act all concerned and shit :::

Gone are the days of innovative income ideas.
In their place now exists a ramshackle rundown of dastardly deeds I didn’t think could get any worse – ooohhhh but it has!

Because it’s come to this:
Weave Theives are stealing America follicle by faux follicle!


A bunch of bandits recently broke in to an Atlanta beauty store and stone cold STOLE $30,000 worth of extensions!


Lucien Poko, manager at the Beauty Master store near Greenbriar Parkway told Atlanta police that four burglars were driving a black Chevrolet Suburban when they smashed the two front doors of his shop with a rock and went directly to the display of Remi hair extensions.

Those low-down dirty cheaters of the counterfeit coif were probably casing the joint for months. How else can the beeline to those specific braids be explained?!

And this isn’t the first time!
Last month, mop muggers rammed a car through the front door of a Clayton County beauty supply store and made off with $10,000 in fake follicles — a paltry payload by comparison but still distressing to those sans strand and cause for concern for the rest of us as well!

I mean, can you just imagine the HELL there will be to pay if Beyoncé can’t lace up her locks or if Sam Donaldson’s next piece gets purloined?!

And don’t even get me started on Jim Eastabrook!!!

C’mon America! Don’t we have better things to do? Better ways of amassing even the smallest semblance of wealth?!

We can do better!
The time is now to rise, rise I say and RALLY against this hair nightmare before the inanity goes national!!
::: this is where you go ‘bitch was gone for all this time and this is the best she can do on return?! :P:::


June 20, 2011 at 6:52 pm

On the next episode of MTV’s ‘Cribs’ … NOT!

Now, I can freely admit that if I had read this shit on Fkdupdad’s Messed Up Parenting Tips blog, I’d have probably laughed until I peed myself or something because he’d put his usual HAHAHATHAT’SSOMEFUCKEDUPSHITHAHAHA type of spin on it and it would seem like something every parent should get on the ball and start doing, like, YESTERDAY.

Except I didn’t read it there.
And it’s not something every parent should start doing ANY day.

But it IS a 100% pure example of actual, real-world messed up parenting of Olympic Gold Medal winning proportions.

Seems Washington couple Captain Duh and the Wonder Wench over there thought it would just be a super slice of OK! to cage two 5- and 7-year-old boys.

“Because they are autistic, it’s the only way to contain them,” said Alayna Higdon, who is not the biological mother of either caged child but does live in the apartment with their father, her son from another relationship and their 11-month old baby.

Nature versus Nurture NUTJOB!!

“What am I supposed to do, let them run around the house and get into everything? What kind of [expletive] parenting is that?'” Father Failure of the Year candidate John Eckhart said.

Uhh, the fucked up kind?!?

Child Protective Services received a complaint and responding patrol officers found two of four children in the apartment locked in a bedroom tricked out with a sadly singular and definitely dirty mattress but missing those extra little luxuries like blankets, clothes and toys — and, oh yeah, one other teensy weensy thing — the door had been removed and replaced with a cage-like door, restricting access to the rest of the apartment.

One of the officers investigating wrote, “as I got close to the cage to take photographs, the children came close to me and were reaching their arms through to try and grab on to me. They were both making moaning noises and they tapped their fingers together through the holes between the metal bars. When I got close to them, I could smell a strong odor of urine coming from their diapers.”

Sounds like someone forgot just ALL about the kids in the kennel …. but you know, caring for anyone at any age with any type of special need can be just an exceptionally difficult and trying challenge — depending on the challenge — and so, you know,  I’d like to give the bad mom and dad a bit of a break on this outrageous set of infractions … except, according to the police reports, they seem to have come up short on one crucial component that might have compelled The Cookie, who is herself Aunt to an outstanding (and yes, autistic) nephew, to cut the corrupt couple a break:

Well, now it’s ‘Foster’ – that’s where.


April 15, 2011 at 3:14 pm 8 comments

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