Posts filed under ‘advertising’

Way to go, Fatso!!

If this does’t make you want to freebase gravy and make sweet sweet love to a Hardee’s Bacon Double Thickburger, then I don’t know what will because Arizonian Kelly Gneiting is bringing the chunk and living the dream!

The three-time American sumo wrestling champion made history this weekend when he broke the Guinness World Record for Heaviest Person to Complete a Marathon.
::: in other news, there is an American sumo wrestling champion :::

Gneiting – who refers to himself the ‘Fat Man’ – weighed a whopping 1600 Quarter Pounders when he started the Los Angeles Marathon yesterday.

While we were all watching our Brackets go BUST (sidenote: F-U, ‘Cuse! 😦 ), the 40-year-old, six-foot flabmaster battled driving rains, sore feet and what I can only imagine was the most super-serious nipple ouch EVAR before he crossed the finish line in 9 hours, 48 minutes and 42 seconds – beating his 2008 record of 11:52:11 when he weighed a not-so-supersized 275 pounds.

After the race, a breathless Gneiting told the Los Angeles Times: ‘I’d like to see the Kenyan improve his marathon time by two hours.’


Dude is nothing short of a modern-day medical MIRACLE of moundish massiveness!
I love him!

‘Big people can do the imaginable.’


StudCornmuffin’s gonna follow up his marathon mastery by hiking from the Dead Sea to Mount Everest and swimming the English Channel.

And, because I am now an admirer of the adipocerous athlete, I have just two words if he’s reading – You Tube!


March 21, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Maybe it’s just me …

Maybe if it was called something other than a “Call 2 Fall” …
Maybe if it was just positioned slightly differently …
Maybe if it wasn’t sponsored by the gay-bashing Family Reasearch Council …

Maybe if all that were different then maybe my eyes wouldn’t automatically interpret that dude as being in the perfect position to perform some pretty impious yet positively pornographic oral on the Prime Mover himself.

But, hey, maybe it’s just me.


March 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm 2 comments

I usually don’t give one …

But, because I care — here you go:

March 10, 2011 at 4:24 pm 3 comments



March 4, 2011 at 3:22 pm 4 comments

This I know

I’m no CLIO winner.

I don’t have an alternate advertising budget.

And the gurge you get in this space doesn’t exactly qualify it as a ‘vehicle’.

Fuck! I can’t even sit through a stinkin’ episode of Mad Men!

So, I guess the fine point that I seem to be smashing to bits with Thor’s sledghammer of TRUTH is that it’s not exactly Charlie Sheen Sobriety FibFest 2011 SHOCKING that yours truly doesn’t know – or even claim to know – DICK about advertising.

But I know this:

When you’re pimping a product whose purpose is purportedly to protect one’s persona and other personally proprietary info, whatnots ‘n shit — it might be just a super-duper slice of swellness to opt for an ad model who doesn’t bear quite such an eeerily accurate resemblance to an alleged baby murderer and, consequently, one of the most hated people in the whole and entire state country world UNIVERSE.

Just sayin’

February 25, 2011 at 7:10 pm

The road to redemption is paved with technology

Forgive me iTunes, for I have sinned.
It has been 3 minutes since my last confession.

That’s right fornicators – it’s time to get O-face excited because there’s an app out there that just might save your sick asses from the wicked flames of eternal damnation!
::: Well, everyone except for YOU, Nate :::

Get salvation in a SNAP simply by downloading the Catholic Church approved ‘Confession’ to your iPhone, iPod Touch or iPad for, iThink 😉, just $1.99!


Nervous one of your students might tell?

Having impure thoughts about your neighbor’s bulldog?

Acting out improperly at work because your carpel tunnel is seriously cutting in to your not-so-secret solo sexy times?

Who cares!

‘Confession’ is now cheaper and less work to get than the offering plate donation you worked the pole four hours straight to snag last weekend.

And the best part?

You can do it without any of that pesky hypocritical judgment from the local child molester parish priest!
::: win-win :::



February 8, 2011 at 7:58 pm


GoDaddy go to your room!

And STAY THERE until you and your #2 pencil can score at least a D- on your next Super Bowl Advertising Etiquette 101 exam without the obvious Photoshop trickery you sickasses perpatrated on my innocent ocular cavities this time.

I ain’t havin’ it, bitches!
I have graded your latest, uhh, attempt as a pitifully lame mockery of the SESSAY the world has come to expect from you!

A 77-year-old?
What were you thinking?!

Did the shock of the not really shocking reality that there is not now, nor has their ever been, the smidgiest bit of beef in your Taco Bell Enchirito deliver the ‘thenwhatthehellhaveIbeeneating’ so hard you hit your head on the coffee table on your way out of consciousness before the cameras started rolling?

That’s got to be it.
Tell me that’s it!
Because if that’s not it, there is just ZERO excuse for this unholy meemaw MESSINESS!

Even if you plunged that bag o’ sag in Crisco, infused her with the sweet, untouched nectar and promise of a thousand pre-pubescent girls and drown her old ass in hyperbaric oxygen therapy for as long as all of her surgical warranties combined – this look ————————————–>
 is not achieved.

Just a big DO NOT WANT sandwich any way you slice that synthetic septuagenarian’s surgically-altered and permanently-pickled parts.

Like flyng pink unicorns, an actual Sarah Palin intelligence quotient or lasting peace in the Middle East – some things just aren’t.
Joan Rivers’ sex appeal = AREN’T TO INFINITY!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to start drinking very, Very, VERY heavily figure out how to forget I ever saw this shit!

February 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm 7 comments

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