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Ad Server Fail


Puts me in mind of an automated Home Depot banner ad back in the SportsLine days that featured a hand saw cutting through the promotional copy right above a story of about football player who had to have his arm amputated after an accident.

Not as unfortunate as that ginormously long sentence … but unfortunate just the same.

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July 25, 2011 at 10:55 pm 2 comments

No. No. Forever NO!


The boneheads over at Berjuan Toys want you to buy a ‘Breast Milk Baby’ for your delicate flower of daughterhood because it will ‘teach children the nurturing skills they’ll need to raise their own healthy babies in the future,’ according to to Dennis Lewis, U.S. spokesman for the Babydoll Booby Prize winning company.

‘Breastfeeding is good for babies …’
True!

‘ …it’s good for mommies’
True!!

‘ … and it’s good for society …’
TRUE!!!

‘We really don’t understand why this has created such controversy.’
Truthfully?

Because, I mean, umm, seriously? This is wrong.
Seriously wrong.

I mean, umm, well, uhh, it’s not just the video of a real flesh and bones mommy’s breastesses complete with sucking baby attachment on the promotional video you made spliced and diced all kinds of ways with Little Suzie Seven Years Old draping her very own big-girl milking vest around her too-young-to-even-be-a-tween chest cavity as she simulates the adult action for herself.

It’s the whole and entire concept of the thing.

‘We’re being called perverts and pedophiles for promoting feeding our babies the way God intended.’

Wait.
God intended girls who haven’t even gone through puberty to breast feed?!?
Really? Where in the bible is that?
Lactations 27:6?

Ya.

You’re not being called perverts and pedophiles for promoting the breastfeeding of babies.
You’re being called perverts and pedophiles for promoting breastfeeding the breastfeeding of babies BY babies.

Because seriously, we know wrong.
We’ve seen some severe wrongness from doll makers in the past, so we know our shit.

Who can forget Remco’s creeptastic Baby Laugh-A-Lot
——————————————>
who’s shriekish sound made kids across the planet Cry-A-Lot, have Nightmares-A-Lot and End-Up-In-Therapy-A-Lot.

And what about Birthin’ Barbie?! From the tear-away tummy to the folded-up fetus inside – that bitch was bad from every angle!

Kewpies?
EWWWpeez!

Cabbage Patch Kids?
Get out of that garden!

And whatever the OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCKISTHATTHING is going on here!!

A gastly collection of toy thoughts woven together in history by WRONG!

So go ahead Breast Milk Baby – join the ranks of disgusting doll ideas for all eternity.

And you toy makers?
Do not even THINK about peddlin’ Patty Pubescence with real ‘down there’ hair, ‘kay?

‘Cuz we ain’t havin’ it!

No.

July 18, 2011 at 8:49 pm 2 comments

Not the way I would have gone, but …


CBS doesn’t seem to have a problem with an ad tagline of ‘Where enthusiasm lives’ under a photo of a woman who looks fucking comatose.

It should read ‘Where enthusiasm died’

Advertisement FAIL

June 24, 2011 at 8:18 pm 2 comments

Lady Blah Blah


Maybe it’s the overexposure.
Maybe it’s the unruly fanbase.
Maybe it’s just all the lies and alibis.

I don’t know.
But what I DO know I was headed full-tilt toward SO OVER HER HERMIE ASS this week for yankin’ the chain of The Yank himself over the purported pièce de résistance of his forthcoming album.

GRRRR!

Lady Blah Blah’s ‘camp’ has been puttin’ the cold kibosh on Weird Al’s parody of ‘Born This Way’, saying bitch would have to do what no other artist has ever asked when selected as the source of some serious satire — her betterthaneveryoneelseness would have to listen to’I Perform This Way’ herself in order to give it her genetically furtive seal of approval.
So, he took a quick mo to bang out the lyrics and sent them to her team.
Their reply?

 “She actually needs to hear it. Otherwise the answer is no.”

She’s been famous for, what, like 17 minutes and 30 seconds and she pulls this shit? Ugh.

Now, keep in mind that under fair use laws, W.A.Y has the legal right to release the raunch without her rubber-stamping the song, but that’s just not how he rolls.

“Because of his own personal ethics regarding intellectual property, he won’t do it. At least, not for money. He was going to donate the income from the song to the Human Rights Campaign as it is,” a Businessinsider.com story states.

So he released the lyrics on YouTube this week … for free. As you might guess, you can just queue the Weird Al Fan Frenzy and sit back and watch what you know is coming next.

Suddenly this morning, her team’s all WOOPSIE! OUR BAD! THE SONG’S OK!

Music-mix quotes Al’s blog this morning, writing “Gaga’s manager has now admitted that he never forwarded my parody to Gaga—she had no idea at all. Even though we assumed that Gaga herself was the one making the decision (because, well, that’s what we were TOLD), he apparently made the decision completely on his own. He’s sorry. And Gaga loves the song.”

MISMANAGEMENT TOMFOOLERY!!

But the colossal dumbassery of this mess does underscore the obvious, which is that Weird Al will long outlast the Lady Caca’s, Madonna’s and other self-superior meatheads who think they ARE the music biz.

Rock on man — I’m hittin’ ‘White and Nerdy’ on the clickwheel now 🙂

April 22, 2011 at 1:05 pm

The Fuck?!


I missed it?

The second most sparkeliciously spectacular event in all of recorded history came and went this past weekend and I missed it?!

An event so perfectly plotted and preeminently purposed and which could have been, for all intents and purposes, FUCKING NAMED FOR ME — and I missed it?!?!

ACK!!!

More than 1,500 people who underfuckingSTAND got together Sunday for the first (hopefully annual ;)) “SlutWalk”.

THERE WAS A SLUTWALK — AND I FUCKING MISSED IT?!?!?

I so suck right now!
But they don’t!

Sluts from all over my new favorite city – TORONTO – wore their finest floozified frocks to got their protest on over a badge-holding idiot of über proportions who found the voice of his inner fucktard when he told a York University law class on Jan. 24 that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

Umm, looks like someone was absent the day Kelly McGillis and Jodie Foster put that shit to rest in ‘The Accused’.

But at least his departmental superiors weren’t. They reprimanded his ass and sent him packing pending ‘further training’.
::: let’s hope there’s a cattle-prod involved in that coursework :::

But enough about him.
BACK TO THE SLUTS!!!

During the two-hour, peaceful march, most participants dressed casually, others flamboyantly, with many proudly proclaiming they are “sluts.”
::: shockingly – no one was assaulted! Whatcha make o’ THAT?! :::

Protest co-founder Sonya Barnett delivered TRUTH when she told the crowd that victims are “never at fault” and that “Slut shaming needs to be addressed.”

Hell to the yeah, bitc … err, slut!

Just do me a solid and slip me the 411 on our club meeting a little earlier next year, will ya?
I already know what I’m wearing!!!!!

SOURCE

April 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm 1 comment

LOL in 3 … 2 …


Jon Lajoie – search him (Everyday Normal Guy) on YouTube – his shit is awesome!!

Thanks GEG!!!

April 1, 2011 at 10:33 am 1 comment

Best Journo Want Ad EVER!


If I were interested in getting back into the *wheeze* *sputter* *cough* DYING world of newspapery, I would seriously consider working for this guy!!
Awesome ad in 3 … 2 …

We want to add some talent to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune investigative team. Every serious candidate should have a proven track record of conceiving, reporting and writing stellar investigative pieces that provoke change. However, our ideal candidate has also cursed out an editor, had spokespeople hang up on them in anger and threatened to resign at least once because some fool wanted to screw around with their perfect lede.

We do a mix of quick hit investigative work when events call for it and mini-projects that might run for a few days. But every year we like to put together a project way too ambitious for a paper our size because we dream that one day Walt Bogdanich will have to say: “I can’t believe the Sarasota Whatever-Tribune cost me my 20th Pulitzer.” As many of you already know, those kinds of projects can be hellish, soul-sucking, doubt-inducing affairs. But if you’re the type of sicko who likes holing up in a tiny, closed office with reporters of questionable hygiene to build databases from scratch by hand-entering thousands of pages of documents to take on powerful people and institutions that wish you were dead, all for the glorious reward of having readers pick up the paper and glance at your potential prize-winning epic as they flip their way to the Jumble… well, if that sounds like journalism Heaven, then you’re our kind of sicko.

For those unaware of Florida’s reputation, it’s arguably the best news state in the country and not just because of the great public records laws. We have all kinds of corruption, violence and scumbaggery. The 9/11 terrorists trained here. Bush read My Pet Goat here. Our elections are colossal clusterfucks. Our new governor once ran a health care company that got hit with a record fine because of rampant Medicare fraud. We have hurricanes, wildfires, tar balls, bedbugs, diseased citrus trees and an entire town overrun by giant roaches (only one of those things is made up). And we have Disney World and beaches, so bring the whole family.
Send questions, or a resume/cover letter/links to clips to my email address below. If you already have your dream job, please pass this along to someone whose skills you covet. Thanks.

Matthew Doig
Sarasota Herald-Tribune
1741 Main St.
Sarasota FL, 34236
(941) 361-4903
matthew.doig@heraldtribune.com

SOURCE

March 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm 5 comments

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