Posts filed under ‘actors’

Best Actress – EVER!


Take a hike Katharine Hepburn!
Elizabeth Taylor and Bette Davis? BORING!!
And forget you Jane Fonda and Jodie Foster!!!

Step aside ladies – and take note all of you little gold statue awarders – because there exists an actress of such singular accomplishment that no other can possibly even be considered for the ultimate acting accolade this Sunday.

OH YES THERE IS!

And she recently delivered a performance so riveting, so compelling, so crazy wicked amazing that it puts to SHAME every other winner of every other Oscar in the 83-year history of the presentation of the prize!

TO SHAME, I SAY!!!

Meet Patricia Hastie. ——->
Patricia recently played Elizabeth King in movie ‘The Descendants’.
Elizabeth King is married to Matt King.
Matt King is played by George Clooney.

Now, I’m not going to go all ‘spoiler’ on you or anything in case you, like Elizabeth King, have been in a coma or somesuch and are walkin’ around all oblivious to shit — but let’s nutshell this bitch and suffice it to say it turns out Lizzy’s just a big ol’ ho-bag who’s been having secret sexy times with someone who’s initials are NOT HER HUSBAND MATT and poor Matt was none the wiser until Lizzy bumped her big ol’ ho-bag head in a jet-ski race and basically cut the legs out from under her entire family’s not-so-normal life.

But playing a comatose ho-bag is not what makes Patricia worthy of serious Best Actress EVER snaps.

Playing a comatose ho-bag who lies motionless, expressionless … COMATOSE … NOT EFFING RECIPROCATING … while George Clooney plants his pucker all up on her comastose ho-bag lips is what make her the BEST ACTRESS EVER!

It does not get more METHOD, people!

She had to dig REALLY deep – give the hand, the side-eye and a very Sahar-worthy lip curl to her very own emotional core to pull that off!

She had to travel to that place where basic human instinct takes over and naturally COMMANDS you to open wide and make sweet, sweet love to George’s tonsils with your tongue for no less than 90 consecutive seconds!

Patricia Hastie scaled the heights of acting theory, came back and delivered nothing short of acting MAGIC!!

She is a MASTER THESPIAN!!!

She is the BEST ACTRESS EVER!!!!

Oh hell, who am I kidding.

That scene alone makes that her the Best Actress OF ALL TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE KNOW UNIVERSE AND ALL GALAXIES EVER CREATED …

EVER!!!!

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February 24, 2012 at 8:24 pm 2 comments

NOOooooooooooo!


I may have to say farewell to love for my (other) boo … my comedic counsel … my satirical soul-mate … ‘cuz he has brought the WRONG, y’all!!

My hopefullyhecanredeemhimselfbecasueIdon’twanttosaygoodbyetomy Ihopenotsoontobeformerlove Katt Williams was supposed to bring the hee hee during a performance in Phoenix last weekend but instead he just brought the ‘Oh HAYULL NAW!’

Because he went there.
Because Tracey Morgan’d himself and that, my friends, is a taint you almost can’t terminate.

During his show, the Pimp Chronicler singled out a man seated near the stage and asked him if he was Mexican.
::: ruh roh :::

“It appears to me y’all like it over here a lot,” Williams then said.
::: here we go :::

Cue the tirade in 3 … 2 …

“If y’all had California, and you loved it, you shouldn’t have gave that motherfucker up! You should have fought for California, goddamn it! Since you loved it.”

The audience member then stood up and said “This is Mexico, motherfucker!” to which Williams replied by turning in his direction, stomping his foot and responding “You think I’m dissing Mexico and I’m defending America. Do you know where Mexico is? No, this ain’t Mexico, it used to be Mexico, motherfucker, and now it’s Phoenix, goddammit. USA! USA!”

Now, kiddies, this is the part where I don’t have to tell you that this heated little exchange headed straight for the land of NOT GOOD with no detours, pit stops or bathroom breaks … because it did.

Because NOT GOOD is disparaging another person’s culture and heritage and should never be confused with defending your own.
Because it’s not.

After singing a bit of the national anthem — which Williams apparently either doesn’t realize or doesn’t care was written by slave-owner Francis Scott Key — he exploded with “Fuck, we were slaves, bitch! Y’all just work like that at the landscapers, motherfucker! It’s not even racial, you’re a bitch!”

Except that, well, I love you Katt, but let’s put it out there, ‘kay hon?
It was racial.
And it was undeserved.
Which makes it, like, you know — wrong ‘n stuff.

It wasn’t ‘edgy comedy’.
It was ignorance and undeserved mean-spiritedness toward someone else on the sole basis of ethnicity.
Which — stay with me here — makes it racial.
Which also like, you know — makes it wrong ‘n stuff.

Outrage over the incident has roundly risen everywhere, including the national Latino advocacy group Presente.org, which petitioned for — and seems to have perhaps, maybe, on some level received — an apology.

A very dry white toast, probably publicist-penned apology, that is.

“My remarks were not meant to be offensive. I want to apologize if my comedy act was taken out of context. I sincerely appreciate my fans within the Mexican community and would never intentionally go out of my way to offend them.”

Not exactly dripping with sincerity there.
Just sayin’.

Katt, baby, if history is any guide toward the future – we’ll see if you do sincerely appreciate your fans — from all communities.
Or if you just appreciate their money.

I know which one I hope it is.

September 1, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Look no further. This is the one. Right here.


BEHOLD!!!!!

The Photoshop Award Winner for July 2011 New Millennium ALWAYS AND FOREVER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY AND BEYOND – LIZA!

No, do not look away.
Drink this bitch IN!

Because she’s spreadin’ her legs, flippin’ off Mutha Naytchuh and channeling her inner ‘Chicaco’ in a photoshoot that underscores, CAPITALIZES and puts in bold type  that this is the kind of perfectly polished and preserved perfection you can only achieve through a life well lived spatula pan-cake application, a gallon of black hair dye, eye Sharpie and about two weeks of Photoshop touchup.

Because it is.

Only not for some folks suckups on the interwebs who are losing their gat damned MINDS over the S&M-y pics Terry Richardson shot of the sexxxagenarian for LOVE. They’re gettin’their gush on, goin’ all “she looks pretty freaking amazing here” and “Liza has still got it” and “WOW, Liza Minnelli looks amazing” and so on and suchlike.

And they’re right.
Sort of.

The pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.
The very super ultra digitally doctored pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.

And they do.
Because they are.

Because bitch looked like this in March:

Now, I give props to Liza. I really do.
She’s accomplished, she’s renown, she’s got nice veneers.

And I want good things for her.
Her health, her happiness, her honoring us with continued performance excellence.

But her hotness?
I do not want Liza bringin’ the hotness.

Not now. Not ever.

Because she can’t.
Because she isn’t.

So get rid of the diffused light sources, back away from the Wrap Tool and don’t even think of clicking the healing brushes.
Let Liza be the old and imperfect but perfectly talented old trick she is — chins, belly and all.

We can take it.

August 5, 2011 at 12:12 am 3 comments

Oooo! Oooo! I know! I know!


Kim Kardashian’s wedding dress?

What do I win, Johnny?!? 😉

June 23, 2011 at 11:04 pm 3 comments

#Winning


Charlie Sheen needs to put down the webcam, grab a Steno pad and take notes from THE MASTA!

Actually, we should all bow down before the greatness, The Glory, THE POWER that is Belinda Masta —–>

THE MASTA doesn’t need to be put in a ‘Korner’ or unleash decades worth of whackassery via lame rooftop machete rant to get her point across.

Hell no!

Because who needs silly props when you can kick it CUSPID-style!

Pissed off at:
A. Whoever did that shit to her hair
B. Snickers
C. The Man in the Moon
D. Her shoelaces
::: take your pick – I doubt there are really any wrong answers there :::

THE MASTA knew the only way to fly her freak flag as high as it could possibly go was to mix a few thousand gin and tonics with more than a dash of fucknuttery, tear a bunch of her own teeth out of her own head with her own bare hands and strip all 200 + pounds of her she-meat down to 100% pure naked before pelting random passers-by with rocks and calling them a bunch of words that all probably started with some variation of ‘Fuck’.

Otherwise, that’s just your average boring-ass mid-week name-calling and we’d all be asking ‘Where’s the win in that?!’

Take notes, Warlock!

SOURCE

March 8, 2011 at 4:19 pm 2 comments

No


GoDaddy go to your room!

And STAY THERE until you and your #2 pencil can score at least a D- on your next Super Bowl Advertising Etiquette 101 exam without the obvious Photoshop trickery you sickasses perpatrated on my innocent ocular cavities this time.

I ain’t havin’ it, bitches!
I have graded your latest, uhh, attempt as a pitifully lame mockery of the SESSAY the world has come to expect from you!

Seriously.
A 77-year-old?
What were you thinking?!

Did the shock of the not really shocking reality that there is not now, nor has their ever been, the smidgiest bit of beef in your Taco Bell Enchirito deliver the ‘thenwhatthehellhaveIbeeneating’ so hard you hit your head on the coffee table on your way out of consciousness before the cameras started rolling?


That’s got to be it.
Tell me that’s it!
Because if that’s not it, there is just ZERO excuse for this unholy meemaw MESSINESS!

Even if you plunged that bag o’ sag in Crisco, infused her with the sweet, untouched nectar and promise of a thousand pre-pubescent girls and drown her old ass in hyperbaric oxygen therapy for as long as all of her surgical warranties combined – this look ————————————–>
 is not achieved.

Just a big DO NOT WANT sandwich any way you slice that synthetic septuagenarian’s surgically-altered and permanently-pickled parts.
SEXY ULTRA FAIL!

Like flyng pink unicorns, an actual Sarah Palin intelligence quotient or lasting peace in the Middle East – some things just aren’t.
Joan Rivers’ sex appeal = AREN’T TO INFINITY!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to start drinking very, Very, VERY heavily figure out how to forget I ever saw this shit!

February 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm 7 comments

Calming Breaths …


The fuck, y’all?!?

Can’t a bitch spend three weeks ringing in the most fabulous of decidedly deserved and universally understood AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION new year without you gettin’ all ‘liar liar pants on fire, where’s our fucking cookie’ on her ass?!
::: way harsh, btw :::

No?

Ok.

But only because I lurve yuhz and because I did promise.

And just like a Ted Williams sobiriety pact, my promises are … uh, well, technically they’re actually just a bunch of consonants and some syllables and at times a smattering of punctuation strung together primarily for my own amusement … BUT NO MORE!

And not just because my promise was made before the most historically significant event in the history of all mankind (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) and, consequently, before The Cookie realized she actually has an alcohol tolerance level.
::: who knew, right? :::

No.
Because this isn’t just a new day or a new year – hell no.

THIS is a new ERA, people!!!!
::: That’s right. I said it. And I used a series of exclamation points for maximum intensity! Feel that shit!!! :::

January 10, 2011 ushered in a magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) never before witnessed in the whole and entirety of the collective time yours truly’s been carbon footprinting all over this rock we call home!!

Ed. Note: Auburn is also the 1957 National College Football Champion — before my time — but still off the charts on the scale of outstanding awesomeness.

But what does this mean to you, you selfish little bastards?

Only EVERYFUCKINGTHING is all!!!!

This magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events could potentially deliver the most amazing experiences and occurrences!

Think of the possibilities!!!

What if that mole isn’t cancer?
::: YAY! :::
What if the Rogaine® actually works this time?!
::: Can’t hurt to hope :::
What if we ALL can possibly just maybe really lose that last 10 pounds?!?
::: Mmm’okay, prolly not :::
OMG! WHAT IF TARA REID WINS AN OSCAR?!?!?
::: Woops, sorry — putting down the pipe … :::

But you get my point.

My beloved Auburn Tigers are now known the world over as the most perfect example of shining excellence and outstanding ability ever to grace humanity … and so, by extention, are you delicious Cookie Crumblies!

Now get off my ass!!
::: the stress is killing my buzz :::

XOXO 😉

January 25, 2011 at 4:08 pm 9 comments

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