Archive for August, 2011

The science is IN!

And if it’s true — I’m gonna live to be a BILLION – YAY!!!

According to research that was published just this very week in the hottest of hot reads — the Journal of the American Geriatric Society — haulin’ your hot cross buns into super-duper old age is determined by your genes, not your lifestyle.

::: DNA: 1 / Tofu: 0 :::

Professor Nir Barzilai is director of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine’s Institute of Ageing Research, which is a really long title comprised of a bunch of letters that — when put together in an orderly fashion — sound out to a bunch of words that mean he’s smarter than you so shut your hole and listen up!

“In previous studies of our centenarians, we’ve identified gene variants that exert particular physiology effects, such as causing significantly elevated levels of HDL or ‘good’ cholesterol,” he said.

He explained that new research provides evidence that these and other “longevity genes” provide a buffer to the people who have them against the harmful effects of an unhealthy lifestyle.

Almost 500 people between 95 and 109 were studied and compared to more than 3,000 others born during the same period. The studiers found that the study-ees who were, like, hella old ‘n stuff ate just as shitty, drank (wheeeeeePINOT!) and smoked just as much, exercised just as little and were just as likely to be overweight as their long-gone friends.


The first woman Barzilai researchified was some 109-year-old trick who told him she had smoked 40 cigarettes a day for 90 years.
::: DAYUM!!! :::

While most people would have died of lung cancer or heart disease, he said, she wheezed sputtered coughed soldiered on.

So the puffy stuff is clear, fine. Whatever.

It’s the hooch I need hard data on.

And so, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be heading out now to continue investigative tactics of an exploratory nature to validate the long-term health benefits of alcohol consumption.

And I’m prepared to commit to my research full-time, if need be.


August 5, 2011 at 5:47 pm 1 comment

Look no further. This is the one. Right here.


The Photoshop Award Winner for July 2011 New Millennium ALWAYS AND FOREVER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY AND BEYOND – LIZA!

No, do not look away.
Drink this bitch IN!

Because she’s spreadin’ her legs, flippin’ off Mutha Naytchuh and channeling her inner ‘Chicaco’ in a photoshoot that underscores, CAPITALIZES and puts in bold type  that this is the kind of perfectly polished and preserved perfection you can only achieve through a life well lived spatula pan-cake application, a gallon of black hair dye, eye Sharpie and about two weeks of Photoshop touchup.

Because it is.

Only not for some folks suckups on the interwebs who are losing their gat damned MINDS over the S&M-y pics Terry Richardson shot of the sexxxagenarian for LOVE. They’re gettin’their gush on, goin’ all “she looks pretty freaking amazing here” and “Liza has still got it” and “WOW, Liza Minnelli looks amazing” and so on and suchlike.

And they’re right.
Sort of.

The pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.
The very super ultra digitally doctored pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.

And they do.
Because they are.

Because bitch looked like this in March:

Now, I give props to Liza. I really do.
She’s accomplished, she’s renown, she’s got nice veneers.

And I want good things for her.
Her health, her happiness, her honoring us with continued performance excellence.

But her hotness?
I do not want Liza bringin’ the hotness.

Not now. Not ever.

Because she can’t.
Because she isn’t.

So get rid of the diffused light sources, back away from the Wrap Tool and don’t even think of clicking the healing brushes.
Let Liza be the old and imperfect but perfectly talented old trick she is — chins, belly and all.

We can take it.

August 5, 2011 at 12:12 am 3 comments

Topps: Putting the F-U in snafu since … well, today

Topps hits bottom, but the dumbfuckery is all around if mah (other, other) boo didn’t check this shit before slapping his John Hancock on it.

But hey, can you say Collector$$ Item?
Ye$$$, of cour$se you can 😉


August 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm 1 comment

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