The science is IN!
And if it’s true — I’m gonna live to be a BILLION – YAY!!!
According to research that was published just this very week in the hottest of hot reads — the Journal of the American Geriatric Society — haulin’ your hot cross buns into super-duper old age is determined by your genes, not your lifestyle.
::: DNA: 1 / Tofu: 0 :::
Professor Nir Barzilai is director of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine’s Institute of Ageing Research, which is a really long title comprised of a bunch of letters that — when put together in an orderly fashion — sound out to a bunch of words that mean he’s smarter than you so shut your hole and listen up!
“In previous studies of our centenarians, we’ve identified gene variants that exert particular physiology effects, such as causing significantly elevated levels of HDL or ‘good’ cholesterol,” he said.
He explained that new research provides evidence that these and other “longevity genes” provide a buffer to the people who have them against the harmful effects of an unhealthy lifestyle.
Almost 500 people between 95 and 109 were studied and compared to more than 3,000 others born during the same period. The studiers found that the study-ees who were, like, hella old ‘n stuff ate just as shitty, drank (wheeeeeePINOT!) and smoked just as much, exercised just as little and were just as likely to be overweight as their long-gone friends.
SUCKIT HEALTH FREAKS!!!
The first woman Barzilai researchified was some 109-year-old trick who told him she had smoked 40 cigarettes a day for 90 years.
::: DAYUM!!! :::
While most people would have died of lung cancer or heart disease, he said, she
wheezed sputtered coughed soldiered on.
So the puffy stuff is clear, fine. Whatever.
It’s the hooch I need hard data on.
And so, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be heading out now to continue investigative tactics of an exploratory nature to validate the long-term health benefits of alcohol consumption.
And I’m prepared to commit to my research full-time, if need be.