Archive for July, 2011

THIS INJUSTICE SHALL NOT STAND!!!


No no – not that skankbag Casey Anthony. I’m 20 kinds of done with that trick.

I’m talking about a REAL injustice that affects us all some of us a few of us me!

A New York pet store is gettin’ all ‘not up in here!’ on hooch hounds who want to handle or purchase a pup.

THE NERVE!

“I feel like they always come in drunk,” said Fernanda Moritz, the manager of Le Petit Puppy at 18 Christopher St., which is located near several bars.

Moritz said many of her would-be customers stop in after Happy Hour around 6 p.m. so she’s countering that action with what I like to call Dour Hour where a bitch can’t buy or even HOLD a bitch if she’s had even a bit of boozy goodness.

OUTRAGE!!!

“They come from there and say ‘let’s stop by to see the puppies,'” said Moritz. 

PUPPEEEEZ!!!!!

No, but it’s serious.
So super-serious a situation it is that even Christopher Street’s Citipups forbids saucified shoppers from purchasing puppies.

EPIDEMIC!!!

LPP’s proprietor said she sold a Chihuahua some years ago to a woman she thought might have been drunk, only to have the dog returned the next day — in a near-dead state. “We took it to the vet and he found five pills in the dog’s stomach,” she said. “It almost overdosed.”

Amy Winehouse bought a dog?!

Note to PETA: The Chihuahua’s stomach was pumped, and it survived.

And this is where I would normally signal the winos of the world to UNITE and fight this horrible injustice because it’s a potentially very slippery slope — a possible lightning-speed downhill freefall from puppies to pants to pumps to pretty sparkly shininess or any of the many wondrous things I’ve been known to purchase when plastered.

And this is where I’d typically cue a fantastic freakout after the repulsive reality of having to be respectable in public (blech!), heel-toe stride capable (ptooey!!) and generally just run my shit a whole new way slapped me in the face like the cold, cold water Mr. Cookie has to sometimes employ to rouse this ho after an evening of firewater-fueled fun.

But I can’t.
Because this is bigger than me.
I realize that now.

So, yeah, ok.
Thinking it through … you know, maybe, perhaps, just possibly I could be persuaded to put down the Pinot …
… you know, for the puppies ‘n all …

‘Cuz I’m a hero like that.

July 6, 2011 at 1:52 pm 5 comments

So … well, uh … that happened …


Bored over the long holiday weekend, The Universe got out the old mounted globe, played Pick A Spot, landed on Parish, New York and opened a ginormous can of IRONY on 55-year-old Philip Contos.

The Harley-head was determined to show that the government had no right to make him wear a helmet while riding his motorcycle, regardless of the consequences.

And boy, did he show them. 😦

Participating in a ride supported by ABATE (American Bikers Aimed for Education), to protest New York’s mandatory helmet law, Contos hit his brakes and was thrown from his bike.
His head struck the pavement, causing a fatal skull fracture.

We have reached the point, kiddies, where I know I don’t have to tell you that officials said his death would have been prevented had Contos been wearing a helmet.

Nope. I don’t have to tell you that.
And no one had to tell that to Contos, either.

His brother, Richard Contos, said ol’ Phil’d do it again … if he could.
“He would have wanted it that way. … He protested everything.”

Not anymore he doesn’t.

And that makes me sad, because anyone who trolls this waste of space I call LIAC knows I amm all about the nuh uh!
‘Cept I gotta call an ultra NUH UH on this one.

I don’t know Phillip Contos, but I do know he chucked a BIG OL’ deuce to any future demonstrations … or family functions … or holiday memories … or delicious cheesburgery goodness … or happy sexy times with that special someone … or ANYTHING … by dying for this cause.
Which also makes me sad because it’s bullhead stupid.

Shuddit, Mr. ITHOUGHTYOUWEREABLEEDINGHEARTLIBERALFUCKINGHYPOCRITEWHORE. Just shuddit, ‘kay toots?

I almost need a cotton-padded chest cavity my pinko-commie liberal heart bleeds so heavily for free choice (yeah!), free speech (Yeah!!), free love (HELL TO THE YEAH!!!), but even I know there are limits.
::: I am my mother! :O :::

And I can lay this truth upon you today because I have a brain still firmly encased in osseous matter.
::: PULSERIFICALLY PRIMO! :::

Yup, it is 100% redwhiteandblue appliepiebaseballmom AMERICAN to take your peeves public.

Protesting is patriotic!
Protesting can be positive and downright pleasureable!!
Hell, I want channel my inner Phil Ochs, raise a fist and rally for a cause RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

And I can.
Because I am still an animate object.

Feeling the wind in your hair?
I feel that!
Open-aired exhilaration?
I’m down!
Living to ride another day?
LIKES IT!

Seriously guys? Resist that retarded urge to be a law maker.
Take Ron White’s advice and just ‘put on the fucking helmet’ already.

July 5, 2011 at 2:29 pm 4 comments

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