Archive for May, 2010
Republican Mark Souder (that undeniable hot piece from Indiana) is resigning today because he was caught having naughty sexy times with a part-time staffer.
Enjoy this clip of him being interviewed by said staffer about why we need abstinence education.
gooOOOOOO FAMILY VALUES!!
Admit it — these bitches are BADASS!!
Ever had one of those moments you wish you could rewind and go back to before it ever happened and do the one crucial thing that didn’t happen in the first place to prevent it from actually happening?
I had one of those this morning.
Mr. Cookie and I have a routine on some Saturdays where we end up at the beach the very first thing in the morning. It’s a nice way to start the day — especially for people like me who (for the past several months) simply cannot sleep.
Well, usually it’s relaxing.
This time it wasn’t.
This time I saw two people die at the beach.
An older couple – Barbara Agelatos, 57, and Denis Agelatos, 70 – from Albany, Georgia drowned in an unguarded area of a local public beach — caught in rough surf and dangerous rip currents they couldn’t escape.
It’s just a sobering thing to witness – even from too far away to really know what’s happening … but let’s be honest, you know what’s happening.
I wish I could go back to the moments just before they walked into that water. I wish I could have been there to caution them against wading into that water. I wish anyone had.
I keep thinking about the Agelatos in that water together. In trouble in that water together. Trying to help each other out of trouble in that water. And knowing that water was winning.
I keep thinking about their family and hoping they are able to find some peace in this saddest of situations … but let’s be honest, they probably won’t for some time yet.
I think about the two men who worked tirelessly to help them until more help and the police and paramedics arrived … and I hope those two men know how amazing they are for doing all they could just in an impossible situation.
I think that’s all I have for today …
I work a lot.
And (like it’s a big secret here at LIAC?!) lately I am working more than ever.
I say I don’t mind.
It’s not long-term.
But I kind of mind.
And Mr. Cookie REALLY minds.
For all of the good reasons you’re already thinking.
According to a new study, I’m screwed.
See, a bunch of big brains over at the Finnish Institute of Occupational Health and University College London pooled their gray matter to do some serious CSI-type researchification on the long-term damage being overworked can do.
It was no great revelation that being overworked is bad for you.
That’s the kind of 2+2 shit I can work out in my own head.
What was just the teensiest smidge of uh oh was reading that people (like me) who work more than 10 hours a day (HAHAHAHA – only TEN? Fucking lightweights!) are about 60% more likely to develop heart disease or have a heart attack than people who clock just seven hours a day.
I am so screwed!
The study followed more than 6,000 British civil servants with no history of heart disease for an average of 11 years.
During the study, a total of 369 people had heart attacks (some of them fatal) or were diagnosed with heart disease after seeking medical attention for chest pain.
I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED!!
Fuckitalltohellandback … now I need a drink … and I’d HAVE one too … if I wasn’t at work …
Throughout the year — every year — things happen that let you know exactly where you are chronologically.
You don’t even have to ask.
You need only look and you know!
When the sea of pastel stretches as far as the eye can see – Easter cannot be far behind.
When I’m accosted by little girls dressed in green begging me to buy Shortbreads and Do-si-dos on my way into Publix — I know the annual monthlong child-labor church/school/community/other ‘let’s make a deal’ extravaganza has only just begun.
When I see anything made of red felt cloth with white bushy anything around it — or holly, holly’s a dead giveaway — I know it’s July or August and retailers are working their ‘great value’ voo-doo to separate me from my Christmas cash before I can even say LABOR DAY!
And when I behold The Magnificent Pile — I know the beginning of Hurricane Season is scant days away.
And lo and behold – The Magnificent Pile appeared before me this very day!
Actually – I spotted many such piles in my neighborhood but none are EVER as glorious, as spectatular a sight, as magical an ocular indulgence as The Magnificent Pile my neighbor assembles every year!
Palm fronds, coconuts, bouganvilla and hibiscus!
Overgrowth, mulch, moldy cypress chips and dead shrubbery!!
::: And citrus! Because we know how much rats loooove citrus!!! :::
The Magnificent Pile knows no bounds!
She welcomes all comers to decompose en masse in 100-degree weather atop the biggest storm drain in the cul-de-sac.
Afternoon spring rains be damned!
The Magnificent Pile will not be deterred.
There is no great gardening need for my neighbor for six whole months!
The probability of Mother Nature’s pissiosity devastating the dwelling my neighbor so loves is nothing more than a harmful thought for six whole months!!
The likelihood of my neighbor losing insurance is a joke for six whole months!!!
That’s party time in SoFla, bitches!
No need for my neighbor to cut, snip, trim or rake for six whole months!
That’s just how he likes to we roll.
Until sometime before June 1 … when The Magnificent Pile appears like an angel of the Lord to let everyone know that the time of the impending and unforeseen is upon us and he we must clean and cull his our vegetative waste with all due haste …
… or fear a sequel to the weather war that was 2004!
Three weeks and counting …
Someone asked me recently if I had a ‘little trick’ to keep myself positive during tough times.
I do … and it’s not just booze what you think.
It’s Jesus Kitty.
Jesus Kitty is my salvation.
Jesus Kitty brings me peace.
Jesus Kitty makes me want to be a better person.
Behold the true prophet of the universe and drink in his wondrous glory, bitches!!
In a world of CATastrophic stupidity, massive oil spills, terror scares, earthquakes, floods, senseless violence and other shit that ain’t right — I’m glad to know I can count on Jesus Kitty to be there for me, to watch over me and guide me to the path of righteousness and light.
And now you can be too …
Don’t say I never do anything for you people!
Cat person or not — crap like this should make you want to immediately stop whatever you’re doing and go coin-diggin’ in the car or couch so you can start a collection or host a telethon or some shit to help these heinous humans BUY A GODDAMNED CLUE!!!!!
Meet the Eskew family of Port St. Lucie, Florida: Jackbag James, Shithead Sheila and Jessica, their dumbass daughter.
These evolutionary-scale throwbacks were arrested on animal cruelty charges after they decided it would be just a big ol’ slice of HELL YEAH to pack up everything for their pending move to North Cackalackee.
And by ‘pack up everything‘ I mean force more than 20 of their furry friends into wooden boxes coffins, nail the lids closed and dump ’em in the neighbor’s yard.
Now — animal cruelty charges are all find and good (actually — it’s the LEAST that should happen to these sick tricks) but I think this troublesome trio should also be charged with whatever criminal thingamabob, trip to detention or mark on their permanent records goes along with depriving the larger community of what couldda been catastically comical!
CURSE YOU CAT-HATERS!
I mean, have they never had the pleasure of the LOLCATS pussies?
Are they not hip to the trip that is a YouTube kitty vid?
Get with the program inbreeders!
Don’t make me invoke the spirit of Beethoven and come after your retarded asses!!