Why Cleveland, WHY?!

March 8, 2010 at 11:01 am 4 comments


Are there truly no more great ideas?
Have all the creative PR stunts been tried?
Is atoricity the new aim?

Frealz, Cleveland!
You have a golden opportunity to do something great, to be legendary, to make history … and you go with The Fuggie?!?

But you did — at Snuggie Night at The Q on Friday, where every person who walked into Quicken Loans Arena received a free maroon Fuggie to create a new Guinness World Record for most fleece blankets of one color in one place: 20,562.

At least one Detroit fan brought his own blue fug rug with the Pistons logo on it, while a few Fuggie haters HEROES refused to participate and sat defiantly in what I am absolutely positive were the most awesomely amazing street clothes ever worn by any person in the history of mankind. EVER!

Guinness adjudicator Danny Girton verified the new fleece blanket record in the first quarter, and praised the Cavaliers’ original idea dumbass fuckery.

“Anybody, anywhere at any time can attempt a Guinness World Record at any time and become a world hero in their own right,” Girton said.

Yes – they can!
And there are a LOT better records out there than outfitting yourselves in the most awfult ensemble in the known universe, Clevelanders!!!

Like Radhakant Bajpai of Naya Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India who the gods blessed with the longest, most lavish ear hair!
<— Look at that hotness!
C’mon guys – you’re CLEVELAND, for crying out loud! Surely there’s some mullethead in your midst who can top that?!

Or Gary Stewart who rode the clouds and created a legacy when he claimed the record for the longest pogo jumping record in all of the entire earthly realm!!
You guys can’t find some clodhopper west of the Cuyahoga jump rope or blow bubbles for a couple of days?!

And France’s own (now dead but for other reasons) Michel Lotito, who holds the coveted Guinness record for weirdest diet for eating nothing but metal and glass from 1959 until his death in 2007. Since 1966, dude ate 18 bicycles, 15 grocery carts, seven TV sets, six chandeliers, two beds, a pair of skis, a low-calorie Cessna light aircraft and a computer.
He is said to have provided the only example in history of a coffin (handles and all) ending up inside a man. By October 1997, he had eaten nearly nine tons of metal!!!

Metal Health’ll cure your crazy
Metal Health’ll cure your mad
Metal Health is what we all need
It’s what you have to have

Oh yeah, Clevelanders!
That mangia may not be as tasty as pierogis or Polish Boys but ya gotta admit THAT’S the kind of go gettery that earns you the kind of universal adulation befitting a Guinness title!!!

Or this one. 😉

But a multithousand menagerie of misfits masquerading as men (women and children) of action when all they did was get snugged up in a fug rug just 100% totally misses the mark of true merit in my book.

Eh, but kudos or nice try or whatever and all.

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How ’bout no? Updating your political dictionary

4 Comments

  • 1. Ric  |  March 10, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Twenty-three of those people were having sex in their Snuggie/Fuggie. Betcha didn’t know that!

    I always wondered what happened to Metal Guy. He didn’t rust to death, did he?

  • 2. thecookie  |  March 10, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    I DID NOT NEED THAT MENTAL PICTURE, RIC!!!!

  • 3. Ric  |  March 10, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    Well, okay, I’ll see if I can find a video.

  • 4. lifeisacookie  |  March 10, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    Oh god, please no 😉

    Youtube nightmares 4EVAR!


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