Archive for November, 2009

Put the brakes on breakfast, bitches!


The pancakes are pleased and the muffins amused but you can bet your sweet ass the ankle-biters in your abode are gonna be 12 shades of WAAAHHHHHHH when they find out about the nationwide waffle shortage.

!!!!!Ā WAAAHHHHHHHFLE SHORTAGE !!!!!

That’s right, ‘rents – it’s time to push the panic button!
::: oh noes!!!!! :::

The Kellogg Company announced the awfulness and blamed the batter cake blight on “a confluence of events” — including Listeria monocytogenes [Mmmm Mmmm good!] that forced its Atlanta manufacturing plant to be shuttered for some serious sanitizing and then wouldnchajustnkowit – freak flooding at the same facility just as they were ready to resume production. šŸ˜¦
::: timing is everything :::

Kellogg flak Kris Charles conceded, “Flooding at our Atlanta facility as well as equipment issues necessitating extensive enhancements and repairs at our largest waffle bakery facility.”

Oh, but it’s ok.
I’m sure they’re on it.
I’m sure they have a plan!
I’m sure they wouldn’t just wing it when it comes to a full-scale waffle washout!

“We are working around the clock to restore Eggo store inventories to normal levels as quickly as possible,” Charles said in crystal clear industry insider codespeak which, loosely translated, means ‘the chances of Joe Consumer gettin’ those griddle goodies at his local grocery are about the same as Palin getting a Pulitzer’.
::: Hi Slim! Meet NONE! :::

Hmmm … maybe it’s time to crack open that container of Kashi?
… just sayin’ …

SOURCE

November 19, 2009 at 11:05 am 3 comments

WORD!


Unfriend.

Unfriend?!

UNFREAKIN’FRIEND?!?!?

Frealz — that trick was trotted out as the New Oxford American Dictionary’s vaunted ‘Word of the Year’!

I DEMAND A RECOUNT!!!!!

Each year Oxford University Press tracks how the English language is changing and chooses a word that best reflects the mood of the year … except that word is so last year!

Oxford lexicographer Christine Lindberg defended the dumbass decision by blah blah-ing something about ‘unfriend’ having “real lex appeal” or some shit.
::: WUT-EVAR! :::

I mean, ok, sure. I think we can all count our blessings that they didn’t go with the absolutely wretch-worthy ‘staycation’ — but ‘unfriend’ as the word that best represents the mood of the year?!?

Not so much!
It was out the day the entire country basically ‘unfriended’ the Texas Twit and his gang.

It is so over! How could they not know that?!?
And – more to the point – how could they overlook the unlimited oodles of absolutely awesome utterings here at LIAC?!?

I DEMAND AN INVESTIGATION!!!!!

They missed my many, many, multitudinous, multifaceted missives on ‘scientifical researchification’!

They patently pushed precious Ponchita’s ‘Hilariosity’ straight into the path of NOT HAPPENING and gave an absolute ‘uh uh’ to my admirably obnoxious and overzealous use of everything ‘asshat’!
::: TENFOLD FUCKERY!!! :::

No one — and I mean NO ONE – butchers the English language like I do!
RECKONIZE!!!

But, alas – this bitch cain’t get no ‘spect, I ‘spect?!?
So this is me chuckin the deuce and cuttin’ it loose!

’till tomorrow’s irritation, that is šŸ˜‰

November 18, 2009 at 11:29 am 6 comments

Uhhh …


I, uhh, don’t even, uhh, know, uhh, how to, uhh, ‘digest?!’ this, uhh, ‘piece’ …

SOURCE

November 17, 2009 at 11:04 am 3 comments

Because …


… my beloved — if not always brilliant —Ā Auburn Tigers couldn’t seal the deal against Georgia on Saturday …
::: Horror! Awfulness!! OUTRAGE!!! :::

… my neighbor actuallyĀ — yet unbelievably — out-shouted my obnoxious ass on NFL Sunday …
::: fucking show-off :::

… my now ever-increased need for football fulfillment will NOT be achieved with tonight’s mightily muckerific Ravens-Browns matchup …
::: Brady Quinn – ’nuff said :::

Because the gridiron gods did not shine happiness and wonderment upon me this weekend, I must repeat my ‘It’s just a game. It’s just a game.’ mantra, while repairing the usual post-game property damage from the weekend andĀ turn – as I always do – to Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather to get me throughĀ these terribly trying times.

Man, I miss this show!
HEARTED IT!!!!!

November 16, 2009 at 11:02 am

United States of IOU?


California better reckonize!

That bitch has been out there behaving like a first-rate famewhore on the red carpet – totally hogging the ‘We Suck at Solvency’ spotlight! But she better step to the side because hers isn’t the only game in town anymore!

Oh ho no!

A new study by the Pew Center found that double-digit budget gaps, rising unemployment, high foreclosure rates and built-in budget constraints have brought Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, Rhode Island and Wisconsin to the precipice of joining Cali in the pageant of impovrished places pockmarking the American landscape.
::: Ten’s a crowd! :::

These states are fucked financially for basically one of three reasons:
1. They rely too heavily on one type of industry
::: diversity of DIE :::

2. They have a history of persistent budget shortfalls
::: finance FAIL :::

3. They face legal constraints that make it too hard to implement major changes, such as tax increases
::: judiciary JAM-UP :::

And it’s all a big ol’ bunch of SUCKS TO BE THEM until you realize that this mess is five slices of Serious Shit PieĀ  becauseĀ these piss-poors combine to account for more than one-third of the entire, whole and complete nation’s population and economic output.

!! STICKY SITCH ALERT !!

“Decisions these states make as they try to navigate the recession will play a role in how quickly the entire nation recovers,” one of the Pew peeps professed.

NO PRESSURE GUYS … but, uhh, could you get with the A program, so all of America doesn’t have to keep suffering?!?

Pretty please with a big ol’ stimulus check on top?

SOURCE

November 13, 2009 at 11:11 am 4 comments

Daily DUH!


World Bank President Robert Zoellick has the crucial info!
LISTEN UP!!!!!

Talking to reporters about the Ć¼berly-astronomical 10.2% U.S. unemployment rate, Mr. Braintrust blah blah’d:

“You’re going to have problems with delinquencies of credit card loans, consumer loans, people won’t be able to pay their mortgages. Some banks are going to continue to be troubled by bad loans.”

YA THINK?!?!?

Crickety cripes!
If all ya gotta do to head up the international agency tasked with floating finance to the fiscally famished is orate the ohmygodthatissofucking obvious to anyone within earshot — well you can color me qualified and sign my ass 20 kinds of UP for that shit!

Frealz!
That bitch banks more than $400,000 a year for spouting the self-explanatory?!

I want IN on that action!!!

I would love to get paid copious piles of cash to travel the world pointing out the patently perceptible, stating the ever-so simple and offering absolutely nothing in the way of intrinsic information!

I mean, it’s certainly gotta beat giving it away free like I currently do!

Now where’s that job app?!?

SOURCE

November 12, 2009 at 9:32 am 1 comment

Prepare to panic in 3 … 2 …


Don’t step out of lentil line at the shelter just yet, you bums!
There’s a brand spankin’ NEW crisis on the horizon!
::: Woo h .. oh wait. Not good … :::

NYU economist and all-around financial fiasco forecaster Nouriel Roubini
<————-
has just issued a code-red high-alert that the Federal Reserve and other money managers are fueling a massive new asset “bubble” that will someday go KAPLOW BIOTCH and steal your savings, render you blind and take away all your TP after giving you the 100-day poops.
::: poop! :::

The Roubinator says the Fed is holding short-term interest rates near zero *NO!* and investors and speculators are borrowing big bucks on the cheap *ACK!* and using them to pick up all kinds of Wall-Streety type shit like stocks, bonds, gold, oil, minerals and foreign currencies – which sounds all *GREAT!* because that means prices go up and mega money can be made which is a big ol’ slice of *SWEET!*, right?

Ya, not so much.

‘Cuz *SHOCK* it can’t last.

Eventually the Fed’ll have to raise rates, peeps’ll be panic-selling their stashes all over the gat damn place and the next big cash crash’ll come down harder than Amy Winehouse after another Blaaaaaaaaaake breakup!
::: FFFFFWOP! :::

“The Fed and other policymakers seem unaware of the monster bubble they are creating,” the economical extrasensory insists. “The longer they remain blind, the harder the markets will fall.”

RUH-ROHS!
Time to flex your beggin’ hands, hobos!

SOURCE

November 11, 2009 at 10:37 am 1 comment

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