Archive for November, 2009

I don’t blame you, Frank Zappa


As long as we’re talkin’ ’bout words’n-all, I think serious consideration should be given to liquidating the word ‘like’ from the English language.

FREALZ!

Because that bitch is as flexible as a Sarah Palin book-tour schedule, it can be used as a noun, a verb, an adverb, an adjective, a piece of punctuation, a preposition, a particle, a conjunction or interjection!
::: multitasker extaordinaire!! :::

And I’m totally down with all applications – until it comes to the punctuation, particle and conjunction part because those are peeves (in addition to whether or not – stopitstopitstopit!) that drive me seven full Mack truckloads of batshit crazy.

It is, like, SOOOOOO upsetting, you know? I mean, do you, like, get my, like, point?

Ugh.

But in all seriousness (and pay attention, ‘cuz we don’t do that often here at LIAC) – it’s got to stop.

Because, when you get right down to it, overusing the word ‘like’ is the same as faking your tan, artificially pumping your pucker (or other parts 😉 ) or bulking up your brats with boatloads of rusk, excess fibers, maltodextrine or MDM.

IT”S FILLER, FOLKS!
::: just say no :::

When their whiteness is too white, the pigment deficient think nothing of full-on fakery.
::: fake what’cha mamma gave ya! :::
When their lips (or butt, boobs or fun-time banana) aren’t exactly luscious, folks don’t think twice about some strategic surgical servicing.
::: New math: You + phony = putzling :::
And when the food industry wants to maximize profits by minimizing the merit and naturalness (yeah, I said it) of their products, they stuff their stock with whatever will lengthen its shelf-life.
::: caveat emptor, kiddies :::

Like is, like, no different.

Because people can’t think of don’t know the right words anymore – because zero significance has been placed on the enormous importance of appropriate word choice – they’ve leached onto ‘like’ and haven’t let go.

But it’s time to read a fucking dictionary, dickweeeds!.
As much as we encourage the silly and stupid, alliterative linguistic logorrhea, asshattery, fucktardeness and all things scientifical – this one we’re serious about.

Like, totally.

November 23, 2009 at 12:41 pm 31 comments

Idiots on the air


Editorial comment: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

No, but seriously – these two jackbags [nods to greeneyedgirl] prove the point: There is nothing more dangerous than an uninformed electorate.
(buying a book doesn’t mean you can read it, scooter …)

November 20, 2009 at 9:39 am

Put the brakes on breakfast, bitches!


The pancakes are pleased and the muffins amused but you can bet your sweet ass the ankle-biters in your abode are gonna be 12 shades of WAAAHHHHHHH when they find out about the nationwide waffle shortage.

!!!!! WAAAHHHHHHHFLE SHORTAGE !!!!!

That’s right, ‘rents – it’s time to push the panic button!
::: oh noes!!!!! :::

The Kellogg Company announced the awfulness and blamed the batter cake blight on “a confluence of events” — including Listeria monocytogenes [Mmmm Mmmm good!] that forced its Atlanta manufacturing plant to be shuttered for some serious sanitizing and then wouldnchajustnkowit – freak flooding at the same facility just as they were ready to resume production. 😦
::: timing is everything :::

Kellogg flak Kris Charles conceded, “Flooding at our Atlanta facility as well as equipment issues necessitating extensive enhancements and repairs at our largest waffle bakery facility.”

Oh, but it’s ok.
I’m sure they’re on it.
I’m sure they have a plan!
I’m sure they wouldn’t just wing it when it comes to a full-scale waffle washout!

“We are working around the clock to restore Eggo store inventories to normal levels as quickly as possible,” Charles said in crystal clear industry insider codespeak which, loosely translated, means ‘the chances of Joe Consumer gettin’ those griddle goodies at his local grocery are about the same as Palin getting a Pulitzer’.
::: Hi Slim! Meet NONE! :::

Hmmm … maybe it’s time to crack open that container of Kashi?
… just sayin’ …

SOURCE

November 19, 2009 at 11:05 am 3 comments

WORD!


Unfriend.

Unfriend?!

UNFREAKIN’FRIEND?!?!?

Frealz — that trick was trotted out as the New Oxford American Dictionary’s vaunted ‘Word of the Year’!

I DEMAND A RECOUNT!!!!!

Each year Oxford University Press tracks how the English language is changing and chooses a word that best reflects the mood of the year … except that word is so last year!

Oxford lexicographer Christine Lindberg defended the dumbass decision by blah blah-ing something about ‘unfriend’ having “real lex appeal” or some shit.
::: WUT-EVAR! :::

I mean, ok, sure. I think we can all count our blessings that they didn’t go with the absolutely wretch-worthy ‘staycation’ — but ‘unfriend’ as the word that best represents the mood of the year?!?

Not so much!
It was out the day the entire country basically ‘unfriended’ the Texas Twit and his gang.

It is so over! How could they not know that?!?
And – more to the point – how could they overlook the unlimited oodles of absolutely awesome utterings here at LIAC?!?

I DEMAND AN INVESTIGATION!!!!!

They missed my many, many, multitudinous, multifaceted missives on ‘scientifical researchification’!

They patently pushed precious Ponchita’s ‘Hilariosity’ straight into the path of NOT HAPPENING and gave an absolute ‘uh uh’ to my admirably obnoxious and overzealous use of everything ‘asshat’!
::: TENFOLD FUCKERY!!! :::

No one — and I mean NO ONE – butchers the English language like I do!
RECKONIZE!!!

But, alas – this bitch cain’t get no ‘spect, I ‘spect?!?
So this is me chuckin the deuce and cuttin’ it loose!

’till tomorrow’s irritation, that is 😉

November 18, 2009 at 11:29 am 6 comments

Uhhh …


I, uhh, don’t even, uhh, know, uhh, how to, uhh, ‘digest?!’ this, uhh, ‘piece’ …

SOURCE

November 17, 2009 at 11:04 am 3 comments

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