Not the cookies!!!!!!!

October 12, 2009 at 12:55 pm


Everybody panic!
The time to fear is nigh!!
The end of days has arrived!!!

Harvard, this week, revealed it has cut the cookie budget for faculty meetings and has put cooked student breafasts on the chopping block!
::: deep breaths :::

“Everyone is worried,” said Hahvahd junior George Hayward. “It could be anything next; nobody really knows.”

Pudding cups?
Ketsup packets??
Artificial sweetener???

NOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!

Oh, but even academic aristocracy aren’t immune in this New Great Depression.
::: What? You thought it was over?!? HAHAHAHAHA … no. :::

With the value of its endowment down by almost 30 percent, The big H — the world’s richest university — is being forced to learn a little ‘Breadline 101’.

University honchos have already cut and frozen positions, salaries and nobreakfastservices and now they’re getting to the meat of the matter — what students and faculty eat.

“Students generally feel that if you come to Harvard, for what you’re paying, you should probably have the right to a hot breakfast,” said senior Andrea Flores. “They want to preserve the things that are at Harvard that you can’t get anywhere else.”

McMuffin anyone?

And Harvard is not the only elite institution facing a grim financial future.
Princeton has closed one of its dining halls on Saturdays.
::: EEK! :::
And, at Stanford, the annual Mausoleum Party, a Halloween gathering at the Stanford family burial site, lost $14,000 in financing and *GASP* might be canceled.
::: HORROR :::

But those woes are nothing compared to the plight of the Harvardites, where varsity athletes are SUFFERING!
::: Shocking, I know! Harvard has an athletics program! :::

“It was a big shock,” Junior Johnny Bowman said. “Athletes were accustomed to coming back from early morning practice and getting their nutrients — a solid meal.”

Ummm helloooo?!? Bright side???
The Crimson can totally blame the food sitch for their fumblatious football program!

Gotta take it where you can get it guys …

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