Archive for June, 2009

Quick Question

Just who is in charge of Burger King’s advertising department?
Ron Jeremy?!?


She looks scared.
Personally, I don’t think she can handle it but I’m pretty sure she swallows.

June 24, 2009 at 7:58 pm 2 comments

Obvious Obviosity 101

We are a big ol’ bunch of lying fatties, America!

We say we want fast-food joints and sit-down restaurants to offer healthier choices but when it comes time to actually put our money where our giant pie holes are, we ditch all that ‘diet talk’ and go for the gut busters.

At least, according to a company which tracks restaurant menus to identify flavor, preparation, food and pricing trends and, apparently, does the occasional survey of the painfully fucking obvious.

Roughly of chowhounds quizzed by Mintel Menu Insights said they would like to see more healthy options, but only 51% order from those selections.
::: Frealz — someone needed a survey to uncover this bombshell evidence? :::

“There’s definitely a dichotomy between what people say they want and what they actually do when it comes to healthy restaurant eating,” a Mintel flak blah blah’d as some sort of a dismissive justification for our jowlitudinousness.

I’m shocked!

“Over eight in 10 adults told us it’s very or somewhat important to them to eat healthy, but when it comes to dining out, most people are really looking for taste, texture and experience.”


According to the company, the ready availability of better quality, more nutritious food wasn’t the only thing stopping us from eating better.
Oh no!
Price was also an obstruction to eating well!

Get. OUT!

Fifty-four percent of those surveyed admitted they believe it costs more to eat better.

“As cash-strapped consumers tighten their belts, they’re choosing cheap and tasty comfort food,” the survey concluded — which sounds plausible and all until you boil it down to the bottom like and reckonize that a bitch’ll befriend a biggie burger n’ fry combo over some lo-cal caca any day — New Great Depression or not!

Which make me wonder what great new revelation Mintel Menu Insights will bring us next?
That the colors used in a restaurant help determine if we’ll stay and how much we’ll spend?



June 24, 2009 at 2:51 pm

R.I.P Ed McMahon

“It’s going to be a traumatic time for everyone, there’s no doubt about that.”
— Ed McMahon

June 23, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Udderly Ridiculous

A human coathanger walks out of the house in a see-through blouse …

No, this isn’t a riddle … but it is a joke.

While you were busy siphoning gas from your neighbor’s car so you could make it to the unemployment office before the other nine thousand loiterers show up, other people were busy trying to solve real problems.

Limp nips.
::: Who knew?!? :::

This epic dilemma seemed to hit a tipping point after couture-loving international food hater Victoria Beckham was caught accidentally on purpose doing some super-serious raisin smuggling — resulting in an all-out firestorm of fake-titty frenzy!

Are they real? Are they fake? Are they fake?! Are they real? Real? Fake?! Fake!?! Real?!?

Deep breaths … sssshhhhhh … calm down.
It’s ok — it’s not a trick question. It’s Victoria Beckham.

British Titologist Dr. Riccardo Frati said, ‘In the past I’ve had patients coming to my surgery clutching pictures of celebrities like Katie Price and saying: “I’d like breasts like hers” but now there’s a chance that Mrs. Beckham’s designer nipples could be the next big thing for 2009’.


But seriously — while [a very small] part of me’s all ‘Who can blame the bitch for gettin’ her teet meat treated? Skeletor would practically disappear sideways if something [other than her pelvic bones] didn’t stick out!’ — the other 99.9999% of me is all ‘I’m gonna spend thousands for surgical results I already get for free with an auboobsunpadded bra and a little A/C? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Noooooo.’

Weeelllllll, not unless I can really tweak the twins …



June 22, 2009 at 4:08 pm 7 comments

Just asking …

What in the GD hell happened to the Obama I voted for?

“A federal judge yesterday sharply questioned an assertion by the Obama administration that former Vice President Richard B. Cheney’s statements to a special prosecutor about the Valerie Plame case must be kept secret, partly so they do not become fodder for Cheney’s political enemies or late-night commentary on The Daily Show,” R. Jeffrey Smith reports for The Washington Post.

June 20, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Minding YOUR Business

I want to know in what order officials of Bozeman, Montana hit the crackpipe each day.

Does the mayor get first dibbs or does that honor to go a sitting commissioner?
Because, I mean, if they’re not hittin’ the pipe, passing the doob or actively inebriated, like, ALL FUCKING DAY — then I don’t know how you justify the blatant paranoia that is their city job application policy.

See, in normal-type environs, Joe Jobseker knows that, after he fills out the requisite forms, he’s gonna have to trot his hot self down to Quest Diagnostics or the free clinic of some place to have his hemos and pees screened.

That’s just how it’s done – in most places.
But business gets handled a little differently in Bozeman.

To get a city job there, you better come prepared for a whole new pee test — the kind where you piss away your right to privacy!

Part jobapplicantof the selection process is a waiver statement applicants must sign, giving the city permission to conduct an investigation into the person’s “background, references, character, past employment, education, credit history, criminal or police records.”

Which sounds like the usual blah blah — if you don’t keep reading.

“Please list any and all, current personal or business websites, web pages or memberships on any Internet-based chat rooms, social clubs or forums, to include, but not limited to: Facebook, Google, Yahoo,, MySpace, etc.”

Wait. What?

Uh huh! Big Brother is from Bozeman!!

Those bitches even provide additional space for candidates to jot down their user names and passwords!
::: PWNED! :::

That is some serious ‘they’rewatchingme Iknowthey’retalkingaboutmecan’t someonestopethevoicesINMYHEAD’ fucked up shit!!

And how in the hell did I miss the protests!?! The boycotts!?!?! The public cries of outrage over such a heavy-handed and completely intrusive bully-move!?!?!?!

What’s that?
There weren’t any?

Nuh uh.

City Attorney Greg Sullivan says no one has ever removed his or her name from consideration for a job over the city gettin’ all up in they biz.

Which means Bozeman must be home to the most desperate bunch of rejects and whogivesashit-ologists in the known universe!
And, under normal circumstances, that infonugget would give me a serious case of the sadz, but then I remember that we’re talking about some dumpy destination in the middle of mont-freakin’-TANA and I’m all HAHAHAHAHA – MONTANA!!!!! because it occurs to me that I don’t give a shiny shit and am free to go on about my day and I’m happy because freedom is good … or something.



June 18, 2009 at 7:23 pm 5 comments

Dieting Help


Your welcome.

You are free to go about your day now that you’ve completely lost your appetite.

June 17, 2009 at 5:36 pm 3 comments

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