Oh Good God!
STOP IT PEOPLE!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!
These ‘sightings’ have gotten out of hand and it’s time for me to lay my infinite wisdom upon you – so sit back and get ready for the knowledge, bitches!
For the record:
You can believe in yourself.
You can believe in a higher power!
You can even believe in something you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, smell or quantify in any way whatsoever using words, symbols or rudimentary hand gestures!!
But for the love of all that is good, holy and not hindered by a fantascially phenomenal mind-altering chemical experience – stop trying to convince yourselves, your kids, your pets or me that you’ve found some kind of shitty substitute for salvation in your salami, at the local car dealership or on your kitchen floor!
You didn’t – and if I sound just a slight shade of pissed it’s because the latest religiously retarded spiritual sighting comes courtesy of someone who seriously ought to fucking know better … someone professionally trained to turn a cynical eye on just this type of false-idol fuckery – A JOURNALIST!
Jonathan Tilove says he found none other than the original hot slut herself – the Virgin Mary
in his Washington DC office this week.
::: At least the bitch is working, right? :::
“I went back to the [Cox news] office to pack the rest of my boxes and clean out my cubicle. And there it was, on my desk, a coffee stain in the image of the Virgin Mary. I was a little surprised. Why me? I’m Jewish.”
::: Helllooooo! Does the phrase ‘the chosen ones’ ring any bells?!? :::
Tilove detailed several theories explaining why his Lord and Maker might give him this special gift — including the fact that his lazy ass “provided the medium for the appearance of the coffee-stain Madonna by allowing the remains of a cup of coffee to slowly leak out of a paper cup and then only casually blotting up the spill with an old notebook.”
Because the All Powerful frequently rewards carelessness and sloth with significantly sacrosanct sightings.
Happens all the time!
Know what I see when I look at Tilove’s ‘Coffee Madonna’?
Strawberry Shortcake … or maybe one of those Precious Moments whores …
… but the Blessed Virgin Mother of God?
Oh Hell No!
So listen up snowflakes – ‘cuz the Cookie’s calling bullshit on this righteous rigamarole once and for all!
Your delusions aren’t divine – they’re dopey.
God isn’t some carny sideshow and he doesn’t need to go all Wonder Twins to get your attention, mm’kay?
Don’t get me wrong (and put the pitchforks down) – faith is good and religion’s totally groovy and I’m Ok/You’re Ok and blah blah fucking blah … but the guiding hand of God is not steering your sorry ass toward a special message in a cloud, your shoelace or that damned cowlick you saliva down every morning.
Deal with it.
But hey, don’t just take MY word for it …
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