Oh Good God!

May 7, 2009 at 1:29 pm 3 comments


These ‘sightings’ have gotten out of hand and it’s time for me to lay my infinite wisdom upon you – so sit back and get ready for the knowledge, bitches!

For the record:
You can believe in yourself.
You can believe in a higher power!
You can even believe in something you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, smell or quantify in any way whatsoever using words, symbols or rudimentary hand gestures!!

But for the love of all that is good, holy and not hindered by a fantascially phenomenal mind-altering chemical experience – stop trying to convince yourselves, your kids, your pets or me that you’ve found some kind of shitty substitute for salvation in your salamiat the local car dealership or on your kitchen floor!

You didn’t – and if I sound just a slight shade of pissed it’s because the latest religiously retarded spiritual sighting comes courtesy of someone who seriously ought to fucking know better … someone professionally trained to turn a cynical eye on just this type of false-idol fuckery – A JOURNALIST!

vmary1Jonathan Tilove says he found none other than the original hot slut herself – the Virgin Mary 
in his Washington DC office this week.
::: At least the bitch is working, right? :::

“I went back to the [Cox news] office to pack the rest of my boxes and clean out my cubicle. And there it was, on my desk, a coffee stain in the image of the Virgin Mary. I was a little surprised. Why me? I’m Jewish.”
::: Helllooooo! Does the phrase ‘the chosen ones’ ring any bells?!? :::

Tilove detailed several theories explaining why his Lord and Maker might give him this special gift — including the fact that his lazy ass “provided the medium for the appearance of the coffee-stain Madonna by allowing the remains of a cup of coffee to slowly leak out of a paper cup and then only casually blotting up the spill with an old notebook.”

Well sure!
Because the All Powerful frequently rewards carelessness and sloth with significantly sacrosanct sightings.
Happens all the time!


Know what I see when I look at Tilove’s ‘Coffee Madonna’?
Strawberry Shortcake … or maybe one of those Precious Moments whores …
… but the Blessed Virgin Mother of God?

Oh Hell No!

So listen up snowflakes – ‘cuz the Cookie’s calling bullshit on this righteous rigamarole once and for all!

Your delusions aren’t divine – they’re dopey.

God isn’t some carny sideshow and he doesn’t need to go all Wonder Twins to get your attention, mm’kay?

Don’t get me wrong (and put the pitchforks down) – faith is good and religion’s totally groovy and I’m Ok/You’re Ok and blah blah fucking blah … but the guiding hand of God is not steering your sorry ass toward a special message in a cloud, your shoelace or that damned cowlick you saliva down every morning.

He’s not.
It’s true.
Deal with it.

But hey, don’t just take MY word for it …


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THIS bitch … Change SHMANGE – RAAAAA!!!!!!!


  • 1. Ponchita  |  May 7, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    dammit to hell…you mean that piece of toast on ebay i bid$$$$$$$$ on years ago with the face of jesus wasn’t real?!?!?
    i’m with ya sista – if god almighty wants to let his presence be known..he’s gonna descend his hand from the heavens above and biotch slap us all!

  • 2. lifeisacookie  |  May 7, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    That man is hella power! He doesn’t need to screw around with this mamby-pamby bush-league shit!

    And yes — I’d go ahead and eat that toast with some jam and butter before Jesus gets stale!

  • 3. Go with Gordo « Life Is A Cookie  |  March 2, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    […] 2, 2011 No, this is not a repeat of the great splotch of sanctification or the faux-marble floor messiah or even the miraculous window pane of […]

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