Fresh off my five-day cerebrospinal fluid imbalance-induced week of the most horrific hurt EVAR!!!!! — I take the first baby steps on my way to rejoining polite society only to be smacked in the face by America’s newest national nightmare:
Jon Gosselin did something un-Jon and Kate Plus 8-ey!!!
While I was making the climb back to civilization – the Learning Channel’s favorite bossy broodmare and her boring-ass bitch of a husband became gossip’s new golden couple after the lab-created dad was spotted gettin’ his drink and party on without the old ball and chain.
And because YOU were coherent and generally ‘with it’ last week — YOU already know what happened next …
The interwebs were going all apeshit with rumors of boozified cheateration, whoremongering and *gasp* divorce – but I was going all ‘This shit’s passing for news now?’
Because – no lie peeps – I can think of, like, a gozillion other things more deserving of my attention [H1N1 … economy … recalls … China …] and my ‘getting bent out of shape’ energies than some poor castrated nutsack enjoying a rare moment of freedom while the zookeeper’s away.
You’ll have to do better.
I’m just a tough customer like that.
The only way this thing has any ‘mo is if Nadya Suleman is (even if it’s just in some small way) responsible — because that would just be a big, bold shade of hot mess AWESOMENESS!
That kind of showdown would totally set my summer!
X-Men Origins? You’re outta here!
Terminator? Star-Trek?? Transformers??? Totally trivial!
And you, Harry Potter?!? PISS OFF, fuckbucket!!!
These breeders better start bringin’ the pain or I cancel ALL subscriptions!!!
You got me TLC bigwigs!?!
Unless you’re putting the final touches on the bitchslappiest KY-jelly-filled steel cage Mother’s Day smackdown in history — don’t even THINK about getting me to tune in for another one of Maddy’s meltdowns next season!
You bring me that hot Octo-on-Octo action I crave … or we’re THROUGH!
Entry filed under: actors, advertising, blogging, celebrity, child support, comedy, community, culture, divorce, entertainment, family, fun, funny, Gossip, humor, life, media, neighborhood, News, odd, photography, reporting, TV, unbelievable, Uncategorized. Tags: dumbass, gosselin, idiot, idiotic, Jon and Kate Plus 8, litter, multiple, multiples, Nadya Suleman, Network, News, Octomom, people, puppies, random, retarded, sick, silly, strange, stupid, thoughts, TLC, twisted.