May 4, 2009 at 5:05 pm 6 comments

Fresh off my five-day cerebrospinal fluid imbalance-induced week of the most horrific hurt EVAR!!!!! — I take the first baby steps on my way to rejoining polite society only to be smacked in the face by America’s newest national nightmare:

Jon Gosselin did something un-Jon and Kate Plus 8-ey!!!


While I was making the climb back to civilization – the Learning Channel’s favorite bossy broodmare and her boring-ass bitch of a husband became gossip’s new golden couple after the lab-created dad was spotted gettin’ his drink and party on without the old ball and chain.

And because YOU were coherent and generally ‘with it’ last week — YOU already know what happened next …


jonkateThe interwebs were going all apeshit with rumors of boozified cheateration, whoremongering and *gasp* divorce – but I was going all ‘This shit’s passing for news now?’

Because – no lie peeps – I can think of, like, a gozillion other things more deserving of my attention [H1N1 … economy … recalls … China …] and my ‘getting bent out of shape’ energies than some poor castrated nutsack enjoying a rare moment of freedom while the zookeeper’s away.

You’ll have to do better.
I’m just a tough customer like that.

The only way this thing has any ‘mo is if Nadya Suleman is (even if it’s just in some small way) responsible — because that would just be a big, bold shade of hot mess AWESOMENESS!

No shit!
That kind of showdown would totally set my summer!

X-Men Origins? You’re outta here!
Terminator? Star-Trek?? Transformers??? Totally trivial!
And you, Harry Potter?!? PISS OFF, fuckbucket!!!

octofight1These breeders better start bringin’ the pain or I cancel ALL subscriptions!!!

You got me TLC bigwigs!?!

Unless you’re putting the final touches on the bitchslappiest KY-jelly-filled steel cage Mother’s Day smackdown in history — don’t even THINK about getting me to tune in for another one of Maddy’s meltdowns next season!

You bring me that hot Octo-on-Octo action I crave … or we’re THROUGH!


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What a pain! Haute MESS


  • 1. OctoGEDDON!!! | It´s Entertainment  |  May 4, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    […] Original post by lifeisacookie […]

  • 2. rickroller  |  May 4, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    Battle of the Bellies

  • 3. Dvris Extant  |  May 5, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    The one whose babies don’t miscarriage at the end of the match wins.

  • 4. GreenEydGrrl  |  May 5, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Sooo ummm Cookie, the hubster would like to know what EXACTLY is a “fuckbucket”… is it a bucket for holding fuck? if so is fuck partitive as milk i.e. I have some fuck in this bucket? or is fuck more like pebbles as in “I have some fucks in this bucket”? Or are you supposed to fuck in the bucket? hopefully not fuck the bucket because that’s just crossing a line. The line of inquiry could go on and on…

  • 5. lifeisacookie  |  May 6, 2009 at 12:49 pm


  • 6. Ponchita  |  May 6, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    posts like this are what keep me coming back! i loves it!!

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