Archive for April, 2009

O’Baby can’t bee too careful


The badness has come!
The end is nigh!!
OUR WORST FEARS REALIZED!!!

Yes, America — it happened!

Terrorists have attacked the White House

Just one precious, rainbow-filled day after O’Beautiful returned from his jam-packed, eight-day, six-country overseas tripapalooza – the White House fell victim to insidious thuggery of extreme proportions when …

… oh I almost can’t even describe the horror …

… when bees attacked the prez’s rez!

BEEEEEES!!!

It all started when a swarm – SWARM!! – of honey bees took over a bush *ACK!* located between the Northwest security gate of the White House and the area where television networks’ stand-up positions are located.

beesOne CNNer who braved the marauding horde and miraculously lived to tell his harrowing tale of survival had this to say:
“I walked out and thought it was a swirl of blossoms blowing in the wind, but turns out it was a swarm of bees,” he explained.

OH THE HUMANITY!!!!
::: Surely there’s a Purple Heart category for this kind of heroism! :::

But take heart, fellow citizens — complete catastrophic meltdown of the Capital was averted because my boyfriend is the wisest man in the known universe and knew from the time he was a zygote that the Commander in Chief MUST be prepared for just this kind of treachery — which is why he keeps a carpenter – who also just happens to be a beekeeper – on staff!
::: Mah Boo is wicked smart! :::

Wearing protective gear and brandishing a cardboard box, SuperCarpenterBeeMan was able to box up the queen and many of her drones …

AND AMERICA WAS SAVED!!!!!!

… until the great termite invasion …

SOURCE 

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April 10, 2009 at 6:03 pm 4 comments

Whatever gets you through …


Ever had one of those days when a diversion chock-full of healthy ackhilariosity and fortified silliation isn’t just welcome … it’s necessary?

Well, I had one of those bad bitches yesterday and let me just tell you — drinking will definitely bring the ahhhhh, but investing in the unusual, unnecessary or undeniably degenerate  is what will really cut the shyte!

Frealz!
It’s totally theraputic!

Sometimes it’s supplies for sexy times from Sassy Kat, sometimes I just want a taste of Teavana’s ambrosial offerings and sometimes I need a double dose of ethnic chic that only Soul Sistah can supply.

believeingodBut for days when everything seems to be turned upside-down on a sideways hill in the rain there is only one option.

Perpetual Kid

My absolute 100% all-time FAVORITE ‘get fun shit’ place on the planet, Perpetual Kid caters to the functionally crazy like no one else.
::: Just like the Sharpie standing watch over my desktop pen army … Perpetual Kid speaks to me. :::

No day is complete without gettin’ my God on with some piously pepperminty breath spray and adding a little ba-da BLING to my boo boos is the bomb! And can I just tell you? My dead body towel has never failed to provide a quiet day at the beach.

Make some Tic Tac Toast; munch some Ugly Little Bitch mints or slip your best girl some “Birth Control” – whatever!

The point is that this crap has kept my funkatated ass from going twelve kinds of Chris Brown on folks more than once … and because I am getting a slight kickback for this post care — DEEPLY — about your well-being, I am sharing this time-tested strategerie for solutionizing your sanity.

I mean, it’s gotta be a better use of your money than bail, right? Right? …

April 9, 2009 at 3:54 pm 7 comments

CNN tackles the tough stuff


What with all of the economic uncertainty, security concerns and general depravity everywhere, I take great comfort in the knowlege that I can count on CNN to bring me the really big news.

Like today’s ‘Twelve Amusing Excuses For Being Late For Work‘ … awesome market downturn, massive layoff reading there.
Because it’s just common knowledge that the absolute first thing on the mind of someone suffering job-loss jitters is where to find new and creative ways to endanger their employability.
::: CNN’s got yer back, dawg! :::

“While some employers tend to be more lenient with worker punctuality, 30% say they have terminated an employee for being late,” CareerBuilder.com‘s VP of HR said.

You guys got that?
Career Pro Tip: Being late for work can get you fired.

WOW!!

I mean, you just don’t get that kind of top-secret insider info any old place!
::: CNN and CareerBuilder totally  us! :::

According to a February survey of more than 8,000 workers all the goldbrickers still employed in America, 20% said they arrive late to work at least once a week and 12% said they are late at least twice a week.

And just what’s keeping Tammy Timeclock from promptly punching in?

Why, Amusing Excuse #2, of course!
“My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.”
::: So even if yours puts the Dick in Dickens, don’t use that one ladies– it’s TAKEN! :::

Now me? I like #4: “I got locked in my trunk by my son.”
Because any brat who can put a ‘rent in the box has earned his Bitchin’ Bastard badge in my view!

Oh, but I know, I know — the point is not to BE late … if you can help it … provided the Dunkin’ Donuts latte line isn’t too long …. and that morning-after hangover helper is working …

“To be on the safe side, try your best to be on time for work every day,” the job gurus advise. “Your boss, co-workers and reputation will thank you for it.”

GOTCHA!!

THANK YOU CNN AND CAREERBUILDER!!!!!

I feel more productive alrea … ooo someone brought cake!

April 7, 2009 at 5:59 pm 3 comments

The view from the cheap(est) seats


stadiumseatFeeling twelve kinds of spectacularly woozified in my Section 426, Row 15, Seat 13 spot at last night’s Florida Panthers – Pittsburgh Penguins game, the thought crossed my mind that, perhaps, I’ve been too extreme in my New Great Depression practice of partaking in sporting events on the cheap … until I saw the picture of possibly the world’s most skinflinterrific superachiever ever making his way to the top of the upper deck in left field during an exhibition game at the new Yankee Stadium over the weekend.

yankseats

I mean, I feel like a penny-pinching poseur next to his pauperiffic perfection!

Check out the steely-eyed stare he maintains – even as his oxygen-deprived brain struggles to navigate the unforgiving concrete steps stretching up, Up, UP to the ether!

This bitch isn’t fucking around!
He knows what he wants and he’s going for it!

You just KNOW he reuses popsicle sticks as bookmarks, clips coupons for shit he doesn’t even buy and recycles used stamps!!
He’s a pro!!!

Dude is workin’ that knitted cap and GORE-TEX® like there’s no tomorrow! He is going to eat those frozen hot dogs and he is going to enjoy watching the ants scurry around the field below … just as soon as he summits Mt. Ballpark.

… I’m not worthy …

PHOTO: Julie Jacobson / AP

April 6, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Movie makers get their miser on


Old and Busted: Ginormous payouts plus part of the profits paid to barely-even pedestrian performers.

New Hotness: Puttin’ those bitches on a budget!

budgetdivaIt’s true!

Oh sure, you may think life is all darkness and ominosity out there in this New Great Depression, but take heart you homeless hobos! There IS a silver lining!

Your impovrished ass is about to get company!
::: YAY!!! Misery LOVES company! :::

NGD Math Lesson:
Your broke-assness + global economic meltdown = movie bidness bottom lines are moving toward  disgusting diva demands.

Yessiree! After years of empty promises to cut the sweetheart deals with the pompous and the bitchy (AKA – mid-level movie stars), the studios are finally able to stick it to ’em!
Why?
Hellooooooo?!?!? Haven’t you been listening?

The ‘crisis’, you silly!

They’re slashing star salaries and pulling perks like private jets, too.
::: I’m guessing they’re not pickin’ up the rehab tab anymore, either? :::

“They’ve wanted to go in this direction for a long time and the global financial crisis has given them the lever to do it,” a veteran talent representative told The Daily Beast.

Another rep broke it down a little better. “The studios are going out to actors who have been $10 million players and saying, `Here’s $5 million.’ Here’s two and a half.”
::: SLAVE WAGES!!! :::

And if LindsayTaraWhatsHerFace balks? No biggie!
The studios will simply pick another thespian from the pile.
::: Bitches on backup – smoooooth! :::

“They’re not fucking around,”
Mr. Nonamebecauseweareprobablytalkingaboutmyclient
said. “They know exactly who that next person is.”

Which may explain why Marvel Studios offered Scarlett Johansson and the twins a paltry $250,000 for Iron Man 2.

“We don’t like to be portrayed as being disrespectful to talent, notwithstanding the fact that we are very budget-conscious and can’t always meet an actor’s initial asking price,” Marvel COO Tim Connors said.
“We say, `We wouldn’t normally ask an actor at this level to do this but we’d be thrilled to have them.”

Now, it’s all good because ScarJo and her magnificantly talented chi chi balls were able to negotiate their way up to a semi-sort of respectable $400,000 for the film – so we feel confident she’ll be able to feed and clothe herself for at least another week or two … but something tells me SAG may want to get crackin’ on an emergency out of work actress retraining program because Kirsten Dunst is gonna need some way to pay for those sniffy snax and god knows the fossil financing CZJ isn’t gonna live forever!

Let’s go guys — CHOP CHOP!

SOURCE

April 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm 6 comments

Effed-up effigy?


Some people are so damned touchy!

A shepherd of the Lord in Germany has been gettin’ his God on by playjesusrecreating scenes from the good book using modified Playmobil characters, such as an awesomely anatomically-correct Adam and Eve.

For some inexplicable reason – Playmobil has a problem with this.

In a strongly worded missive sent to Markus Bomhard, the toymaker described his work as a “massive manipulation of the figures, for example reshaping their arms with a hairdryer or candle to nail them to a cross”.
::: Well, the devil IS in the details … :::

Not one to crap out on the ninth commandment, bible boy fessed up.

“It’s true that I did use a hairdryer to soften the figure for the crucifixion scene because the fingers wouldn’t spread out jesuswomenproperly otherwise. Then I had to let it harden again before I could nail it to the cross.”
::: SEE PLAYMOBIL! If your shit was more malleable none of this would have been necessary!!! :::

“We are quite tolerant if this is done in the privacy of the home but if someone crucifies a Playmobil figure, or, as in the case of Eve, glues on breasts, then this is a completely different dimension,” Playmobil’s Gisela Kupiak explained.

The offending evangelizer has defended his depictions by invoking none other that Pope Benedict XVI.

“May your project allow many children and adults access to Holy Scripture,” Benny wrote in support of the misguided minster.
::: That’s right, douchebags! Think of the CHIRREN!!! :::

— Not for nothing, but even a hellbound heathen like yours truly has to admit that God’s representative on Earth pretty much trumps corporate flak correspondence anyday. —

adameveBut Playmobil brass were all ‘Wrath of God, Schmath of God, fucker! You’ll be feeling the Wrath of Ira Goldenblatt if you don’t yank Adam’s wank and pull the plug on Eve’s tasty tatas!”

‘They’ve given the confused ecclesiastic until April 6 to remove the inappropriate imagery from his website.

… Sünders …

April 2, 2009 at 3:16 pm 5 comments

Lost their shirt — found their funny bone


GOOD ONE, TRIBUNE COMPANY!
::: … you broke-ass mofos …:::

SOURCE

April 1, 2009 at 9:29 pm 2 comments

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