Archive for April, 2009

Just asking …


Anyone but me think it’s a certain shade of odd that a 3.8 magnitude earthquake struck central Alabama almost a year to the day that a 3.1 magnitude trembler shook the Heart of Dixie’s southwestern parts?

I mean, ok, yeah, sure — according to the U.S. Geological Survey, Alabama does have some known faults (HAHAHA — ok ok! That kind too!) and homegirl does have a documented history of tremors datin’ back to 1811 – but c’mon! Two in two years — in the 21st century — when the last one before that was 1999?

It’s either a missed sign of the apocalypse or the Thompson High cheerleading squad needs to lay off the Hardee’s Monster Thickburgers before they begin their tumbling routine!

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April 21, 2009 at 8:52 pm 5 comments

Geography FAIL


Deception!
Trickery!!
LIES!!!

WE’VE BEEN CHEATED!!!!

Remember that family vakay we were all forced to take during the delicate, formative years of our middle school ‘experience’?
The one where the ‘rents piled our whiny snotnosed selves into the Pace Arrow and headed ‘West to see America’??
The one where you pretzeled yourself in an effort to make sure you had at least one digit representin’ in every spot at Four Corners???

Yeah?
Well, funny thing about that …

“According to readings by the National Geodetic Survey, the Four Corners marker showing the intersection of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and Utah is about 2.5 miles west of where it should be.”

SAY WHAT?!?

Ayep – a good old-fashioned fuckup back in 1868 has led to countless Kodak moments where little Timmy and Sue took turns getting a hand in Arizona … and, as it turns out, a foot in Arizona … and another foot in Ariz — well, you get the idea.

That photo album? Pitch it.
That commemorative mug? Ditch it.
That computer screensaver you like so much? Switch it.

Your ‘precious memories’ will get you about as much as the fake Louis the chick at RaceTrac keeps behind the counter.

What – OH WHAT – are we to make of this betrayal, America?!?

Are we just supposed to now assume we are georgewvisiting the real birthplace of George Washington when we go to the Virginia spot the government claims is the exact spot his mamma birthed that bitch?
I don’t think so!

And what about Washintgon’s Mount St. Helens?? How do we know it’s not the bigger, more unstable ‘supposedly dormant’ volcano 2.5 MILES AWAY that nobody talks about because the guy monumentizing shit that day was too lazy to check it out??
We don’t!

And Devil’s Tower in Wyoming? Allegedly our ‘first national monument’??
Oh right! Like I’m really gonna believe Teddy Roosevelt named christened that crap back in 1906!
I wasn’t there!
Were you?!? Nooooo.
The first time I saw that shit was in Close Encounters. For all I know it’s just a really big set prop!

What are we to believe?
Where does this heinous treachery against the American people end?!?

My God — what IS this madness?!?

Next thing you know we’ll find out Santa’s not real!

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April 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm 6 comments

As The World Turned …


What the hell, people!!
A bitch can’t even take a couple of days to get her bereavement on without the whole world going berserk!?!

First I hear that John Madden is hangin’ up the mic and I’m all ‘Can he really do that? Is he even allowed to do that?!?’
::: I bet he goes 20 kinds of Favre by August :::

Then I read that Delta’s ditching their thoroughly detested practice of outsourcing customer service calls to India and I was all ‘Woo hoo! Jobs r comin’ JOBS R COMIN’!’

But that happy had a hella short shelf-life once I self-schooled on GM’s continued bid to be the New Great Depression poster child by shuttering US plants and cutting another 1,600 jobs — even as the company prepares to build factories in China.
::: Their shit actually sells in China … who knew! :::

That gak had me feeling all the bad emotions until I got the 4-1-1 on my badass boyfriend’s semi-awkward olive-branchiness toward Cuba and I’m all ‘Oh God of Outdated Political Policy – could it be? Could it really beeeee????? Might we finally be done with this fossilized Cold War crapola?!?’
::: … it has been a goddamned half century, after all … :::

But I don’t think I felt the full weight of what transpired in the world while I was ‘away’ until my vodka-tonic stupor wore off it was revealed that Amy Winehouse is planning to adopt and cracktise some poor little St. Lucian who is clearly unaware that ‘daughter’ and ‘drug mule’ don’t exactly mean the same thing.
::: Run kid — don’t ask for explanations … just run! :::

And so now I’m all ‘Fuuuuuck! What is there to drink for breakfast, anyway …’

April 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm 2 comments

So hard to say goodbye …


I never thought it would be this hard, but after more than 22 years together — how could it not be?

Beethoven: July 1986 – April 2009

beethyears

At least she’ll get to see her friends soon …

mochili

There probably won’t be a post here for a few days …

sleepies

April 16, 2009 at 3:39 pm 8 comments

Happy Tax Day, Bitches!


Hope you didn’t use these guys!

swindle-tax-service

April 15, 2009 at 2:00 pm 2 comments

The devil’s in the details


fox61
Looking at this picture briefly made me wish I lived in Tennessee because I thought it would be hee-heeriffic to be a part of the obviously budget-conscious, cheapass crazy antics of the FOX 61 News at Ten team.

I mean, check out the fierce ‘Bitch, please!’ expressions those harsh whores are workin’!
Sundays must be Slap-A-Ho night at the newsplex!

And those Jaclyn Smith Collection blazers and granny pearls?
HAHAHA!!
Who do they think they’re fooling with that shit? Those skanks are totally rockin’ the Cherokee shorts and sitting on plastic lawn chairs behind that ultra-hein Office Depot remnant cherry laminate ‘set’!

Blink and you might have missed the dude scratchin’ his crack in the back.
I bet it was John Charlton — that guy looks like a butt-picker from birth!

And what about the South Park Towelie and Klan hood?
That’s gonna ma …. Wait. The What?

South Park Towelie and Klan hood!?!

weirdstuffMmmm HMMMMM

I mean, ok ok — I admit it – at first I was all ‘TOWLIE!!!’ because, well, I’m three and that shit is funny to me!

But then the ewwww took over and I was all  “WHATTAHFUCK?!?” when I saw that creepy mess under the desk.

Seriously — I have questions!

Who thought this would be funny for ‘on-air’?
What kind of coked-up crackie logic led to this fuckery??
Was anyone fired??
Was there audience outrage???
Why have the networks not chronicled this yuck with some meritoriously righteous indignation?!?
Why hasn’t a blue-ribbon panel been commissioned to investigate this ick?
What in hate group hell is going on in Tennessee, people?!?

Enquiring mind wants to know!

April 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm 5 comments

Papa was a trolling drone …


ATTENTION WOMEN EVERYWHERE:

DO NOT FUCK WITH THOMAS FRAZIER

Seriously — don’t  do it!

Unless you had all your womanly business yanked out at least a decade ago and you’ve had your hoo-ha sewn twelve kinds of shut and your legs have been permanently fused together at the knee and ankle bones – do not fuck with, near, around, close to, in the general vicinity of or within a 50-mile radius of Thomas Frazier.

Because this meatsack can knock a bitch up with a single, furtive glance her way … or by breathing the same air … or passing her on the freeway …

And then – just like your self-respect, your freedom and your future plans – he’s OUTTA THERE!!!

Frazier is Flynt, Michigan’s answer to the question “If there was a world champion of deadbeat dads, what would he look like?”

He’d look like this fucker!!
A serial sperm donor who bounces from state to state, has fourteen children by 13 different women in Genesee County alone and owes more than $530,000 in unpaid child support.

Oh, but his years of playing the artful child support dodger came to an end late last month when karma finally said ‘Enough fuckery, douchebag!”

He was pulled over in Iowa for a broken taillight on his Mercedes Benz and wouldja take a fuckin’ look at this — in his pocket police found $5,000 in cash and plane tickets to Florida!

Shockingly, police didn’t buy his lie that the money was for child support and not the Mons Venus champagne room.
In fact, they called bullshit on all the cockamamie crap he was shoveling, threw his impregnating ass in jail and gave him the choice of doing 90 days or coming up with about $28,000 — immediately.

Which means, of course, that he’ll continue earning his ‘burden to society’ merit badge by spending a little vakay at the county’s expense.

Hopefully dickhead will get a take-charge kind of cellmate who will spend hours each day demonstrating the painful ins and outs of ill-advised copulation and ram home nightly the consequences of such irresponsibility.

… hopefully …

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April 13, 2009 at 4:36 pm 2 comments

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