News you can use
Dear Cookie Monsters:
I care about you.
You are important to me.
And because I know the weekend is at hand and very shortly you will no longer be able to resist the urge to mentally just check-the-fuck-out for the next 48 – I want you to take a moment, draw in a cleansing breath and prepare your brain to absorb some truly crucial knowledge.
No matter how much of a rush you may be in …
No matter what your friend RayRay says …
No matter if you make it all the way to the legendary Triple-Double Dog Dare …
Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to load the boat ON the pickup.
Trust me. This shit does NOT work and it will absolutely fuck up your weekend.
Being a good drunk means being a prepared one.
Now go play.
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