Archive for February, 2009

Darned SHOOTIN’!


And the award for Most Retarded Display of Selfish Corporate Fuckery goes to …

McDonald’s! – for their patent refusal of Workman’s Compensation benefits to an employee who was shot [at the MCDonald’s where he worked] while trying to defend a woman who was being beaten [at the MCDonald’s where he worked].
::: Way to go, corporate fuckers!! :::

Nigel Haskett’s heroics earned him three abdominal surgeries and a permanent reminder of the universal law that no good deed goes unpunished in the form of a partial bullet — forever lodged — in his back.
::: Who says you can’t take it with you?!? :::

Haskett’s unselfish actions also garnered the highest admiration and respect from his employer.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Noooo — just kidding!

McDonald’s really couldn’t have said ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ more quickly or more clearly.

Facing more than $300,000 in medical bills from the shooting [at the MCDonald’s where he worked], Haskett filed a claim with the state Workers Compensation Commission — to which McDonald’s replied, well,  ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’
::: See! :::

In a letter to the Commission, McDonald’s insurer wrote: “we have denied this claim in its entirety as it is our opinion that Mr. Haskett’s injuries did not arise out of or within the course and scope of his employment.”
::: I’ll bet his timecard begs to differ! :::

The McLawyers say McEmployees are given strict McInstruction to ‘do nothing’ that would put themselves or anyone else in danger during the course of their McWorkday.

Oooook — and, umm, the McCustomers? Any advice on their safety, Mickey D?!?

Ohhhh riiiight – ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ – GOTCHA!

In a clear deviation from Chapter 6, paragraph 13 of McDonald’s We Didn’t See Nuthin’ Customer Beatdown policy, Haskett’s boss Ray Nosler called him a hero for his actions last August and contributed to a fund setup for his employee.

“We are all grateful to Nigel and that’s why it is so unfortunate that he’s having a difficult time with the insurance claim,” Nosler says.  “Because the insurance claim is still pending, I’m not able to say more about it, but I hope his claim will come to a quick resolution and the right thing will be done for my employee.”
::: awwww – i haz cry :::

Video of the incident had been available on YouTube, but now there is a disclaimer that reads: This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by McDonald’s Corporation.

They don’t want to own up to any responsibility for what happens in their restaurants but they’ll sure as shit own the evidence!
::: I’m not lovin’ it :::

Eh, McFuckem — you can watch it here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So what do you think?
Should the Evil Clown Empire cough up some cash or should we just all understand we’re taking our lives in our hands each time we frequent the corporate-sanctioned anything goes, lawless wasteland that is your neighborhood McDonald’s?

SOURCE

February 23, 2009 at 11:34 am 3 comments

Oh Please, Oh Please, Oh Pleeeeeeeease?????



Dear Academy Awards,
Please let Mickey Rourke win tonight’s Oscar for Best Actor in a Leading Role.

I know his nomination for The Wrestler was because it was, you know, ‘good’ and ‘awesome’ and a showcase of superlative adjective-type words, not to mention a bunch of other blah blah about method acting and crap like that — but that’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking Mickey. The mangled hunk of mysteryflesh that makes me feel like a superachiever just for waking up each morning.

I love to watch Mr. Potatoface puff his ciggies while telling everyone to fuck off or go screw themselves (but not Courtney Love) and then laugh so hard that his one natural follicle shakes when memories he thought the booze and coke had erased somehow float magically to the surface of his mind.

That shit is funny, dudes!!!

Mickey is like a one-man amusement park for my mind.
I need him, and I am being 100% totally for real here when I say — so do you.

You have to know that Mickey and Heath Ledger are the only reasons anyone will be watching your crapass show tonight – and only one of them can give a speech!

So do the right thing, guys, and remember – Loki is watching.

Smooches!
Cookie

February 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm 3 comments

Ewwww pig … souie!


Good Cookie PostOh hell to the yeah!!

I’m all over this new extreme sport like white on rice (smotthered in roasted pig).

Mr. State Rep Sid Miller (of Texas) needs a hand shake and a cold cerveza from this dude because he’s offerin up legislation that will give regular-type guys like me the chance to get a permit to hunt feral hogs from the skies.

All righty then … Where do I sign up?!?

The population of feral hogs has gone bonkers here in my fair state, and it’s evident from field to forest to the backyard of suburban Sally’s pristine petunias!

People have actually seen them fornicate in their faces, as if to say “don’tcha wish your species was hot like me …don’tcha?”

But they do wreak havoc on land and property, adding up to million$ each year.
Hmmmm — can you say stimulus assistance?
Hellllooooo pork spending!

There are those, however, who really want Oliver and the rest of their thousands upon thousands — upon estimated TWO MILLION family membersnot to be fired upon.
I’m sure that those opposing will be happy to let a few thousand hogs hang out at their places for some friendly foraging — NOT!
Maybe even some classes on diversity to get the hogs to understand that it’s a “no no” to tear up other peoples shit?!?
Uh … no. Sorry, ain’t gonna happen here.

Hell, even coyotes are scared of these ornery bithches!

Let’s get the bazooka and hit the air!

Apparently, some eleven hundred hunters did get permits last year here in Texas — and they’re shootin from the skies!!
What makes them so special?
I don’t know, but I’m going through my curled up phonebook today to see if any of my buddies already have liscenses to hunt these porkers.

Game on fatty-porker!

HOG CHATTER!

Signed: Springdaddy

February 21, 2009 at 3:05 pm 13 comments

Standards for Poors?


I have a way cool diversion for any of the four of you not idling away this New Great Depression by spending your days panhandling for pennies or standing in bread lines: POLI-TOPO PAUPER FUN!!

The clever tallymasters over at the Sargent Shriver National Center on Poverty Law have added up the way every member of Congress voted on every bill that had anything to do in even the mostest remotest of ways with fighting that little nuisance we call daily life poverty.
::: NEATO! :::

Unfortunately, a quick check of the Sunshine State reveals some not-so-sunny news for our state’s hobo and vagabond collective: More than half of the richies repping them in Congress have consistently voted against pretty much any and all measures that might have meant any kind of meaningful movement on the povery front.
::: Take note, freeloaders!! :::

Tramps and beggars in my home state of Alabama faired slightly better – they at least had actual Republican-type personages who occasionally threw a Yes vote behind legislation for the poors.
::: Mike Rogers — you ol’ switch-hitter you!! :::

And what about your state??

As you watch your bank account sink further into the red – would you like to know just how little you can expect from your own lawmakers ?

Well this is your lucky day then, you needy bastards!
Just click here to rate your state!

Now go get a job, ya bums!

February 20, 2009 at 5:19 pm 9 comments

Oh what a tangled web!


I’m doomed.

But don’t feel bad for me  — you’re doomed too!
And so are all of your 3,487 best Internet friends because, apparently, making our presence known on social networking sites like Facebook , MySpace, Twitter, LinkedIn and Plaxo can make us all kinds of sick!
::: … and one very special kind of dead … :::

It’s true!
A real medical-type person said so!!
::: … better update your wills, ‘cuz it’s TTFE, bitches!!!! … :::

Research shows that, since 1987, the number of hours people [like us] spent speaking to others face-to-face has fallen dramatically as the use of electronic media increased.
::: Don’t blame the Mac! I’m just not that into you anymore … :::

internetsadThis hottest of critical topics got ink in the latest copy of the journal Biologist, where Dr. Aric Sigman warns that updating your status, managing your Tweets and friending every Tom, Dick and perv on the interwebs will give you the cancers and make your heart explode.

Oh, but it’s ok, snowflake! You’ll be so fucked-in-the-head batshit crazy you won’t notice!!
:::: Whew!! An UPSIDE!!! :::

Professor Pessimism’s got a boatload of empirically researchified datafication out there that shows — not only is the ‘cuddle chemical’ oxytocin negatively affected by ‘virtual’ contact — but people [like you] who spend too much time interacting socially [at home in your underwear] via computer are compromising your immune systems …
::: Big whoop … my drinking problem’s already taken care of that … :::
… and a compromised immune system could alter the way your genes work …
::: … enter my drug problem … :::
… and anyone who managed to stay awake in bio knows gummed-up genes can lead to all kinds of seriously icky bads.
::: … like my porn problem … :::

I mean, yeah, it sounds like something great for middle America to get superfreaked about and all, but me?
I think I hafta call bullshit on this bag o’ crap.

Seriously.
Anyone who ever met Wink – the psycho high-school blind-date who couldn’t understand my unwillingness to engage in sucky face-to-face time and felt his best course of action was to get out his Glock and make a go for it — knows it takes a helluva lot more than a computer connection to curdle the ol’ cuddle factor!

So, when the rest of you are done with dialysis and that latest round of chemo, bratzgirrrrrl2006 and I will be waiting in the chatroom.

LAYTAH!

SOURCE
 

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February 19, 2009 at 8:11 pm 13 comments

In His name?


No NO NO!!!
That is not how you do it, you sick fuckuva twisted wackjob!
:::  … which would normally be a tag of glory but, in this case, it means you’ve summited Mt. Dumbass — plant your flag, moron! :::

Time was a barbecue sandwich and some juice after Sunday school was all it took to lure the faithful … I guess we’re doin’ it differently these days

Ugh … cue the crazy …

troy_ian_brisport_20090215174926_320_240Johnny Law over in Ohio has charged God’s little soldier, Troy Brisport, ——>
with kidnapping, ransom/sheild hostage and felonious assault for handcuffing some poor bitch, gagging her, stripping her naked then dressing her up in …
::: Nooo — it’s not that kind of story!!! :::

… dressing her up in an adult diaper while he …
::: nuh uh … not that kind either :::

… while he read Bible passages to her … for four tragically theologified days!
From the Book of Retard 8:38-19:
“For He is convinced that only an emergency dispatcher will be able to separate the supposed sinner from the sick fuckery being done in His name
at the Tamarack Creek Apartments.”

Police say the 13th Apostle picked up his victim Wednesday night in Detroit and drove her to his apartment after she told him she had nowhere to stay.

The Master’s messenger must give one sorryass sermon because, at some point, the kidnapee fell asleep, which is when the kidnapper did as the shreiking voices in his head his Lord and Savior instructed and put his prey on hardcore house arrest!
::: Who’s a kinky Christian?!? Whooooz a kinky Christian?!?  YOU are!!! :::

Rev. Gotitwrong apparently also tried – several times – to suffocate his disinclined disciple using a pillow and blanket.
::: … the power of Christ compelled him … :::

I guess giving his testimony must just be, like, way harder and stuff these days because, after all that work, Troy The Thickheaded got a major case of the sleepies and went all nite-nite.

“And the sufferer broke 20 kinds of free and ran walked stumbled into the sun light parking lot to call 9-1-1 … and it was good.” Morons 25:36-27

Have fun ministering in County, dickweed!

SOURCE

February 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm 17 comments

House pet FAIL


What kind of dumbass keeps a primate as a house pet?

No no — serious question.
Because we’re not talking about some freaky Michael Jackson ‘mules you can put out to the back 40 and get your ‘isn’t he cuuuuuuute?’ on when you want to go all ‘exotic’.

We’re talking about our [wild] evolutionary brothers from a very [wild] different mother who, as adults, have at least five times the strength of humans … and who even the first-rate researchifyers over at the Jane Goodall Institute agree are meant to live in the wild, not in our homes.

And so again, I ask … 

What Kind of?
DUMBASS?
Keeps A Goddamned PRIMATE?
AS A HOUSE PET?!?!?

Some dumbass in Stamford, Connecticut – that’s who!
::: … although, technically, she doesn’t keep one anymore … :::

Meet Sandra Herold.
::: Hi Sandra! :::
Sandra is a 70-year-old woman who owns owned a 200-pound ‘celebrity pet’ chimpanzee named Travis.
::: Hi Travis! :::

Trav – a chimp who is said to have been toilet trained, could dress himself, ate at the table, could use a computer and reportedly starred in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials — used a key to let himself out of Herold’s house last night.
::: SMARTYPANTS!! :::

He was out there, gettin’ all rampagey — attacking police cars, police men and Herold’s 50-something soon-to-be former friend — when the po po had to make ol’ Trav a permanent kind of dead.
::: Chimpi .. uhh no, that’s just sad … :::

According to reports, “Travis was being bad.” He’d biggie-sized an outburst but calmed down long enough for Herold to get him back in the house and give him a nice hot cuppa Xanax-laced tea.
::: … mmm, yeah … but that one’s tricky ‘cuz ya hafta get the pill-to-water ratio just righ … uhh, well, umm … whaa … ACK – nothing! Nevermind!! ::: 

021609-chimp-fire-zoom1Bitch must’ve  messed up the mix because, moments later, just as Charla Nash was getting out of her car, Travis channeled his inner abuser and brought a beatdown so severe it put her in the hospital with serious facial injuries after losing a ‘tremendous amount of blood.’
::: J. Fred Muggs would NOT approve!!! :::

Things got all stabby when Herold tried to pry her mate off Nash but, c’mon … how well do you think a Q-Tip’s gonna do against a marauding beast?
Ya — juuuust well enough to know when it’s time to haul ass back to the house and call for backup!

Police arrived and Trav got to chargin’ … then he smashed a car window and opened the door to a cruiser where an officer was hiding like a girl taking cover …
… and that’s when things got all shooty.

Travis met the business end that officer’s gun several times before he ran back to the house … and died. 

Oh the tragedy!
Oh the sadness!!

If only there’d been some WARNING that celebrichimp might go apeshit!!!

Wait. What’s that you say?
Oh, that’s riiiight!

Most folks remember dude’s rather public run-in with the law a couple of years ago when he escaped from an SUV and went running through the streets.
More than a dozen officers were dispatched that time.
::: I’m guessing there was a LOT more Xanax at at least two tranq guns involved that time. Am I right? Am I right?? .:::

So what did we learn today, kiddies?

No matter how many Old Navy spots he snags … no matter how much coin he banks your butt — he’s still a PRIMATE, complete with all those wildly unpredictable, might rip your nose off, deadly PRIMATE tendencies.

Highly-trained, unique, special and just a few Darwin’s shy of human does not a safe house pet make.

… now if you’ll excuse me, my Chilean Rose Tarantulas and Argentinian Puma need to be fed … 

SOURCE
SOURCE/PHOTOS

February 17, 2009 at 4:56 pm 3 comments

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