Oh what a tangled web!

February 19, 2009 at 8:11 pm 13 comments

I’m doomed.

But don’t feel bad for me  — you’re doomed too!
And so are all of your 3,487 best Internet friends because, apparently, making our presence known on social networking sites like Facebook , MySpace, Twitter, LinkedIn and Plaxo can make us all kinds of sick!
::: … and one very special kind of dead … :::

It’s true!
A real medical-type person said so!!
::: … better update your wills, ‘cuz it’s TTFE, bitches!!!! … :::

Research shows that, since 1987, the number of hours people [like us] spent speaking to others face-to-face has fallen dramatically as the use of electronic media increased.
::: Don’t blame the Mac! I’m just not that into you anymore … :::

internetsadThis hottest of critical topics got ink in the latest copy of the journal Biologist, where Dr. Aric Sigman warns that updating your status, managing your Tweets and friending every Tom, Dick and perv on the interwebs will give you the cancers and make your heart explode.

Oh, but it’s ok, snowflake! You’ll be so fucked-in-the-head batshit crazy you won’t notice!!
:::: Whew!! An UPSIDE!!! :::

Professor Pessimism’s got a boatload of empirically researchified datafication out there that shows — not only is the ‘cuddle chemical’ oxytocin negatively affected by ‘virtual’ contact — but people [like you] who spend too much time interacting socially [at home in your underwear] via computer are compromising your immune systems …
::: Big whoop … my drinking problem’s already taken care of that … :::
… and a compromised immune system could alter the way your genes work …
::: … enter my drug problem … :::
… and anyone who managed to stay awake in bio knows gummed-up genes can lead to all kinds of seriously icky bads.
::: … like my porn problem … :::

I mean, yeah, it sounds like something great for middle America to get superfreaked about and all, but me?
I think I hafta call bullshit on this bag o’ crap.

Anyone who ever met Wink – the psycho high-school blind-date who couldn’t understand my unwillingness to engage in sucky face-to-face time and felt his best course of action was to get out his Glock and make a go for it — knows it takes a helluva lot more than a computer connection to curdle the ol’ cuddle factor!

So, when the rest of you are done with dialysis and that latest round of chemo, bratzgirrrrrl2006 and I will be waiting in the chatroom.




Entry filed under: blogging, comedy, community, culture, education, entertainment, fun, funny, Gossip, health, humor, life, media, neighborhood, News, odd, science, unbelievable, Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

In His name? Standards for Poors?


  • 1. Chris  |  February 19, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    First peanut butter… and now THIS???? My life is turning to crap!

  • 2. lifeisacookie  |  February 19, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    I know!!!! (suck factor: HIGH)

  • 3. springdaddy  |  February 19, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    I’m callin Bull Shit on these whitecoats!! But I’ll have to elaborate later. Seems my communication needs are required in the other room…..And it’s real people!

  • 4. lifeisacookie  |  February 20, 2009 at 12:42 am

    real people … Real People? REAL PEOPLE?!? If you prick me, do I not …. hehe, I said prick … wait. What were we talking about?

  • 5. writechicpress  |  February 20, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Awesome coverage, Cookie. Teh googles internets haters totally funded this study.

  • 6. Ponchita  |  February 20, 2009 at 2:52 am

    I gotta call Bullshite on this one too or otherwise I’m already a living corpse!! lol

  • 7. lifeisacookie  |  February 20, 2009 at 11:07 am

    I see dead people …
    HAHAHAHA — I kid!
    (I hope …)

  • 8. Chris  |  February 20, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    OMG! I wonder if it was Ponchita that was riding in the back of my hearse… LOL

  • 9. lifeisacookie  |  February 20, 2009 at 5:24 pm


  • 10. Ponchita  |  February 20, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    PONCHITA?! Where? Who you callin’ a Ponchita woman 😉

  • 11. lifeisacookie  |  February 20, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    Were you hearse-surfin’ on Chris over there?!?
    Bad girl … (keep it up! 😉 )

  • 12. Chris  |  February 21, 2009 at 3:24 am

    LOL No.. dont !

  • 13. Cheating just got easier (to prove) « Life Is A Cookie  |  December 22, 2009 at 11:26 am

    […] history of all histories and you should totally freak your shit over it because — before it kills you 20 kinds of dead — it’ll fuck your spouse, eff your biz and just flat out ruin your […]

This is the shit you bitches are reading

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: