It’s cute when they get a clue …

January 22, 2009 at 6:57 pm 6 comments


After more than 100 years of devoted service and loyalty, the Heinz pickle is being pushed out.
::: HARSH! :::

heinzpickleOh sure, Heinz tried the old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine, but even before the pickle got a peek at the plump, juicy tomato taking her place the vibe was out that hers was a role she could no longer relish.

“With all due respect to the pickle, which has served Heinz dutifully for 110 years, it’s time to shift the focus on the tomato,” said Noel Geoffroy, director-Heinz ketchup.

OK, I know my vodka-tonic lunch  has a dulling effect, but lemme see if I’ve got this straight …
After more than A HUNDRED YEARS they now think it’s time for the tomato to be the focus on the label of their TOMATO ketchup?!?!?
Ooooook.

heinztomato“While most people have enjoyed the great taste of Heinz [tomato] Ketchup, many people don’t know that Heinz tomatoes go into each bottle of ketchup,” Ms. Geoffroy said.
::: … and when you say ‘people’ — just which aboriginal tribe of indiginous tree people would that be??? :::

“The new design featuring a vine-ripened tomato and a tagline of ‘Grown not made’ emphasizes our deep dedication to tomato quality from seed to bottle,” she said – reiterating what experts, analysts, think-tankers, marketers, salesmen, p.r. drones, office lackeys and copy machine repairment  have apparently all just recently discovered …

… are you ready?
No seriously — this is some mindblowing shit I’m about to lay on you and I’m just not sure you can handle it.
Maybe you should sit down …

… are you sitting down?
Ok …

According to some newly uncovered cutting-edge technological research, consumers identify vegetables with health.
::: WHO KNEW?!? :::

“Consumers are looking for a more natural experience,” Credit Suisse analyst Robert Moskow said.
::: SEE? PROOF!! :::

And Heinz is just the latest to jump aboard the Train of Obvious Obviosity.
::: TOOT TOOOOOOOT!!!!! :::

Two weeks ago, the fine folks who make Classic Lay’s decided the time had finally come to confess the closely guarded super secret password protected little known fact that their potato chips are actually made from *GASP* POTATOES!!!
::: GET OUT!!! :::

Well, once the guys at Tostitos heard that they were all ‘we can confidently reveal that our corn chip products are, indeed, made from corn’ – which got the peeps running Tropicana 12 kinds of disclosionary, talkin’ ’bout how their orange juice is actually made, like, 100% from real oranges … that grow on treesin orange grove-type places!!!

What’s next?
There are actual oats in my Quaker Oats? Real chocolate in my chocolate chip cookies?!?

WHERE OH WHERE WILL THIS MADNESS END?!?

** But if there are actual tots in my Tater Tots, keep that shit to yourselves …

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Does this reader poll make me look gay? Rank … and File 13

6 Comments

  • 1. Chris  |  January 22, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    *Gasp* Nooooooooo I hate healthy food. Don’t ruin my chips & ketchup by putting vegetables in them. What? Already in there? The hell ya say….

  • 2. lifeisacookie  |  January 23, 2009 at 12:01 am

    Do what I do — surround the healthy crap with CHEESE!!!!

  • 3. Chris  |  January 23, 2009 at 8:52 am

    LMAO – I soooo totally do that!! And that’s good for you, too. It’s milk. Hahaaa On that same note, chocolate cake is good for ya, too. Eggs, milk, wheat. Hell, if you make it a pineapple upside down cake, you’re hitting all 4 food groups. ….I think… LOL Not too sure about that one. It’s 3am and my brain shut off around 1:30.

  • 4. this buddy of mine  |  January 23, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    I don’t even want to know how they make mayonnaise…a gang of super horny midgets?

  • 5. lifeisacookie  |  January 23, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    hmmmmmm – you may be on to something there …

  • 6. Chris  |  January 23, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Nooooooo – Don’t ruin mayo! I didn’t bring up mayo cuz I didn’t want you messin’ with it. You can’t beat McD’s fries dipped in mayo & ketchup. Well….. now ya can…. horny midgets… damn you Buddy!


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