And the scary part? She’s serious!
This is the day you can thank your lucky stars that you aren’t yet locked in a psych ward survived long enough in the New Great Depression to be given the keys to the kingdom.
THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM!!!
Take a seat and prepare to be amazed!!
San Francisco’s Mariposa Leadership Inc., has just released their 2009 You’re Fucked Any Way You Slice It Guidebook Game Plan to Conquer Fears and Down Markets — and CEO Sue Bethanis says business leaders can “not only survive but thrive ” in this shit hole economy if they adopt her two-pronged, six-step, no-shit, big-duh, blah blah, slap-me-in-the-face-with-obviosity plan.
::: YAY! A PLAN! WE’RE SAVED!!! :::
Short-Term Game — Be More Productive
::: mmm hmm, got it – productivity good! :::
“1. Calm down and assess your fears. Fear can shut a leader down OR can incite them to greater productivity — it’s all in how leaders frame feelings and thoughts. The best thing for leaders to do right now is slow down and assess how fear, itself, is hindering productivity.”
::: I fear our company’s 12th layoff will leave us with zero workforce, thus having a negative impact on productivity … does that count??? :::
“2. Become an efficiency champion. In a recession leaders need to pare back and do more with fewer resources. Before engaging in ad hoc cuts, though, they need to take a look at the big picture: what initiatives best support the mission of the organization? What processes are driving team members apart, rather than bringing them together? What tasks are redundant or unnecessary?”
::: The company is hemorrhaging money but the rank and file got pissy when we laid off that last thousand. But seriously – how else were we going to finance the officers’ year-end bonus?!? Corporate Catch-22 bummer!! :::
“3. Over-communication is key. This is not the time for leaders to disappear into their offices and resort to command and control procedures. All this does is breed rumors and hamper productivity. Increased transparency works best: Leaders should talk directly to their employees to identify and solve problems.”
::: Hi everyone! It’s me, Wanda, with your ‘Every-hour-on-the-hour Job Status Update’. It’s not 100% set in stone yet so I can’t say for certain that you’ll be losing your jobs, but that’s largely due to the delay in stone delivery. Otherwise we are five by five … until the end of the day earnings report is released and then we’ll be in ‘reassess’ mode. Stay tuned for the 4 p.m. update to the updated 3 p.m. update when we’ll try to update you further! :::
Long-Term Game — Be Innovative
::: YAY Innovation – out boomtime friend is back!!!! :::
“While corporations are making headway in their productivity, it is important to simultaneously focus on the long-term game: Ramp up innovation to thrive when the recession subsides.”
::: Be creative people! Don’t spend any money to do it but goddammit – BE CREATIVE – it’s our only hope!!! :::
“1. Clarify the strategic roadmap. It IS possible to prepare for the future without knowing exactly what it will bring. Teams which create alternate scenarios, and plan for how to respond to each, will be better positioned. Teams need to be involved in strategic planning, so the leader is not the one and only savior.”
::: Ok, so we can’t be sure it’ll happen, but if we DO have to cut the biz/dev group we’re gonna put Bob in charge of making that announcement since his group will naturally have to assume 100% of those duties with 0% of the pay. Everyone on board? Ok … 1-2-3 TEAM! :::
“2. Double-down on innovation with a “Think Tank.” Despite what may be a leader’s best instinct, now is not the time to retract and focus only on existing products and services. In order to survive the pruning of the recession-and to thrive once the recovery begins-leaders need to challenge the status quo and set aside resources for research and development to find the next breakthrough.”
::: Let’s allocate resources we don’t have that we can’t pay for and lock them away to put on their thinking caps to save the company and prepare for a future we probably won’t be around to see. Ok! Now, which cost center does that come out of? :::
“3. Retain your best people through creative engagement. This means give them interesting, challenging assignments and coach them to reach new goals. It also means giving them a level of autonomy and responsibility that allows them to thoroughly buy into the success of the company. The stronger their loyalty, the less likely great employees are going to jump ship. The best talent is mobile, even in horrible economic environments.”
::: Shit! We laid them all off last September! NOW WHAT?!? :::
Entry filed under: blogging, community, culture, education, entertainment, fun, Gossip, humor, life, media, News, odd, unbelievable, Uncategorized. Tags: advice, comedy, crisis, dumbass, economy, employment, finance, job, layoffs, new Great Depression, News, obvious, people, personal, random, ridiculous, sarcasm, satire, silly, snark, stupid, thoughts.