That’s lardcore, yo!

January 12, 2009 at 4:21 pm 14 comments


CONGRATULATIONS fellow citizens!

The number of us bringing the megachunk now outweighs the number of us merely bringing the chub.
::: … reach for the stars, America. Reach for the stars!! ::: 

Three quarters of the McNation is haulin’ around an unparalleled amount of sauce-stained McMeatiness.
::: Go big or go home, bitches! :::

Numbers posted by the National Center for Health Statistics show that more than 34 percent of Americans are classified as grossly obesified fry chompers, compared to 32.7 percent in the heifernated lardbutt category … and let’s not forget the just under 6 percent of superachievers who aren’t about to let a little thing like quadruple bypass stand in the way of becoming the first-class bumper flippers the high school lunch ladies always knew they could be.
::: Because not everyone has what it takes to McBiggiesuperwhopperenormify every meal! :::

And while überblimpiosity is good for Alli, therapists, Lane Bryant and tallow peddlers – can you guess what it’s bad for?

If you’re thinking your heart, your health, your health insurance, your children, your pocketbook, your  relationships, your self-esteem, your tire pressure, the elastic life of your underwear or your instep … well, yeah – ok, I gotta give you those …

… but, apparently, America’s cottage-cheese is really bad for the ARMY!!!

soldierSee, we’re in the ten thousandth year of war in bringing democracy to Iraq and we are plumb running out of POGs and Cherries!!

The Army has been dismissing so many overweight applicants that its top recruiter, in an effort to keep human target troop numbers up, is considering starting a fat farm.
::: The Army is all OVER America’s hush hush super secret love affair with flab!! NOW we’re gonna get somewhere!! ::: 

Major General Thomas Bostick, head of the Army Recruiting Command, wants to see a formal diet and fitness regimen implemented at the Fort Jackson joint tasked with helping aspiring troops earn their GEDs.
::: Schlock and Yawn ::: 

Mr. Ijustgotaclue says obesity is going to be a bigger challenge in the years ahead than the other problems keeping wannabes out of uniform – and that includes psychosociopathic tendencies and bail-jumping lack of a high school diploma, misconduct and health issues other than their ginormous backsides.
::: NO. WAY! Really?!?::: 

He believes only the Army’s special brand of abuse training can help the fatties be all they can be. 

“It took them 18 years to get to where they are at, so it’s very difficult for them to lose the kind of weight that they need to on their own,” Mr. Ilikestatingtheobvious said.

And if the fun of forced 18-mile runs, barbell beatdowns and Code Red *surprises* doesn’t take the weight off – there’s always the Guantanamo Diet!

Eat your heart out Jenny Craig, they’re in the Army now!

I don’t know but I’ve been told,
Not to play with my fat fold!
I don’t know but it’s been said,
My fatass could make me dead!
Sound off!
1-2!
Sound off!
3-4! 

 

 

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Felonious free-for-all? Umm … if you don’t hear from me for a while …

14 Comments

  • 1. this buddy of mine  |  January 12, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    Should work. My brother dropped 15 pounds in 12 weeks at Ft. Benning recently. The ultimate problem is lack of discipline in managing ones health…and discipline is what the army is pretty good at.

  • 2. writechicpress  |  January 12, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Now THAT’S how to cover a boring statistics story! Go girl!

  • 3. lifeisacookie  |  January 12, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    Oh, I have no doubt they’re good at it, Buddy — I just think it’s amusing that they’re just now sort of coming out publicly to say ‘this is a problem’ — but better late than fatter, eh?

  • 4. lifeisacookie  |  January 12, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Thanks Writechic! I almost didn’t finish it because the sprinkles from my doughnut kept falling between the keys … but I licked ’em out so it’s all good! 😉

  • 5. writechicpress  |  January 12, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    Mmmmm. Sprinkles.

  • 6. Christina  |  January 12, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    LOL @ The thought of Cookie lickin her keyboard and finding a NON-sprinkle. “WTH did I just eat?!?”

    And seriously, I’ve lost all faith in the military since I heard about their time out cards a few years ago. Think of Pvt. Pyle and Sgt. Hartman… “Get on your knees scumbag… Now choke yourself… Goddamn it, with MY hand, numb-nuts!…Don’t pull my effin hand over there! I said choke yourself; now lean forward and choke yourself! ” “Uhm, sir… I feel as though you’re being a little too hard on me. I’d like to give you a time out card.”

    This is the Army (Marines in Pyle’s case) not the freakin Boy Scouts!!

  • 7. lifeisacookie  |  January 12, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    Wait — how did I NOT know about the time-out cards?!?

  • 8. Christina  |  January 12, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    Were you not previously married to a gung-ho Army veteran who thought that even Hartman was a sissy?

  • 9. girlofwords  |  January 12, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    I just laughed until it hurt, and I needed that with my week. 🙂

  • 10. lifeisacookie  |  January 12, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    Christina — how did you know … that bastard ruined me for everyone else!

    And GIRL — how I’ve missed you! How’s the show????

  • 11. Christina  |  January 13, 2009 at 4:58 am

    I uhm……. what show? LOL

  • 12. Type Writer  |  January 13, 2009 at 5:23 am

    Cookie was referring to GOW’s show, Christina… Hey, GoDub, is the Happy Hour back on the air in the New Year? Only Cookie kept working during the holidays; all the rest of said “uncle” 🙂

    TW

  • 13. Christina  |  January 13, 2009 at 5:25 am

    Ah-ha .. I see. Thank you 🙂 I was all sorts of confused. LOL

  • 14. lifeisacookie  |  January 13, 2009 at 10:57 am

    I’m sorry — my bad …



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