That’s lardcore, yo!
CONGRATULATIONS fellow citizens!
The number of us bringing the megachunk now outweighs the number of us merely bringing the chub.
::: … reach for the stars, America. Reach for the stars!! :::
Three quarters of the McNation is haulin’ around an unparalleled amount of sauce-stained McMeatiness.
::: Go big or go home, bitches! :::
Numbers posted by the National Center for Health Statistics show that more than 34 percent of Americans are classified as grossly obesified fry chompers, compared to 32.7 percent in the heifernated lardbutt category … and let’s not forget the just under 6 percent of superachievers who aren’t about to let a little thing like quadruple bypass stand in the way of becoming the first-class bumper flippers the high school lunch ladies always knew they could be.
::: Because not everyone has what it takes to McBiggiesuperwhopperenormify every meal! :::
And while überblimpiosity is good for Alli, therapists, Lane Bryant and tallow peddlers – can you guess what it’s bad for?
If you’re thinking your heart, your health, your health insurance, your children, your pocketbook, your relationships, your self-esteem, your tire pressure, the elastic life of your underwear or your instep … well, yeah – ok, I gotta give you those …
… but, apparently, America’s cottage-cheese is really bad for the ARMY!!!
See, we’re in the ten thousandth year of war in bringing democracy to Iraq and we are plumb running out of POGs and Cherries!!
The Army has been dismissing so many overweight applicants that its top recruiter, in an effort to keep human target troop numbers up, is considering starting a fat farm.
::: The Army is all OVER America’s hush hush super secret love affair with flab!! NOW we’re gonna get somewhere!! :::
Major General Thomas Bostick, head of the Army Recruiting Command, wants to see a formal diet and fitness regimen implemented at the Fort Jackson joint tasked with helping aspiring troops earn their GEDs.
::: Schlock and Yawn :::
Mr. Ijustgotaclue says obesity is going to be a bigger challenge in the years ahead than the other problems keeping wannabes out of uniform – and that includes psychosociopathic tendencies and bail-jumping lack of a high school diploma, misconduct and health issues other than their ginormous backsides.
::: NO. WAY! Really?!?:::
He believes only the Army’s special brand of abuse training can help the fatties be all they can be.
“It took them 18 years to get to where they are at, so it’s very difficult for them to lose the kind of weight that they need to on their own,” Mr. Ilikestatingtheobvious said.
And if the fun of forced 18-mile runs, barbell beatdowns and Code Red *surprises* doesn’t take the weight off – there’s always the Guantanamo Diet!
Eat your heart out Jenny Craig, they’re in the Army now!
I don’t know but I’ve been told,
Not to play with my fat fold!
I don’t know but it’s been said,
My fatass could make me dead!
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