Archive for November, 2008

This is your brain on Beyoncé

Submitted without comment … 
::: tawk ahhmungst yas-elves … ::: 

November 22, 2008 at 12:18 am 3 comments

The Name Game

There are people in this world who shouldn’t even be allowed to breed — let alone name their offspring.

Case Study:
<— Asshat Simpson and her freakish emo baby daddy, Pete Wentzhispants

These two goddamned twits named their sad, unfortunate spawn …  Bronx.

And it gets worse.

The brat’s full brand is Bronx Mowgli Wentz


NO WAY  you can say it without sounding like Elmer Fudd!

Aside from having waaaayyyyyy too many of ALL of the weird vowels and consonants – they named their kid after the poorest Congressional district in the entire fucking country … and a fictional character who’s name may or may not mean ‘frog’.

Jesusmaryandjoseph! Just nickname the little bastard ‘target of unbridled youth aggression’ already because that’s exactly what he’s gonna be.


November 21, 2008 at 4:03 pm 6 comments

It’s time

Sooooooo I look at the calendar and it’s totally November 21, which means it’s my busy-bee worky (and football) time and I have only a few scant days to prepare for next week’s sainted and treasured annual homage to gluttony (and football) and well, I just really do not have this big mountain of available time for anything else!

Sooooooo even though I know there are, like, 9 days left and all – whatever – I am officially declaring the end of the 2008 Hurricane Season, like, NOW!

I mean, ok, so it wasn’t the season of colossal devastation everyone predicted and I’m all YAY and stuff about that, but let’s be honest — it did have its moments!
That time I was sitting on the back porch when a Hurricane Hanna feeder band passed by Florida on the way to South Cackalackee and a big ol’ wind gust nearly toppled my wine glass.
::: that was a close one!! ::: 

But enough is enough. It’s time to move on.

I mean, seriously, who has the time?!?

Family Functions!
Social get-togethers!?!

ACK! Too much!!

Sooooooo … I am sorry –but I have wayyyyyy too much on my plate to fit in worrying about some not-gonna-happen-late-season-storminess.
Nuh uh.
It’s done.

I decree it. It is so.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled day …

November 21, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Well shit …

 … I didn’t know yesterday was a holiday!

It was World Toilet Day and I did nothing to mark the occasion …
Oh wait … yes I did.

November 20, 2008 at 9:24 pm 2 comments

Yup, that’s one way to do it!

So there’s this song out there called ‘Bust Your Windows’ by a hot piece named Jazmine Sullivan and it’s all about a former boyfriend and the playful way she clued him in that she wasn’t exactly down with his cheatin’ horndoggery (mmmmyeah, ok, so the title does kind of give it away).

“I bust the windows out your car
After I saw you laying next to her
I didn’t wanna but I took my turn
I’m glad I did it ’cause you had to learn”

Lack of preposition notwithstanding, the song is kind of catchy in an angry-girl-anthem kind of way, which means I am all about it  — but it’s missing the finality one expects from a brutal breakup song.
::: I cut yer dick of with mah ax … see? now that’s catchy!! :::

But Jazzy’s from Philly and I guess that’s just how they do it up there and all what with bustin’ out windows and scrawling initials on the hood with a crowbar and suchlike and that’s all cool and everything … I  just wasn’t raised that way.

I was brought up where this kind of business gets handled … differently.

Just ask Cropwell’s own Josh Sempley.
::: BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Suckit Dickweed! That gag order is all KINDS of over!!! :::

For a while there it was all sexy sleepovers and hot steaminess between Josh and me …

until the skank he was bangin’ behind my back thought she’d try and school me on his scammin’ ways many Christmas moons ago.

holidayroachBeing the holiday season and all, I decided the proper thing to do would be to give them both big, BIG presents!!
::: I’m a giver like that. It’s just how I roll :::

First I trotted on down to Livvy’s Bait & Tackle just off Highway 280.
Livvy’s was this fun little place my dad would take me when I was little to get top-of-the-line spinners, streamers and shad wraps.
Folks forced to buy their bait on a budget could also get minnows, maggots and, my personal favorite, roaches!

A small ten dollar investment got me a half-pound of the creepy-crawlies — which turned out to be quite a powerful deterrent to late-night prank skank calls after she discovered the little demons inside the car she ** oopsie ** forgot to lock.
::: ho’, Ho’, HO’!! :::

“Oooh Yeah I did it
You should know it
I ain’t sorry
You deserved it”

Josh’s gift was more personal.

roadsterD-bag’s pride and joy — his raison d’être, if you will — was a tasty and totally cherry 1927 T-Bucket Roadster he built by hand from a kit.
That sweet thing was full of sweat-equity and powered by love so, of course, I gave it the royal treatment!
A Super-Ultimate-PRIMO bath using only the finest Brillo® and acetone mixture my never-be-hustled-again heart could manage.

You broke my heart
So I broke ya car
You caused me pain
So I did the same”

And did you know dishwashing soap isn’t supposed to be poured into the gas tank?!?
::: hehe – MY BAD!! … Live and learn, right?!? :::

Ooohhhhhh … good times, Good TIMES!

So, just so you know Jazzy baby — if your record label is lookin’ for a funky follow-up? Call me!

— and what about YOU?

ooooo tell … TELL!!

November 20, 2008 at 4:50 pm 2 comments

Jessica Simpson is pregnant … in the lips

26459PCN_JessicaWhat in lard-lipped puckery pigfat hell happened to Jessica Simpson’s face?!?

Looks like someone got a little too cozy with the collagen … either that or she tried to suck off an entire hive of bees, which I would have paid good money to see and all … but, then again, I’d also pay good money to see drunk babies rollerskate … so, you know, you can’t go by me.


November 19, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Sarah Palin is Vice-President of loungechairs!

large-msg-122671383782large-msg-122669372725Disappointed she couldn’t see Cuba from her Miami hotel balcony, the Alaskan Hotness took time out from her hectic schedule of birthin’ babies, buying couture, being all mavericky and showing up basically everyone else who attended last week’s Republican Governor’s Association meeting to get her tan on … oh, and plot the Palin World Domination 2012 tour.

Don’t be fooled by the lack of hair product! Her Supreme Snowyness is totally clocked-in, solutionizing all the complicatedly complex problematic stuff facing the fine folks of the great energy producing state of Alaska.
::: big red dog, Big Red Dog — keep an eye on that BIG RED DOG!!! :::

I bet there’s all kinds of hush-hush, top-secrety type stuff in what appears to be a $1,500 Balenciaga ‘Weekender’ handbag oh so casually thrown to the end of the chaise.

spchampMmm hmmmm … yuppers. Totally  worki .. uh … wha … is that … champagne??

… ACK! … feel dizzy … mouth dry … light heade … uhh what’s happeni …

Oooooooooo I think I need a gravity check. I am suddenly feeling all … tingly for this woman!

I mean, except for the whole no-coherent-thought-wannabe-world-leader-darn-tootin’-hockey-mom-pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain-I-may-look-purty-but-am-really-really-REALLY-stupid thingamabobanstuff – we are soooo much alike!

She understands the benefits of ditching work to lay out.
::: sooooo important! :::
She sees value in ridiculously overpriced accessories billed to Mr. Notmybankaccount.
::: CRUCIAL! :::
And she has a firm grasp on what is the absolute quickest way to my pinko commie liberal bleeding heart … BOOZE!!!
::: we are one :::

*sniff — I totally  her right now!


November 18, 2008 at 5:02 pm 1 comment

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