Post … toasted?

September 23, 2008 at 9:28 pm 5 comments

I don’t even know why anyone bothers reading the local rag anymore.

While converting oxygen to carbon dioxide this afternoon, I decided to check out the local newspaper’s online product and hooboy howdy let me tell you — what a colossal fucking waste of time THAT was!

Aside from being visually accosted by a ginormous Kim KardASSian jpeg occupying what would (on any other website) be the ‘lede’ slot, as well as being force-fed some hellish looking booking mugs (all begging ‘click me – click meeeee because we think meaningless clickage we don’t know how to monetize is TOTALLY where it’s at!!!’) I noticed one of the many all-important ‘we’re-on-top-of-things-bringing-you-the-latest-must-know-info!!!!’ “NEW” gifs on the homepage.

Hooray! New information!!

  • Did the FED make a rate cut?
  • Did my local city council pass a new resolution?
  • Are they working on fixing the voting glitches identifed countywide?
    WHO CARES! There’s bigger news out there:
    Martin County woman reports puppy stolen

  • … and with that I had to (once again) lift up
    The Palm Beach Post in prayer.

    Not only has the pub proven it doesn’t care about little things like being comprehensive, topical, easy to use or – god forbid — LOCAL …
    ::: Ask a Local … anyone? :::
    Not only has it shown it can’t compete locally …
    ::: Post Geography Lesson: Boca Raton is NOT in Palm Beach County :::
    The daily, lameass slapped together output underscores,
    highlights and puts in bold that it’s a product that doesn’t even know where to begin to try and compete.
    ::: and we had such high hopes … well, ok, we actually didn’t … :::

    One thing is clear – the powers that be have gone balls to the fucking wall in favor of the old ‘Pasta Method’ — just throwing any old horseshit online to see what might stick.

    The result?
    The site is Teflon.
    ::: good for cookware, bad for market share :::

    Was the same true of other rags?
    I shamefully admit I was curious! So I used the nifty tools at to do a quick and down-n-dirty looky-loo.

    Comparing monthly visits at, and over the last year it’s grim-reapery apparent that the end is probably, more than likely, gonna have to be soon.

    See how Dayton’s at least snagging monthlies in the million range? Small by web standards, but respectable enough, I suppose, considering how extremely late in the game newspapers decided to join this wacky  Internet fad …

    But then you look at the sad little Post and Sentinel numbers — not even half a mil — not even a quarter of a mil! Yet even in the ‘Itty Bitty No-Hitty Committee’ category — the Sentinel smokes the Post month after month.
    ::: well, if nothing else – they’re consistent! :::

    Then I compared monthly unique visitors – *heavy sigh*

    See that blue flatline at the bottom? That’s the Post … kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

    Now, do you suppose that perhaps, just maybe in the teensiest of little ol’ ways that this ‘news’paper site’s inability to attract ‘news’ viewers could be because there’s barely any NEWS going on there?
    ::: and I’m not talking about the same stale shit you can get any everywhere else … :::

    Do advertisers want to be aligned with booking mugs? Well, maybe bail bondsmen — too bad none bought space …
    Does a retarded  ‘Dancing with the Stars’ recap in the lede news slot (as opposed to a more appropriately placed teaser) make web users want to go out and spend money locally? Dunno — I was expecting a tie-in ad, perhaps a dance studio slam spot. Instead I got nadda.

    Which is just what I’ve come to expect from my hometown disaster – nadda.
    And, looking at the numbers, I’m not alone.

    Note to the Post:
    Let us know when you figure out what you wanna be when you grow up – a newspaper or a gossip sheet.
    ::: I hope it’s a newspaper because PBC could actually use some meaningful local copy … oh, and we already have Dlisted, Mollygood, Jossip, Defamer, The Superficial and so many others for our daily dish – ‘kay snookums? :::

    You can lead a horse to water, but unless you can sell that bitch something while she’s there your CPM and ROI are gonna be MIA …
    … the Post must think that’s not really a BFD …

    Entry filed under: blogging, entertainment, fun, funny, Gossip, life, News, odd, unbelievable, Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

    Every dog (owner) has her day They’re just trying to sell magazines


    • 1. Type Writer  |  September 25, 2008 at 9:10 pm

      I love your latest rant, sister… I’ve subscribed to the Post for over a dozen years, and I am not happy with the latest changes. I can’t believe how many good people they paid to walk out the door (How do they do a local section without Emily Post? Or Business without that Stephen Pounds guy? 🙂 And are they a real paper without ombudsman C.B. Hanif and editorial cartoonist Don Wright?)

      But I’m also astounded at what they’ve done to the various sections. Business playing second banana to the Local news on 5 of the 6 days it now appears. Food lumped in with Accent. But the biggest offense has to be the gutting of the Op-Ed section. Doesn’t every real paper have a Sunday Opinion section? Why did we revert to Small-Town Hick-Sheet status? And way to cheap out on the daily Op-Ed section, cutting down the number of columnists from 6 to 3 in favour of more letters to the editor (i.e. under-researched content generated by semi-literate readers for free) and ad space.

      Nice job, Post. You’ve made the Palm Beaches proud. The only sadder thing might be that the Daytona paper’s site is kicking both papers’ asses. Having lived in Central Florida, I can assure you there are no good papers east of St. Pete (and the Tampa Cookie will back me up on that one)


    • 2. lifeisacookie  |  September 25, 2008 at 11:44 pm

      YOU are too funny … but frighteningly correct (as usual) …

    • 3. William M. Hartnett  |  November 21, 2008 at 7:51 pm

      Try instead of at to get their “real” figures. Real as in still only 1/3 of the actual measured numbers, anyway. Wink, and you’re welcome.

    • 4. lifeisacookie  |  November 21, 2008 at 9:19 pm

      Awwww — look at YOU! How sweet of you to care so much to get your comment on!
      For what it’s worth – the redirect is actually part of the rollup, but I take your point and, although nothing (and I do mean nothing) compares to Omniture’s Site Catalyst — Compete’s a fun little tool … even though I don’t think anyone needs deep level analytics to know the Post is barely holding on, which is a pity and deserving of a sorry face and all … but still true.

    • 5. Strategy FAIL « Life Is A Cookie  |  June 10, 2009 at 5:29 pm

      […] to repeat myself … but ok, yeah, sort of: Let us know when you figure out what you wanna be when you grow up – a newspaper or a humor […]

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