Can’t anyone retire and mean it anymore?

September 9, 2008 at 4:39 pm 12 comments

Reports are leaking out that Lance Armstrong will be coming out of retirement to compete in some nearly dead road races (Tour de Georgia?!?) and then, potentially, pedal his way to an unheard of eighth Tour de France victory.

Oh god no. Please no. Seriously – no.

Lance and his team of managers, handlers, press agents and drug-test-takers probably all sat back and watched with jealous googly eyes as Fishsticks Phelps raked in fat endorsement cash after snagging eight golds at the Beijing Olympics.

I bet those bitches conference called each other after every medal ceremony to whine about how cycling seems so old and busted next to swimming’s new hotness and how only cancer boy can rescue the sport for the benefit of all of humanity (or some stupid shit like that).

But before they get their Nike pitch on, Lance & Co. should take note.

No one (NO ONE) has been standing in line to see Mark Spitz and his wrinkles plop into the pool for a long, long time. Cycling fans aren’t any different. They’re ready for the next big thing. They don’t care who it is as long as it’s the next big thing — not the last big thing.

But I bet ol’ fancy pants Lance doesn’t see things quite that way. He probably sleeps in a different yellow jersey each night, wakes up each morning and spit shines his trophies while drinking coffee from a mug that reads ‘Cycle God’ and journaling the various rates at which his lungs make the O2 to CO2 conversion before speed dialing his publicist every hour on the hour to get the lastest list of celebrities he’s more famous than in each of the world’s major time zones.

His ego is probably just that sad. And it’s too bad because we actually like guys like that — until it’s time to go. But guys like that never know when it’s time to go. They always stay too long at the party and end up looking like the bad blind date you just couldn’t get rid of at the end of the day.

Lance – it’s time to go. Has been since that day in 2005 when you said you were going.
You retired and we foolishly trusted you to mean it.

We want you to mean it. We need you to mean it.
Please — go away already!

Like Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson, Ashley Olsen, Tory Burch, your ex-wife, Team Astana, viable sperm counts and good looks — we are sooo over you.
::: If only you could get over yourself … :::

Please – take your testicle and go gently into that good retirement night … for all our sakes!

Entry filed under: blogging, entertainment, fun, funny, Gossip, life, News, odd, unbelievable, Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Thank you, Fantasy Football The pigs are flying!


  • 1. Jack Hammer  |  September 9, 2008 at 4:54 pm

    Obviously the author knows nothing about Lance or cycling.


  • 2. Noni  |  September 9, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    meaning — what, exactly, Jackie boy?

  • 3. Dave  |  September 9, 2008 at 5:23 pm

    This is one of the worst written stories I have ever read. If you dont follow cycling and have nothing good to say about the sport please dont write on it.

    Avid cyclist,

  • 4. beyatch  |  September 9, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    Wow — these two-wheelers are a thin-skinned bunch!

    I read this as more about Armstrong’s ego and need for attention (like the multitude of other professional athletes who don’t know how to exit gracefully) as opposed to cycling.

    But I llke contact sports. Cycling’s lame.

  • 5. Bunch of Bitches Robby "Mitter" Martin  |  September 9, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    Lance needs to nail down the big 8 and show those Euro trash knuckle heads what cycling is all about. Talk about putting American right up the flag pole Hail “PALIN”!!!

  • 6. beyatch  |  September 9, 2008 at 6:15 pm

    What does cycling have to do with Sarah Palin? Does she ride up on her bike to shoot the caribou?

  • 7. Type Writer  |  September 9, 2008 at 6:49 pm

    Sarah probably shoots the caribou from a helicopter likes she wants to allow for wolves…


  • 8. beyatch  |  September 9, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    but where oh where does the bike come in then, TW? I’m so confused — what does she have to do with Lance Egostrong?

  • 9. PP  |  September 9, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    Huge cycling fan here, have been for 40 years. Totally agree with you.

  • 10. prolepticlife  |  September 9, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    Actually, many cycling fans wouldn’t be bothered by Lance making a comeback try. There are good reasons for him to do so. The constant accusations that he won by cheating might be what is driving him now.

    I don’t think Team Astana is over him – since as far as I recall he never was on Team Astana – they are probably giddy over the idea of him joining the team. What a huge payday for them that will be if it happens.l

    Nevertheless, I’m not offended by your sarcastic slant nor your opinion.

  • 11. lifeisacookie  |  September 9, 2008 at 11:34 pm

    Nice diverse set of opinions! We aim for nothing here at lifeisacookie (we have zero goals) as most of you know – but YAY for diversity!

    Prolepticlife — nice blog dude … gonna start readin’ (I learned how over the weekend 😉 )

  • 12. Bunch of Bitches Robby "Mitter" Martin  |  September 10, 2008 at 6:16 pm

    Listen you need to read between the lines and vote for McCain and Palin they will help support self defense classes for the peace loving animals to protect each other. Mad cow is what the hell I am talking about and you all have it. I just about got my nuts blowed off in NAM and think back to how cycling has been supported by Republicans. It is time to kick some socialist and commi but man.

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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