May 12, 2008 at 2:05 pm 9 comments

Are You a Teleflora Non Mom?Ahh Mother’s Day … a time to tell that special someone just how much she has meant to your life.
Are YOU that special someone? Did YOU get mad props from your shorties and/or their père for all your hard work and sacrifice on their behalf?
Oh, I sure hope you did — I’m sure YOU deserved it.

But not you Non-Moms out there.
Y’all don’t count.

See, until this past weekend, I (like everyone else) was going around, doing my day to day all the while erroneously tagging undeserving women with the ‘mom’ label.
Silly me!
I was adhereing to the socially-accepted dictionary definition that a mother is:
1.) A female parent
2.) One’s female parent
3.) A mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother
4.) A term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent

But now I know that’s wrong — and I have the non-traditional family haters at Teleflora to thank for setting me straight!
Thank you Teleflora!

See, the flower clowns put on this Mother’s Day contest called ‘America’s Favorite Mom’ where people could go online and vote for their favorite bombofamom. Then Donnie and Marie Osmond would crown a Queen Mommybee in each of five handy categories — right there on national television (via NBC)!

The mom-egories Teleflora’s crack marketing team decided were most appropriate were:
1.) Single Mom (big ups to her)
2.) CEO Mom (that bitch does EVERYTHING!)
3.) Military Mom (Saaaa-LUTE!)
4.) Working Mom (because being in the Military isn’t work …)
5.) Non-Mom

Non-Mom?!? Whassat?

I’m so glad you asked!!!
According to Teleflora, a Non-Mom is:
1.) A grandmama raisin’ any of her baby’s babies
2.) A stepmom
3.) An adoptive mom

In other words, if YOU haven’t brought forth human life from your hoo-ha, then YOU are a Teleflora Non-Mom. And that makes YOU and your non-kids one big non-family! YAY!

How did it come to pass, I wonder …

Business man thinking“Well, they are out there, Charles. I’ve seen them! There’s one in my building– her husband’s kids.”
“Oh yes, Rick I know what you mean. I think I saw one at the park the other day. Old woman with two in a stroller. Grandkids or something …”
“I know exactly what you guys are talking about! Jeff and I were just talking about those women who adopt other people’s children? You know, they want to be a mom but they’re defective, obviously, and can’t so they have to go and buy a kid somewhere, right? Those women? What do we CALL those women?”
“Well Dan, I think that — for the purposes of this marketing campaign — we should call them Non-Moms. Yes! that sounds right. NON-MOMS!”

:::  Well, that’s how I imagine the brainstorming session in the Teleflora marketing office had to have gone when organizing the categories. If there was a bra in the room when that name was approved, she should turn in her woman card right now. :::

So there it was. Promotional items created. Web page launched. The contest was a go …
… until some Non-Moms saw it and became just this side of outraged by Teleflora’s tremendous twittitude.

Seems some nons made some calls and got all UP in some Teleflora shit and then Prest-O Change-O — the website gets an update, which included a pretty miserable mea culpa (the most lameass attempt I’ve ever seen to make up for insulting, debasing and demoralizing an entire class of the child-rearing world).

Too late!!
The letter-writing and phone-call campaigns are ON!!
Hate mail for everyone!! Woo hoo!!

Want to play along at home? (of course you do …)
Heeeeerrrrre’s your info:
America’s Favorite Mom
1.800.225.7435 /

Email for Donny and Marie Osmond /

1.800.835.3356 / 310.231.9199 (main corporate headquarters)

Entry filed under: blogging, entertainment, fun, funny, Gossip, life, News, unbelievable, Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Happy Mother’s Day! Want an abortion? Purple Hearts for EVERYONE!


  • 1. Type Writer  |  May 12, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    None of this would have happened if the retail sector weren’t so eager to turn every occasion into a mini-Christmas. I heard and saw more ads for Mother’s Day this year than I ever have, and it felt like they were saying “X number of shopping days till Mother’s Day”. If anything, they’re not excluding people, they’re including too many (“Don’t have a mother? Buy something for someone anyway… Hell, buy it for yourself, we don’t care; as long as you start giving us your money again…”)

  • 2. lifeisacookie  |  May 12, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    But I think you’ll find very strong arguments from those lumped in to the Non-Mom category that they are, indeed, moms. You don’t have to be a breeder to be a parent …

  • 3. Type Writer  |  May 12, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    >But I think you’ll find very strong arguments from those lumped in >to the Non-Mom category that they are, indeed, moms. You don’t >have to be a breeder to be a parent …

    That is true, and I have an ex-sister-in-law who would fit Category #3. If you’re a female raising a kid, you’re a mother, and there shouldn’t have been any confusion on Tele-flora about that 🙂 What I have a problem with is the extension of Mother’s Day to any woman who ever did anything nice to you, as part of a bigger campaign to make Mother’s Day as commercial as Christmas. Some of the ads I heard in the last few weeks were ridiculous…

  • 4. lifeisacookie  |  May 12, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    yeah — I call it a manufactured maternal lovefest … and don’t think the fact that Father’s Day does NOT get the same treatment is lost on me …

  • 5. Type Writer  |  May 13, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    The only people who seem to care about Father’s Day are Home Depot, Weber Grills and Edwin Watts golf pro shops 🙂 But more importantly, the marketing for Father’s Day won’t have the guilt component they use to sell Mother’s Day

  • 6. jenn11970  |  May 13, 2008 at 9:36 pm

    Your post was wonderful!!!

    I guess I better get busy on deciding whether Lowes, Menards, or Home Depot will get my money in June!! LOL!!!

  • 7. Type Writer  |  May 14, 2008 at 4:53 am

    Your post was wonderful!!!

    Awww… as Morgan Freeman would say, “Thank you kindly” 🙂

    I guess I better get busy on deciding whether Lowes, Menards, or Home Depot will get my money in June!! LOL!!!

    Nothing says “I love you, Dad” better than getting him some tools to do more around the house 🙂 My dear deceased dad (whose 83rd birthday would have been yesterday) only did two types of home-improvement activities: (i) a little weeding around the yard (ii) writing checks to the repairmen. But this was in Jamaica, where the cost of labour is pretty low, so it’s not as extravagant as it sounds. We’d buy him tools sometimes, though, for whenever the handymen showed up, since this was Jamaica, where the cost of the tools were high 🙂

  • 8. SLUT! « Life Is A Cookie  |  June 13, 2008 at 12:14 am

    […] else makes it such a big deal? The dads carry the eggs in this family. ::: Quick guess says Teleflora puts them in the non-mom category […]

  • 9. stephen  |  June 20, 2009 at 3:33 am

    thank you for shared

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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