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May 14, 2009 at 6:26 pm 6 comments


It’s an all-out PAPER TOWEL WAR!!

ptowelsSeems the folks at Bounty paper towels are 20 kinds of pissed over Brawny’s new look because they believe it’s an intellectual dupe of their ‘bowtie-like embossed’ pattern design.
::: they must not know that whole ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’ bit :::

They’re so bent out of shape that Cincinnati-based Proctor & Gamble Co. —  Bounty’s owner — filed a federal lawsuit to stop the alleged copy-cattery allegedly being perpetrated by Atlanta-based Georgia-Pacific LLC — Brawny’s owner.
::: ludicrously litigatory :::

“We will rigorously defend our intellectual property rights, which in this case involves infringements to our Bounty trademark and trade dress,” some P&G spokesbitch blah blah’d in an email to reporters.

“We believe the claims are entirely meritless, and we plan to defend the lawsuit vigorously,” Georgia-Pacific blah blah’d back.

All relevant blah blah aside?
brawnyThe real crime here isn’t the pattern.

It’s the lumberjack!

My untidies can only be  treated by the thirstiest of towels – and that ain’t the jack, ‘kay?

Which is why I quit that bitch years ago for the  cottony comfort of Viva.

I mean, helllooo?!?

Look at his veneers! His high cheekbones!! His perfect hair and plush lips!!!

He’s either the missing Village Person or I’m the Queen of England!

Frealz, yo!
This guy is all jazz-hands and showmanship.
Corporate even gave that slut a makeover complete with a smokin’ hot new set of guns and a tighter ’70s shag ‘n stache. But all that glam + 1,000 plaid shirts and manly poses can’t hide it.

He’s just not strong enough to be my man.

I’m sorry, but it is what it is. And don’t front like you don’t know what I’m saying.
You see it.
You know you do.

If that cutter isn’t keeping a pair of assless chaps hanging next to a whip and a feather boa on the back of his bathroom door then I need to go wrangle the corgis for their afternoon walk!

Ya — the bother with your branding ain’t the ‘pattern’ boys … but good luck with that lawsuit and all.

[Ed Note: My chaps are on a hanger and my whip is under the bed ... I'm hella fun -- but I'm nobody's mascot either.]

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It’s hard out there for a ho! You go girl!

6 Comments

  • 1. Ponchita  |  May 14, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    LMAO @ the missing Village Person. That or he’s the fifth on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”

    Rock on with the Viva – I love those papertowels.

    And no need to hide the whip under the bed. I just tie my around my pole in the bedroom! hehe

  • 2. writechicpress  |  May 14, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Ha! Everyone was thinkin’ it, and Cookie wrote it! Props, girl.

    And the brawny model on the right looks like CNN’s Rick Sanchez! Check it…

  • 3. Ponchita  |  May 14, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    I don’t know who Rick Sanchez is, but gonna turn on CNN soon or Google him. The one on the left reminds be of Tom Selleck on a bad, trippy Magnum, P.I. episode.

  • 4. lifeisacookie  |  May 14, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    I WANT A POLE!!!!
    No shit — I seriously want one …

    But on the Rick Sanchez note — I remember when he was working in Miami and covering a hurricane that was, like, a Cat 1 (nuthin’) and he had to report on ‘the devastation’ (what they always call it no matter what) and his camera guy shows a clean, clear pool with, like, TWO leaves in it and Sanchez shouts “THERE ARE LEEEEEAVES IIIINNNNN THE POOOOLLLLL!!!”

    I can’t look at him without thinking of that! ;)

  • 5. Ponchita  |  May 15, 2009 at 5:45 am

    The resemblance is uncanny! Thanks for posting the link writechic.

    I say get a pole and find your inner Demi Moore in Striptease (by the way, she rocked in that movie) and dance on girlfriend. I wish I had one, but would have lots of splainin’ to do to the little people that cohabitat with us.
    Funny story about the Rick guy and the hurricane. Weathermen make me laugh…my GAWD! When it rains here a little hard, they preempt television with “Deadly Downpour” and ither nonsensical shit. However, they were not shitting about Ike, or maybe it’s just me. Lived in Texas all my life along the coast and never been through one. After that SOB kept me up all night, I’ll never do it again.
    (is now waiting for SpringDaddy to chime in and make fun of me when he returns).

  • 6. Type Writer  |  May 18, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    Cookie’s being nice to Rick Sanchez: he was the joke of the airwaves when he was on down here. But, appropriately enough, his station (Channel 7, the Miami Fox affiliate) was also the joke of the airwaves (Deco Drive, anyone?) Writechic, you haven’t lived till you’ve worked in television in Miami…

    TW


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